To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

to leave, sure but to cheat, no.

I think don’t cheat but perhaps leave

Of course cheating is understandable. Th cheater is an asshole and wanted a bit on the side. People understand that. If you want to throw more "understandable" reasons on top go for it, "my spouse is ugly now", but no more are needed. It doesn't change a thing - it's a shitty thing to do, if you're unhappy then stop being a coward and leave.

Despite your protests, you are trying to justify it. Everything about your posts is pushing for justifying it, except the small parts when you outright say "I'm not trying to justify it" (which mean nothing considering your other statements and words). It's like someone saying "I'm not picking my nose!" whilst picking their nose.

We don't need further reason to understand why people cheat. Everyone already understands it. People arnt mad about it because they don't understand it. People are mad about it because it's still a shitty thing to do whatever reasoning the cheater has. And no, "I think my husband/wife is ugly" still doesn't justify it.

@Penathought ‘Adultery isn’t necessarily a reason to divorce. But what led the person to adultery might be’

I agree with this but not in the way your friend meant.

The realisation that a cheating spouse has poor personality traits is a good reason for a person to divorce a cheat. As I wrote earlier on this thread these traits include inability to communicate, self centred, lack of consideration, a liar, people pleaser, okay with sneaking about, prepared to pass on STDs, abusive (cheating is abuse in my opinion), no self respect, inability to keep their word. Belief that they deserve more.

Those are the real reasons people cheat.
No person on earth is capable of making another person cheat or be faithful. You keep your word or you don’t. It’s a choice and it’s really unattractive.

I keep my word unless my spouse gains weight. I keep my word but not if I’m feeling lonely and my spouse is busy with the kids. I keep my word unless the sexy bar tender offers me oral in the alleyway.

If the cheat felt they were in a marriage they no longer wanted to be in the self respecting thing to do would be - discuss it, leave or put up and remain true to their word.

Breaking their own vows says far more about the cheat then the betrayed spouse. And then to blame their actions and choices on the betrayed spouse is just pathetic and shows lack of accountability (another poor trait).

Unless the cheat fixes those traits that made them think cheating is a valid choice then they are a poor partner.

An elderly GP I know and had seen a lot in his life once said to me "Adultery isn't necessarily a reason to divorce, but what led the person to adultery might be". Following a discussion, what he meant was that if you no longer love or respect your spouse and/or maybe living in some kind of mental battlefield, then that's a reason for divorce and that's maybe why you are committing adultery. However, an unwise, quick moment of passion is not a reason for divorce, with all the consequences for the family, especially if there are children.
I'm afraid I haven't read all the comments, but I'm sure someone else has already suggested your spouse might be depressed and in some kind of downward spiral. That's where our vows are important, to help them get the right kind of support.

I think the problem is that in this context the word 'understandable' can mean either comprehendible (in the literal sense) or acceptable. Of course it is literally comprehensible that people cheat if they go off their partner. That doesn't make it any more acceptable though.

Your posts seem to all be saying 'I don't think cheating is good, but here are lots of reasons why it's not as simple as that'. But it is as simple as that. Even if you're only staying with your partner because it's too 'complicated' to leave, that does not actually mean you have to cheat. You can just.. not cheat!

Is it understandable to cheat on someone very ill with cancer? Or who becomes disabled and can no longer easily attend to their own basic needs? Or who’s bed-bound after an accident?

If a usually happy and healthy person becomes like this, they’re not well. They likely have severe depression. Anyone who’s not attending to personal care is in a bad way. Depression can mean people don’t seek medical help. They lose all self-respect and motivation. So they need a lot of love, support, encouragement and reassurance. For example, they may need a GP appointment made for them and to be taken there. As they would with any severe illness. They need to be nursed back to health, as would be the case with cancer etc.

Because, the couple are a team. And it works both ways. How would the ‘cheater’ feel if they were ill or became disabled. Would they expect their partner to leave them or have an affair?

If they refuse any help, e.g. physically resists going to GP or other appointments, refuses to wash every day and eat healthy food cooked for them, it should be discussed with the wider family and friends, who should also offer support, encouragement and reassurance. Presumably, they’d have noticed anyway.

Then, depends on what the person says. If they say they don’t want any support, are happy as they are and don’t want to change, then if there’s poor hygiene, you should contact the GP and social services.

Also, depends hugely on context. How long have they been together? Are there children involved? Is there abuse in the household? Is the person ever leaving the home? Can they afford to live separately? Who’s providing the food that’s making the person put on weight?

I couldn't respect anybody who didn't respect themselves.

If my partner let themselves go completely I'd be done. Same if they had depression that stopped them doing anything. life is too short. Time is too precious. I'm not martyring myself for anyone and I don't need a project or drama.

Life is hard enough without a miserable spouse who isn't even trying.

In those examples, just leave.

In the OP case, maybe she loves the man who has let himself go, but he doesn’t give a shit about her needs and is pushing her away.

Then she walks away, she doesn't cheat.

You’re assuming that the OP is female. Why?

But still no justification for cheating.

No offence but most of you must live a sheltered life if you think life is that simple. Women cheat, usually for emotional reasons - not getting that fulfilment from home etc. In the OP case, maybe she loves the man who has let himself go, but he doesn’t give a shit about her needs and is pushing her away.

