To wonder how you forgive yourself for being with a guy who was below your level and didn’t treat you right?

Got decent child maintenance, and a fair financial settlement splitting our properties, and now I don't think of him at all. Why would I?

His loss (both me and the kids he barely bothers with - he cares about the maintenance more, which certainly speaks to his character). I'm doing great, my financial security (whilst technically not as good as his, I know him and he'll blow through whatever comes to him because he's an idiot, whereas I plan) is on track, as is my career/retirement, and my kids are lovely. It's entirely his loss.

Not your thread, not your circumstances! It is not about your life!

What? why do you need to forgive yourself? I was with a woman beating piece of shit. I left, I didn't need to forgive myself I just got on with my life, that's what people do there's really no need for all this overthinking.

People aren't answering the post based on your past. They're answering the question the OP asked. She doesn't need forgiveness, she can use it as a learning experience for future relationships.

What you're doing is making it about you.

Shit happens. We all make mistakes. No need to dwell on it.

Phew, what a relief. I’ll be sure to tell my adult sons that I made a bad call. We all make mistakes. I’ll make better decisions in the future. And let them know that they are being dramatic if they don’t immediately get over a childhood characterised by abuse.

I learned a lot from dating men who treated me badly.

I learned that I didn't ever want to behave like them (I knew that already, but I had trauma in my past so I've not always behaved ideally in previous relationships).

I learned that I'm strong enough to stand up for myself and seek better.

I learned that I can cut men out of my life and I'll be fine afterwards.

I learned that I love being single.

I learned how to spot danger signs when beginning a relationship.

I learned how to support others in bad situations.

It was shit at the time and of course I kick myself for giving more chances than I should. But overall, I feel happier and more confident now because of those experiences.

You made a bad call and now you've rectified it. There's nothing to forgive.

We all do it, make bad decisions that looking back we wonder why we did. You just chalk it up to life and move on making better decisions.

Shit happens, life moves on 🤷

Also curious about what the level means

This. Even if you did make a huge mistake, that's ok. We all do. Be glad you've moved on.

Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on
How did he not treat you the way you deserved to be treated

In my experience because I was stuck in an abusive relationship for three decades. It’s not always easy to leave, chalk it up to experience and move on.

Why the dramatics?? forgive yourself?? Really??

Why not just think, Christ I had a lucky escape there and move on?

I was married to someone that people were surprised I was with - he was not particularly attractive or intelligent, had a mediocre career etc. Little did they know he was also a serial cheat, bad husband, bad father and had no redeeming qualities. I had very low self esteem and thought I didn’t deserve decent. It’s hard to forgive yourself for being such an idiot to actively choose to be with someone who was a bit of a shit in all ways (despite being warned he was a shit).

I dated a man who was beneath me.

except he wasn’t. No one is better or worse than anyone else. Lots of people said I deserved better but he was human just as much as me

He is just a terrible person then. And would be terrible for any woman.

Often men who aren’t of your level will treat you badly to knock your confidence and keep you. It’s a tactic to make you think you can’t do better.

Be kind to yourself. Things get better.

This! Why is there a need for self forgiveness? Surely everyone has done things they may regret but they move on. Why are you still thinking about it in such negative terms?
I had a bad end to my marriage. It doesn’t matter now. It’s in the past . Neither of us care about it let alone dwell on it. I’d try some CBT as this mindset will really affect your life. Good luck.

Her point was that no woman deserves someone like this:
longterm unemployed with a police record for petty crime as long as your arm and a trail of children he never sees and doesn’t support with six different women.
she was challenging language that plays into the idea that dating is a market where people have different levels of value- hardly the language of feminism.

I’m trying to figure out how to move forward without feeling like I made a huge mistake.

Surely every relationship that ends can be classed as a ‘mistake’.
You just think “thank god I’m not still making that mistake”, learn from it and move on with your life. What’s done is done, you can’t change the past.
The mantra I live by is: If you can do something about it, do it. If you can’t, just get on with it.
You can’t do anything about this, as it’s already happened, so just get on with things.

Time. That’s what I did after dating men who treated by abysmally and I wondered why I stuck around and let that happen.

Just time to get over it and learn from it.

Love this response

I find it easier to separate it out.

They are not a reflection of you.

You were incompatible, weren't a good fit, weren't right for each other.

Do a bit of reflecting on things you wouldn't do again.

Then just focus on living your life in line with your values.

Also, I do think blocking someone is probably the only way you can really move forward. My ex blocked me and I'm grateful to him for that.

This all sounds very dramatic. You don’t need forgiveness for dating someone that was a bit of a shit in some way or another.

Yes! This! god forbid a woman have some self esteem and consider that she has options in looking for her match.