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Original poster

Am I mad for considering this living situation? Setting up house with parents AND brother

112 replies

Bourte · 12/04/2025 11:56

I am in a very weird place mentally. I am experiencing a bit of an existential crisis. Have become very conscious of the fact that humans are not designed to spend all day creating PowerPoints and sitting in a very unremarkable new build in a London commuter town.

My parents have suggested this completely mad set up. They have found the MOST gorgeous stone farmhouse in Devon with two VERY good sized cottages. Bigger than my home now. And when I say they could be featured in Home and County it is no understatement. Someone with obviously amazing taste has or even an interior designer has done the whole place up. The terrace with its plants and flowers is second to none. We are taking vaulted ceilings, stone fireplaces, flagstaff floors etc. There are various gardens which are just spectacular.

The properties are fairly separate also. Being used as an income right now.

I work from home and could probably get away with going into London one day a week. My husband is very up for the idea but he is a bit of an introvert with very sporty hobbies. The cottage that would be ours is 3 possibly 4 bed. It’s on the edge of a gorgeous town with a lot going on.

My brother is a long haul pilot so he really just needs a place to rest his head.

We get on very well and have never had a problem with boundaries .We are probably polite to a fault.

I mean it has a winding gravel drive way with electric gates ffs.

Am I mad??

I live in a very unremarkable new build semi that is beyond cramped with no garden to speak of

OP posts:
FlowerUser · 12/04/2025 14:20

This sounds idyllic. Say yes.

If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out and you can move away, but I'd have phoned an estate agent today to sell my place.

Original poster
Bourte · 12/04/2025 14:18

I definitely do think having parents close by would be a massive help if dh and I do end up having 2 or 2 kids. Which I think is very possible.

OP posts:
Yellowpingu · 12/04/2025 14:16

Go for it! My DM lives in a separate building on our land with her own garden. It worked well for us with young DC when we needed it and now that she’s older it works the other way around.

Agix · 12/04/2025 13:32

Omg OP do it. It sounds like a dream of an adventure.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 13:29

Plan for divorce and death as well.
My sdad ended up owning 3/11 of a property or similar and it was a nightmare

Original poster
Bourte · 12/04/2025 13:29

Middlechild3 · 12/04/2025 13:25

He'll also need to be within 1/2 hours drive if his base airport. Aviation is fickle and he may not always work for the same carrier. Emotionally it sounds lovely but I'd be very careful investing in part ownership of a 3 unit but singular property. Circumstances change, relationships change, jobs change. Life can be difficult enough maintaining a straightforward existence without being affected by future decisions of other adults. You could find a property similar of your own don't be swayed by nice interior design and fantasies.

Show quote history

That’s not true for his current airline. When he was short haul he needed to be within 45 mins when he did home standbys.

A lot of captains he flies with out of Heathrow live in Europe and commute in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bourte · 12/04/2025 13:28

Brother is talking about possibly going to the ME. Tax free, housing allowance etc for a few years. Would pay his portion

OP posts:
Middlechild3 · 12/04/2025 13:25

Bourte · 12/04/2025 12:56

I did express to my brother concerns for him and any future partner. But brother has expressed a desire to just totally commit himself to work to get his hours in for command. I have mentioned the possibility that his future wife may not be happy with the set up. But brother emphasised he’s not looking to settle down for a few years (he is 26). But of course who can predict these things?

He'll also need to be within 1/2 hours drive if his base airport. Aviation is fickle and he may not always work for the same carrier. Emotionally it sounds lovely but I'd be very careful investing in part ownership of a 3 unit but singular property. Circumstances change, relationships change, jobs change. Life can be difficult enough maintaining a straightforward existence without being affected by future decisions of other adults. You could find a property similar of your own don't be swayed by nice interior design and fantasies.

friendlycat · 12/04/2025 13:23

I would worry about your brother being so young and meeting a future partner who doesn’t want to live under this arrangement. Then what happens if he wants to live somewhere else?

you need to work out practical exit strategies.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 13:22

Do it but tie it up watertight in legal terms - using a lawyer
Assume it will go well and everyone will be reasonable but plan for if it doesn't, especially in case your brother gets married/has chidren or similar.

