Husband canceling his game

Yup. And who leaves a 3 year old strapped in a (stationary) pram for any length of time? Mine would go absolutely bonkers.

Of course they do.

Well, if he's really thinking 'my wife doesn't trust me to be a good father', there's nothing wrong with him thinking that. A good father doesn't park a three year old in a buggy for the duration of a game, making her vulnerable, possibly on her own if she gets distressed, potentially hit by a stray ball. So no, he's not a good father if that's the sort of thing he does on the regular.

He's also not a good team mate if he plays the game with the amount of distraction supervising his daughter well would take.

Yes, this is my opinion: a 3 year old needs a parent to be with them when in a public space.

‘because the other parent can’t be relied upon to ensure his child’s safety…’ In your opinion.

Gosh but there’s an awful lot of righteous certainty on here.

What’s scary and upsetting is a parent should have a very, very strong urge to protect their tiny child, especially at such a young age - and he just doesn’t have it.

What he’s said is “yeah it’ll probably ok, maybe, I guess” with a shrug. He doesn’t care enough about his own child. It’s shocking and he should be ashamed.

The OP is now in a position where she has to manage her husband's negative emotions towards her because she's rightfully voiced her valid concerns (and he can't handle it, it highlights his inadequacies). And she still has the safety of a 3 year old to think about - because the other parent can't be relied upon to ensure his child's safety, because his needs and wants should come first.

It's 2025. Men need to do SO MUCH BETTER.

It’s not about massaging egos, it’s about trying to understand why people behave and react in certain ways.

Perhaps I used a silly shorthand that didn’t justify my point. I meant by massaging the ego, it’s about understanding that he may be upset about something deeper than his wife not wanting him to go to a basketball game, he may really be thinking, ‘my wife doesn’t trust me to be a good father’.

It’s not about massaging egos to make one person feel good about themselves, it’s about understanding why they react. It’s also not about rights and wrongs, it’s about trying as best as we can to understand differences in all things and that people hear things/ interpret things differently in situations.

In relationships, with children, at work, with friends and in all manner of situations, disagreements and resentments happen. Now, you can stick in your heels and keep pushing at the problem, but it rarely helps, or you can take a breath and think about the issue and what the other person is doing, how they are reacting and think about why they might be doing it.

A child might get angry and break a toy. It’s unlikely they broke it because breaking it was their aim. Now absolutely, you might first get angry with them, but if that’s the only response it leads nowhere, except perhaps an angrier and upset child. But if you ask them why they broke the toy, well then you’re engaging with them. And they may respond and they may learn something and you may learn something, and you might come to something positive out of the mess.

I think your dh is winning moron of the week here.
he can’t play a highly active sport whilst watching a three year old, so his solution is to strap her in a buggy and carry on when she will obviously get distressed and need a wee/drink/hug.
jeez.

Usually it's done as a way to trap a woman into supporting their lifestyle (running the household, cooking for them, the additional income) whilst they expect to not even do the bare minimum with little interruption to their free time. They know it will be a much harder choice for the woman to leave once a child is involved.

Unfortunately, the only way to get past that sometimes is to do a bit of ego massaging: ‘of course I didn’t mean to imply… you’re a wonderful father… it’s probably me, but…’

People really do this? Massage his ego because he can’t get to play one game of basketball because his wife is working? This is madness. He’s an adult who has a child and shit happens all the time that plans need to change, it’s called being an adult and parenting. I’m gobsmacked that people massage egos like this.

OP he can’t leave a 3 year old in pushchair while he’s playing and it’s really cheeky to expect others to watch his child simply because he wants to play sport. Missing one game won’t kill him and if this was my DH he’d be reminded he’s an adult with responsibilities, I certainly wouldn’t be massaging his ego.

3 is way way too old to be sat in a buggy with nobody engaging with them or truly watching them for what 2 hours? On the other hand it's way too young for her to be allowed to run free especially if dad is distracted by a sports game. Sorry dad but you either need to drop out or find alternative childcare. This isn't fair or safe on the child. Do you guys have any sort of interactive calender that you can both see and add commitments to? My DH and I just use our android phone calenders and it's really useful l. I sometimes work weekends and DH has a hobby he does at weekends. There is never any question though that working trumps hobbies and that if there's a timetable clash HE needs to sort it. That's how genuine partnership parenting works surely

She's three. Of course she needs full supervision. It's also not fair to ask her to sit in the pushchair on the sidelines by herself all that time. He can't play a game and keep a full eye on a child at the same time.

