Am I mad for considering this living situation? Setting up house with parents AND brother

This is what I think too

I really do see the attraction but given all the negatives described by posters I would say no.

I suppose the other thing is that you admit to being in very weird place mentally. Perhaps not the best time to make major life decisions!

in your shoes, being able to work remotely 4 days a week I would definitely look to move away from suburbia, and if a more rural, period property is what you desire then it’s great that you’re in a position to go for it.

personally I wouldn’t want the set up you describe: nothing against my family members at all, but it’s clearly one property altogether (a farmhouse with 2 additional cottages) all down a shared driveway by the sound of it. It would just feel a bit claustrophobic to me and I also wouldn’t want to be subsidised by my parents. But you may feel differently. I would just advise giving it some time (which admittedly may mean losing this property) because making such a big decision probably isn’t best done when you’re feeling as you are

I'll come if you don't want to, it sounds perfect.

Just be very clear about work travel before you commit.

Sounds lovely.
Get everything legally drawn up with a solicitor fully protecting yourself, you never know what the future holds.

Even then though, would an independent buyer want to buy a small house or large cottage unit on land with a shared drive where the two other house owners were related? Sorry to be a negative Nelly but I wouldn’t!

Ditto would a girlfriend or potential partner of your db want to come and live on a little “estate” next to pils and sil & bil. Not sure I would!

Op it could all work brilliantly you never know but I think you have to look at these family transactions involving finances and properties through very clear unemotional eyes, not the with visions of flowers and a tea table.

If you think it would make you happy you should do it. I could do this with my family and I think we'd all be happy, particularly with the separate cottages. You should think it through properly though, such as how it would feel to live there every day, year on year. I probably would miss the city.

Sorry to be a downer but the worst case, and hopefully unlikely, scenarios are the ones to be thinking about rather than the scone and the cup of tea in the lovely garden. You may have already discussed these and know there is an agreed solution but what if:

You and husband decide you want to live somewhere else
Your brother wants to live somewhere else
You and your husband divorce
You die, your husband wants to live somewhere else
One of your parents dies, the remaining parent meets someone new who wants to live elsewhere or doesn’t want you living next door

I hope you can work through everything and come to an arrangement that works for you all 🏘️

Why the need to be subsidised by your parents? That brings with it the potential pitfalls- the mutual dependency, the issues if you/ brother/parents wanted to sell up at some point etc

its not like this can be the only lovely property you can afford. With the contribution you’d make, why not just buy a property independently with your dh? It might not be all done up by an interior designer but you would definitely be able to buy somewhere rural and attractive.

Do it. But have a Solicitor write it all up legally.

I would do this IF...
Parents bought the whole thing and THEN sold you and your brother the two cottages at whatever price is agreed between you.
The two cottages and the main house are registered as completely separate units with legal shared access to the driveway and parking.
Anyone can sell their own unit at any time, to whoever they want and at any price they want. You might agree that if you bought the cottage from your parents at lower than market value, you would have to give them £X from the sale if you sell within 5 years / 10 years.

If the above is done, so that there are no legal entanglements, I'd jump at it.

Also for you personally I'd recommend looking at whether you could afford the mortgage with a job local to the cottage, in case yours falls through. Ie don't depend on the big city salary.

I would do it with my parents and I would do it with my children. But the finances must be clear. How about that Agatha Christie stalwart a Tontine?

Go for it.

Edited to say this is in response to:

My parents would effectively be subsidising dh and I. They are selling a house which shot up in value over the last 30 years.

In that case Op, I’m sorry, but I would not enter this sort of arrangement.

However respectful of your privacy and independence your parents may be, the parent-adult child dynamic is always skewed by financial subsidy,

Parents tend to assume some level of ownership or control over their adult offspring in this situation, even if it’s unconscious.

And adult children can palm off financial responsibility on to their parents. And the relationship with the son in law (in this instance your dh) is always tricky and puts obligations and stress on to your marriage.

I think it’s far better if each party remain free agents and financially independent, sorry!

Are you saying you and your husband would have no immediate financial investment? Also a consideration is the age of your parents. Can they manage a large property? What happens if they need to pay for care in old age?

Sounds idyllic but so would like to know the following:

What would the financial
arrangements be?

What happens when your parents get old or one of you wants to sell?

If your parents died, what would the will look like and how would assets be divided?

I’d want to make sure that financially you were secure and wouldn’t lose out if/when this arrangement comes to an end and you would receive full value of house back if you are paying mortgage?

The obvious issue would be difficulties arising from having to sell the estate of all of the houses together because it doesn’t sound ideal if they were sold off individually?

What happens if you have children (if you don’t have them already) what about schools?

What if your brother has a serious relationship and married and you can’t stand their partner or spouse?

Sounds good and if your parents should need help as they get older you will be close at hand. It sounds like a very pleasant place.
I would love this set up with my grown dc.

How are the financials working? What will happen if your parents need care?

I think it sounds great.

But, what if it goes wrong? What if you want to move? Are you putting money in to the house(s) to buy, or not? If not, will you pay rent to your parents? If so - what is the exit strategy? Lots of things to consider.

I think I'd need a solid exit strategy for if/when it stops working, eg:

• dps need to sell up to pay for elder care
• dps think you can DO the elder care as they think you're just pottering about & don't understand WFH
• db suddenly rocks up with a new dp he's met on his travels. Who has 3 dc from a previous relationship. They want you out.
• you meet a lovely new dp, but he/she doesn't want to basically move in with the ILs
• you decide it's been great, but now you'd like to buy a place, but you've been off the property ladder for years & you're getting older, so any mortgage you can get will be crippling

etc etc.

I wouldn't reject the idea out of hand, but I'd want to have discussed how the set up could be easily dissolved without everyone falling out...