CountryQueen · 12/04/2025 13:22

I’d do it, has your brother considered the 400 mile round trip to Heathrow? Presumably that’s where much of his work will be based?

Either way, sounds great

MatildaTheCat · 12/04/2025 13:21

Devon is quite a long way for your brother to travel if he flies out of London? Does he get a choice? At 26 he probably has no idea where he will want to live in a few years. Would he be contributing financially?

Would you anticipate staying in London on your day a week in the office? That 6 hour minimum round trip will get onerous and expensive pretty quickly.

Also do you have any other siblings who might be due to inherit a cut of the property value when your parents die? I think it sounds potentially great and I’m also assuming your parents are quite young? Just get a solicitor to go through it very carefully to protect everyone involved.

jay55 · 12/04/2025 13:21

I think it sounds ideal. You’re close by but separate.
You get the lifestyle you want.

Could get complex if you split from your husband.

Original poster
Bourte · 12/04/2025 13:16

Brother is REALLY unpicky. He just started flying long haul so spends a lot of time in big cities/ just walking around by himself. He really just wants a place to sleep when he’s home and somewhere to put his this things ie his motorcycle. He is very into fitness and the outdoor lifestyle appeals for him to recharge when off work

OP posts:
Notsuchafattynow · 12/04/2025 13:12

I know of 2 seperate families that did just this, on the proviso that if one family wanted to sell, then it was sold.

Worked really well.

gattocattivo · 12/04/2025 13:09

So your brother is still quite young… I can see that what might work well for him is to invest in a property, even though he sounds like he’s working all hours right now and not home much. And having a property near to family could work well as they can keep an eye on it and he may even want to let it out for income as he’s so heavily involved with work now. But I’d be surprised if at 26 he wants to make a big decision which is so wrapped up with the rest of the family.

why not consider moving rurally (as it seems your parents are planning to do anyway) but keeping your independence? You could be within easy striking distance of each other but I think there are a lot of potential pitfalls about your parents buying what is essentially one property down a shared drive way where they’re subsidising you.

Quiceinalifetime · 12/04/2025 13:08

Just go.

wizzywig · 12/04/2025 13:07

Whay happens when one house owner passes? Will you need to sell that house?

Fingernailbiter · 12/04/2025 13:04

If you all get on, it sounds wonderful. But I would be very careful to get the practicalities about bills etc., and future possibilities, in writing. What would happen if one or two of the three households wanted to sell up or move? What if your brother married someone who you don’t get on with, or who didn’t want to live there? Do the three homes come together, as a package, or could they be sold individually? If the latter, how difficult might it be if a stranger bought one of them?

4forksache · 12/04/2025 12:59

My immediate reaction was no way, but that was when I thought you meant one house.
I think you should go for it - but consider how you would afford it/ manage with outsiders, if db’s circumstances change. Which they very definitely could do.

Original poster
Bourte · 12/04/2025 12:56

I did express to my brother concerns for him and any future partner. But brother has expressed a desire to just totally commit himself to work to get his hours in for command. I have mentioned the possibility that his future wife may not be happy with the set up. But brother emphasised he’s not looking to settle down for a few years (he is 26). But of course who can predict these things?

OP posts:
NominatedNameOfTheDay · 12/04/2025 12:54

I have a friend who has a set up like this (3 adult children + partners + kids in the cottages though) and it works great for them, lots of little cousins growing up together.

Original poster
Bourte · 12/04/2025 12:50

We get on very well. We are all easygoing people who try to be kind to one another. I know my mum and dad would not be rocking up constantly. We go on holidays together and it’s obvious they try their best to be considerate.

dh likes my parents and they like him

OP posts:
Willandra · 12/04/2025 12:48

InspectorDefect · 12/04/2025 12:28

Do it. But have a Solicitor write it all up legally.

This.

It sounds perfect.

Printorplainthatisthequestion · 12/04/2025 12:45

Bourte · 12/04/2025 12:33

It would give dh and I more disposable income each month.

I just thought it was mutually beneficial. We can keep an eye out for my parents and they can help us with the dogs/house sitting when dh and I go away (which we do fairly often).

Show quote history

What does your dh think about it op?

How does he get on with your family?

Is he close to his family?

I’d be wary if I was the sil or dil in this scenario, again, it could work well, but the potential downsides could be damaging to your marriage,