Am I mad for considering this living situation? Setting up house with parents AND brother

This was also a bit of an alarm bell! It could potentially be a massive help, if the parents are willing and able to help out. But say they get ill or infirm (or on the other hand if they stay super fit and independent and have busy lives, holidays etc) what will you do for regular childcare, especially with a commute to London weekly? If you’re planning to try for a family it would be essential to check out childcare options in the area, which are likely to be far more limited than those in the London area.

Seconding this comment about elderly parents and care @Bourte.You’ve also said you’d be happy to ‘help out’ your parents by making meals etc, but it can be a lot more than that - will you be able to spend half a day every few weeks taking one of your parents to a hospital appointment, for example ( my PIL seem to have appointments every other week at the moment)? That’s half a day of leave, or working in the evening to catch up, and how will that feel when you’ve got young children and need to use leave for school holidays. A lot of the day to day care stuff takes up lots of time and mental energy, which can be stressful - you’re the one who has to arrange for the cleaner/ housekeeper/ gardener/ household maintenance for your parents, make sure they’re doing their jobs correctly, sort out payment etc… sounds trivial but it all adds up.

Lots of people have pointed out the potential legal issues regarding care costs , what happens if one of you wants to sell up in the future, your commute and how many days you need to be in the office, local employment prospects. I notice you haven’t mentioned anything about your DH’s job and commute?

I’d also agree that if your mental health is feeling unsettled at the moment, it’s probably not the best time to be making drastic decisions.

Most people agree it sounds idyllic but look at every worst case scenario and make sure things are in place to mitigate these.

Please don’t just go in blindly assuming everything will work out. It might for a while but then what?

Lots of excellent points here requiring very careful examination.

Just thinking about work, key points I would make
(a) one day a week in London from Devon is a very long way. Expensive and tiring.
(b) even if (a) is doable are you due that there isn’t going to be pressure to start doing more days a week in the office? Lots of people are getting burnt on that who moved way out in Covid and now companies are expecting 3-4-5 days a week in person.
(c) even if (a) is doable and (b) holds, if you want to need to move jobs you may find your options (and pay) extremely curtailed compared to being easy commute to London. Think carefully about this.

I think, ironically, the thing which would make this living arrangement viable is also the thing which could potentially make it awful!

So, the only way I would even consider the idea is if the deeds to each property can be separated so that each party has their home in their own name and the freedom to sell when they want.

And this is where the potential risk comes in. This is a farmhouse and 2 cottages down a shared private driveway. How would you feel if at some point your parents or brother sold up and you had new neighbours, who might be great but might not be? In my view there’s a world of difference between having a neighbour you might not particularly get on with who lives along the road and is just one of many neighbours, and a neighbour you don’t get on with in the set up you describe, where you’re almost your own little community.

The long driveway could potentially be a hassle too…. Presumably as it’s all one property currently, the owner has responsibility for maintaining it. This becomes trickier if the properties are separated by deed, perhaps not so much if it’s just your family members and you agree to pay one third each, but if someone new moved in.

Ultimately that’s the drawback for me. I wouldn’t even entertain the idea unless all 3 properties were separated so you each have control over selling/ moving away/ renting out. But the necessary separation of the properties also brings potential pitfalls.

I can see that as you’re married, thinking of having kids (and therefore thinking it’ll be handy to have grandparents on the spot!) you’re potentially the most ‘settled’ of the 3 parties. But your parents may get infirm, or ill and decide an old farmhouse is no longer suitable. And most of all, the 26 year old brother is at a stage where anything could happen… he may want to rent out his property for periods of time, he may hook up with a partner who doesn’t want to settle in this particular spot…

Lots to think about. And as i said earlier, I wouldn’t make a big life decision while your mental health is all over the place. You need to consider all angles quite objectively.

It sounds lovely. Id only do it if we had a family meeting and legal advice to consider all possible scenarios.

Things like
What happens if you divorce. You may feel that's not possible for you, but most couples feel that way and some of them still end up divorced.

What happens if your brother married

What happens if someone dies. What if you died and your husband married again, for example.

What happens if your parents need more care than you can provide at some point and need to go into a home

These and many other scenarios.

Ok so this is the worst thing that can happen-

One of the three of you wants to move;
The others have spent time and money on their houses and can’t afford to buy the other out;
The three parties begrudgingly decide to sell but won’t agree on what proportion of the property each one owns. Brother now has a wife/ girlfriend and child on the way and she wants a nice house for her own family;
Party who wants to sell instructs solicitors because he thinks the other two are being deliberately difficult about the sale because they don’t want to sell;
Other two parties also instruct solicitors;
Family have massive row with party who is wanting to leave bring accused of selfishly ruining other parties’ lives/ retirement;
Party who wants to sell decides to rent property out and move away because he hates living in acrimony;
Nightmare tenants who are a nuisance/ property falls into disrepair/ refuse to move out;
Other parties have to spend more money evicting tenant and can’t afford to maintain their own property;
One parent becomes seriously ill and needs care. Council demand house is now sold to fund care home fees at a massive undervalue because of falling into disrepair;
All parties are now worse off and family no longer speak to each other.