It's also not fair of him to expect the other women to take care of his daughter. If I went to watch my DH's game, I wouldn't want a child foisted on me.

Being a parent means we can't always do what we want. You're working, so he's taking care of his child. If this is a regular situation then maybe you need to look into a paid babysitter to cover this time so he can have his game and you can go to work.

And I will never fully understand why people come on here raising a genuine concern- especially when it’s about husbands - as they then open themselves up to a torrent of vitriol thrown at their husbands.
it is absolutely possible that a couple might have an issue or disagree about something without the answer being that one of them is a dreadful person.
Why do so many on here feel the need to (mostly) ignore the actual issue and certainly crush down any nuance and bash the partner as idiotic, as a ‘breadbin of a man’, as a ‘boo-hoo 'upset' of a grown ass man who is clueless and selfish’, etc.???
Do people not appreciate that these are people in a relationship? Who love and respect their partners and the families they’ve built together and do need to read 500 posts telling them that actually their husbands are useless, hideous, creatures who would probably be better off out of their lives?

He can't play basketball properly and watch your child properly, it's that simple. She cannot just be left strapped in a pushchair for an entire game, he's being ridiculous.

Wonderful. Hopefully it’ll work out well. Last thing is that’s it’s probably important to step back and think about why he’s giving you the cold shoulder and being difficult. I doubt it’s really about the basketball game, it’s that he’s reacting to the (voiced or perhaps only inferred) accusation that he doesn’t take the wellbeing of his child seriously and cannot be trusted to make his own decision. We all sometimes react badly to being told that what we’re doing isn’t good enough (especially if it’s true!). Unfortunately, the only way to get past that sometimes is to do a bit of ego massaging: ‘of course I didn’t mean to imply… you’re a wonderful father… it’s probably me, but…’

This. It is not the Olympics so DH can always leave the court, if need be.
And suggest that he texts around his team mates and asks if any of their older kids, or girlfriends, would like to be paid to entertain 3 year old in her pram beside the court, for cash.

I will never understand why these idiotic men choose to have families. Never.

What an absolute breadbin of a man.

The safety and wellbeing of your 3 year old child comes first OP. Not the boo-hoo 'upset' of a grown ass man who is clueless and selfish 🥴

I think a good chat - without accusations or assumptions on either side - is what’s needed. Not starting by saying that you don’t want him to go, don’t trust him to provide care to you child and think he’s being selfish, but starting by saying that you absolutely understand that he wants to do this and he feels it is safe, but that you have some worries and they are (x,y,z) and can he set your mind at ease on them? That way it’s about working as a team to solve an issue (and it may well be that the solution is he shouldn’t go) rather than knocking heads. The more you push against it, the more likely he will push his heals in.

There are different aspects to this. You’ve already solved the first, which is that he wasn’t lying when he said there would be two other players wives there, even though that’s no longer the case.

The second issue is whether he should have cancelled once he knew you were unavailable to look after your child (though not sure whether this was a change in plans or if that had always been the case and he booked knowing he’d have to go with child in tow). This point rather comes down to whether your husband believes that he can do both things: he does. It’s not like he’s trying to pull out of looking after his child or asking you not to work so he can play his game.

The third issue is not about whether a going to play in a basketball game is a safe thing to do - after all others have pointed out that it’s (presumably indoors) and there will be lots of people around - it’s about whether you trust your husband to put the safety of his children above all else. One rather hopes you do. You chose this man as the father of your child and so presumably you trust him to look after your child without you there? Now there are mothers and fathers out there who clearly don’t trust or respect their partners as parents. Those constantly telling them what they are doing wrong and panicking every time they do something that they see as slightly dangerous. ‘Why are you letting him on the climbing frame?’ ‘You need to use two hands to help her walk down the stairs’ etc., etc. The trouble is that that sort of thing is incredibly controlling, it lacks in any respect for the partner and builds resentment, knocks confidence and ultimately also affects the children who grow up terrified of doing anything remotely ‘risky’.

The question shouldn’t be should I stop my husband from taking my child to his basketball game, it should be do I trust my husband to be a decent father? If you do, then give him the respect to let him make choices about how he manages his parental responsibilities.

He might be upset but as a grown man I'd expect him to suck it up and get over it.

If it's that important he can still go to game, not play, and watch from the sidelines with your 3yr old.

Work comes first, that’s what pays the bills.

he needs to drop out of the game as he doesn’t have a babysitter . What he is suggesting is irresponsible.