Husband using OnlyFans

Well you are wrong.

Leaving him won’t crush you. Staying with him will utterly destroy you.

this man is my world and leaving him would crush me.

Staying with him will crush you even more.

You asked for advice
The best advice is to reconsider your future with him and raise your bar. You are telling him that you accept his behaviour.

If you are adamant that you want to stay with this lying cheat who will get you into debt then you need to do the following:

1. Get watertight contraception
2. Get an STI test because I'm not convinced he hasn't already cheated
3. Go back to work full time if you haven't already and make sure you are financially independent by keeping your finances separate. Do not subsidise his porn addiction

He’s conducting his sex life with other women and he’s paying them for it. He is morally repugnant and thinks a woman’s body is a commodity that can be bought for him to use. He’s proved repeatedly that he has no intention of stopping. He is a liar and a cheat. This will not change. Is this who you want to spend your life with? Is he a role model for your children? Don’t you deserve so much better?

He might be your world but you’re not his.

He has taken a loan for sex content? (Porn is free so he is clearly going for very specific things if he is keen to pay 500€ on OnlyFans and go into debt for it.)

He is grim & willing to get his family into debt for his sexual satisfaction. I also feel men who use OnlyFans are total creeps, as I find porn a lot less personal as it’s rarely about a specific actress, and more about the scenario, OnlyFans is 100% about the person and how far you are willing to go to feel you have access to them/their body.

Your husband is a creep who doesn’t respect women (you to start with) is that the kind of example you want for you kids?/for your daughter? He is also completely unilaterally making financial decisions without consulting you that could greatly impact you and your kids.

Honestly I wouldn’t even attempt to save my marriage. I would just bin the man and completely separate my finances from him.

Is he getting into debt for another woman? I couldn't forgive that.

I’m not particularly bothered about porn either, other than the ethical side of it, but I absolutely would be bothered if he was paying for one on one interactions. It’s so creepy and sleezy. I have no idea what you get on Onlyfans for £500 but the fact he’s taken out a loan to do it suggests he has a problem. If you are really determined to stay then I agree that you both need to go to therapy. You have repeatedly set totally reasonable boundaries, which he has then ignored and lied about. You need help with enforcing those boundaries and he needs help to understand why he is self sabotaging like this. Destroying your marriage for the sake of a wank is ridiculous, juvenile behaviour.

People don't change. Once a wh0re, always a wh0re.

When you say you have no problem with him watching porn, don’t you think that’s the direct line to this? Acceptance of one makes it easier for the other. Raise the bar.

Therapy won’t fix him. He won’t choose to fix himself. OP you need to address your abandonment issues because they are forcing you to cling to this deadbeat. You should leave him—that is courageous movement, not abandonment.

I wouldn't be able to forgive him, but I agree with the therapy suggestion if that's what you're considering. I really don't think you can trust him again- it's multiple times that he's done it, and far too much money.

He’s your world? This sleazy, cheating, lying lowlife who is taking money from his children to spend on god knows what horrible interactions with an online prostitute is ‘your world’? You are not kids at school any more. You are an adult and a mother and you and your children deserve better.

"this man is my world and leaving him would crush me."

This is the what, fourth time you've found he's lying and cheating and you've only been married 2 years.

You can do the same old and check his phone and have big fights where he promises to change and you rugsweep and not one thing will change.

Or, let him lie and cheat and take out loans to spend cheating with other women in peace. He's not just looking, he's interacting with other women. Don't check his phone. Ignore it. Work harder to pay off his cheating debts. Get regular STI checks if you have any sex with him. Accept he's still the guy he was in school and he hasn't changed one bit.

There's better worlds out there.

You should seriously think about leaving him. He’s done it again and again, with no thought for you. If you don’t leave then have a look at separating your finances. He’s already spent hundreds and borrowed a lot of it. If he keeps on that way he could be thousands in debt so make sure that debt isn’t yours too.

The best part of a grand on OnlyFans? Gross, sleazy and LTB territory.

Porn addiction.

There's a book you should read called Your Brain on Porn

It's extremely explanatory. Your husband isn't going to change, and whenever they say they will, it's usually a bare faced lie. I'd be looking at separation.

If this man is your world, then you aren't going to leave him. However, you really need to cultivate another world. You need to feel valued in a different setting. A person should always have an independent sense of self and this is most easily created by doing something fully engaging that doesn't involve the other half. Whether it is a career, a voluntary post or a proper hobby, people need to do something for themselves. Perhaps there is a local charity that works with sex workers - that would be an ideal voluntary role! But jokes aside, you are too invested in this man. It is probably an overhang of an older boy being interested in you, but really, it sounds like school was a while ago. Create a bit of life for yourself outside this relationship, and you'll be able to look at him more objectively. Only Fans is grubby and taking out a loan to spend there is desperately pathetic, whatever the circumstances. The women on that site feel more empowered than most sex workers, not to mention safer, but that is still what they are. It won't necessarily mean you leave him, but a degree of separation would help you to feel stronger. I'm very sorry about your loss regardless.

Umm I seem to be the only one that thinks couples counselling is at least worth a shot 🤷‍♀️ breaking up a family, losing a life partner, they seem pretty drastic actions to me. I’m not condoning what he has done but at the same time fixing something if it is broken I think might be worth a shot for the cost of a few sessions of counselling (a hell of a lot cheaper than divorce!). He’s may have some sort of addiction to it and need professional help, he maybe revolted and self hatred for what he does, who knows. Therapy might help you explore that and understand together. Just my opinion.

As everyone has said, he faces no consequences. He will continue to lie and spend money. He is spending large sums on the sex industry for his gratification. He is a sexual creep.

You either have to put up with it or leave. He's shown you he will continue to lie. You will never fully trust him.

Getting into debt for this? After he’s been told time and time again? Just dump him. He’s past saving.

£500 on this shit?? What the fuck.

And I bet you're there doing a food budget

He's paying a woman to take her knickers off

How long till it's escort's if he hasn't already.

He obviously has no respect for you , as he very clearly thinks he can get away with it time and time again, and you will just make excuses for him and believe his lies. He's got serious issues if he's spending that amount of money on this.Think of yourself and your children, he won't change I'd have packed his bags and shown him the door after the first time to be honest.

I would be packing his stuff pronto. I wouldn’t have this, he is blatantly disrespecting you and the family you have built

Who's pictures is he paying for.

500 on only fans isn't just pictures. It's direct video calls apparently