No she didn’t. She literally said ‘if you don’t love a person anymore, leave’. She’s saying it’s ableist to say a persons MH being questionable is a reason to cheat on them. Which it is.

If my partner suddenly stopped taking care of themselves then I’d offer support/concern of MH issues. If they weren’t willing to make changes then I’d leave them. There’s never a good reason to cheat IMO.

Cheaters lack so many qualities that quite frankly, I don't understand why anyone would want to fathom their reasons for cheating because therein madness lies, except to say they feel entitled to shit all over their spouse and if they think along the same lines as you OP, prefer to place at least some of the blame on the true victim of their self centredness.

Your theory OP sounds bonkers and isn't rooted in reality.
Incredibly fit and beautiful women get cheated on every day of the week.
Enormously rich, successful gorgeous men get cheated on.

It's almost like you're trying to put some of the responsibility for the Infidelity at the wronged person's door!
You sound like a cheater apologist!
I suspect you are an OW and have started this thread to reassure yourself that what you believe is true, which is that wives who 'let themselves go' are partly responsible for their husbands dicks going awry.

The truth is that people who cheat can dress it up in whichever pretty outfit they like, but in every single case I've personally ever known of, there was never ever any intention to leave their spouses, only to have their cake and eat it.
When they are rumbled and their spouse boots them out, they go running to the OW/OM because they have no other option but they still beg their ex to take them back.
Even if their spouse had 'let themselves go', they're still an awful person to cheat on their spouse and even if that was the real reason, which I doubt, they are demonstrating that they'd rather live with someone they find unattractive, lie, conceal their actions and cheat, than have a conversation about their waning libido and that sounds like a shit partner to me, someone who chooses to shit on their partner rather than speak to them.
If they have such little respect for their partner, they could just leave?

Cheating is disrespectful and unnecessary. It just requires the cheater to make a bloody choice before they cheat rather than believe they can have it all.

The only reason cheaters lie and sneak around behind their spouses backs is because they don't want to make a choice and they don't want to be honest with their spouse because that may provoke their spouse into making a choice that wouldn't benefit the cheater.

@MyFirmQuoter

I think there are two types of cheats.

The 'habitual cheat' needs no reason to cheat. They could be married to someone who looks like <insert fav movie star>, keeps house like Martha Stewart, parents like 'Super Nanny', and greets them at the door with a drink and slippers, ushers them to their easy chair, and says "Don't lift a finger, Darling. You work so hard, leave the rest to me" and that person would still cheat. They thrive on the thrill.

There's the (for lack of better words) the 'emotional cheat'. This is the one who is unhappy in their marriage for some reason and is looking for something to 'make up for it'. But you never solve problems inside a marriage by looking for solutions outside the marriage. I think this is what you're referring to when you talk about 'reasons' or 'deficiencies'.

So yes, there are things that may happen in a marriage that make someone want to cheat and to justify cheating to themselves. But it's still wrong. It can't be justified by "I don't want to break up my children's home", "I can't afford to leave", "He/she 'let themselves go' or 'doesn't fulfill my needs'". Nope. No justification whatsoever. Not even being cheated on justifies 'cheating back', nor does abuse. Get the hell out, but don't cheat.

Always, always leave with your dignity and your self respect intact.

Exactly this.

Oh, it's too complicated, oh, it's difficult. No, you're just a coward, seeing what you can get away with before the other person has had enough.

Be an adult. End it yourself, don't treat the other person so poorly that they have to end it for you.

If that’s the same one I read she offered an open marriage. He was shocked and refused.

I think OP is a man (also you know that stretchmarks are natural right? They are not something you control?)

I genuinely don’t see how any of that leads to somebody cheating. There are multiple other choices.

Yeah selfish to leave somebody treating you poorly but not selfish to cheat in the first place. 😂

Yep - which seems foolish on both parts!

Either split up, or have a chat and express your feelings. Talk it out.

If my partner suddenly stopped showering etc I'd be concerned and worried they were depressed. I would not be thinking about cheating.

I'll hold my hands up and and say my marriage finally came to and end because I cheated. I know in some peoples eyes it is so awful and a few members of my family feel very strongly to the point that my relationships with them now is different.

I don't have an excuse, I was married, I vowed not to be with anyone else.

He didn't let himself go. In hindsight we should have never got married. We had a son 1.5 years after marriage and from the day I got pregnant onwards my whole view of him changed. I won't go into detail because I won't convince anyone he deserved being cheated on, because he didn't. But I fell out of love with him and once my trust in him (not in a cheating way, but being there, being the person I thought he was) was gone, it wouldn't come back.

I cheated with an old friend. In some ways I am glad it happened because I don't think I would have ever left if my ex husband didn't find out and confront me. He confronted me and I apologised and I left the same day. We share our son 50/50.

I am genuinely sorry for what I did to him because it hurt him a lot but I was miserable in my marriage. It feels so hard to "just leave" when you've a house, a child, pets, entwined lives.

What is that saying?
Men marry women in the hope that they will stay the same.
Women marry men in the hope that they will change.