Sorry but you did ask….

I would jump at this chance, no question. For all the (undoubtedly level-headed) nay-sayers on here - what is the worst that could happen, financially? You all have to sell up and take your portion, having had many idyllic years living there? No contest! Please say you're going to do it!!

Can’t really figure out which of YABU and YANBU is “go for it”, but that’s what you need to do.

As far as I can figure out your literal only downside is your employer calls you into the office more than one day a week at some point (in which case you’ll need to rent a room in London which is hardly the end of the world).

It’s not like you’re going to be sharing a bathroom your extended family.

I love Devon but having spent two years there
totally hated the damp , it rains a lot to
how easy would it be once p in law need care etc on ageing

Sorry, haven't read everything, but what happens if one of you wants to sell. Could one of the properties be sold by itself? If not then it is not a great idea as it may not work in the longer term.

Devon to London once a week and long haul pilot brother who presumably commutes to London airports, I think you would find travel arrangements very hard quite quickly.

I think it's all been said!!

Lots and lots to think about, and you need to think about it all before agreeing to it.

I have a friend who lives in what sounds like a similar set up. In between parents and sibling, three houses on one private piece of land. They have kids and the grandparents love having the kids around. Works well for them.

I do think they all respect each others space at home though. Not constantly being around, not dropping the kids on GPs with no notice etc. That sounds key.

I would do this in a heart beat it makes total sense to me.

My uncle and cousins have this in Italy. A very large plot with 5/6 houses/apartments. My uncle and Aunt have one, my cousin and her daughter have another, my other cousin has a third (although he doesn’t live there) they then also rent out long term or holiday the other places. It works really well, and I think it is much more common over there.

I’d be tempted by a setup like this. I know nothing about legalities surrounding a setup like this so agree on getting legal advice and having everything spelled out from the beginning. Including the scenarios of someone wanting out of the situation.

I think the risk is your brother. He’s so young and sounds idyllic to buy somewhere lovely close to family he can have as a base… but there are very very high odds he’ll meet someone and as a couple they won’t want to settle down in the countryside/wont want to live next door to in laws. You’ll brother will need to sell so he can buy somewhere else with his partner. Can you/your parents buy him out? Are you happy for a stranger to buy his cottage?

Do it op. Sounds like you all have good respectful boundaries. You’re asking the wrong bunch here, people who kick their kids out at 18 and don’t think caring for elderly parents is their responsibility, not to mention charging their parents for meals and dinners. Get the finer details sorted out and I would say go for it. Many cultures live like this and this is your village should you have kids.

I don’t think this sounds like a terrible idea, it sounds great for the time being, BUT what happens if you, your brother or your parents want to move? Would you be able to get your money out, or would the whole family have to sell up? Could you buy it and then, for example, split the titles? Would your parents be happy with that?

If your parents are getting some kind of stately home/ massive pile, will they be able to keep up with maintenance/ bills? Places like that can be money pits and/ or miserable in the winter. If you let places like that fall into disrepair or they start getting damp they are incredibly hard to sell. Who’s going to do/ pay for the garden (it can basically be a full time in the summer).

If the plan would be for you or your brother to take on the big house eventually could you end up in a fight about it?

Also how would the property be held (you’d probably need sone kind of trust). Otherwise when your parents die you could have to sell anyway to pay inheritance tax.

Overall I think you all need to think of the worst case scenarios before you commit.

I was prepared to say over my cold, dead body (imagining a suburban semi), but actually it sounds lovely and I could put up with my family to live there 😂

Gosh do it.

It all sounds a wonderful opportunity. But I would want to have the deeds to the 3 properties separated and your house to be in your own names. Plus future scenarios discussed as per other PPs

Say one of you dies / moves away - would you want a new neighbour moving in living in that close proximity to you?

This would be a dream come true!

Where in Devon is this property? A lot of Devon is isolated, where is this property in relation to a main line train station that can get you to London? If for example, it’s North Devon you will have to commute from your village to Barnstaple then catch the train an hour away to Exeter to be able to catch a train to London which is approximately a 4 hour journey, then you will have another commute at the end to get to your place of work so around a conservative 5-6 hour trip one way before you even start work and imagine doing that in the depths of a Devon winter. Devon is lovely as my username suggests but don’t be fooled, it’s a big county and getting to London is a trek unless you live close to the mainline station and even then it’s not a quick journey.