Husband canceling his game

Agree. I found that poster’s message worrying! He needs to grow the fuck up.

Your dh is an idiot.
He needs to put his child first.
He can’t go to the game, welcome to the world of parenting.

How can he be constantly watching her whilst he’s playing basketball? That’s not physically possible
He can occasionally glance her way, but if he’s watching the ball, his team mates and actively playing there isn’t a chance he can safely watch your child.

No way I’d let him do this.

He needs to grow up and realise being a Dad you have to re jig your responsibilities and your child comes first, always. There will be plenty more basketball games he can play.

Wait, I've just realised you are talking about a three year old and not a baby.

You can't leave a three year old strapped into a pushchair for the duration of a basketball game! You could do that with a baby provided there is a trusted person there to watch the baby and feed them or change their nappy if necessary.

A three year old should not be in a pushchair at all unless you are actually going somewhere and it's too far for their little legs to walk all the way.

Your husband needs to understand that his daughter is more important than his silly basketball game, and actually do something with her. If he wants to play a ball game he can play one with her.

Parenting 101:

1. A responsible adult needs to be looking after your baby at all times.
2. If one of the baby's parents is at work then the baby needs to be looked after by his or her other parent, or failing that, by another trusted person.
3. If one of the baby's parents is at work and there is no other trusted person available to look after them, the baby's other parent must look after the baby and is not free to play basketball.

Be careful OP, he may say he won't go to the game, but I bet he will sneak off and go. Hoping you won't find out. 'What she doesn't know doesn't hurt her'. Be ready for 'they needed me, they asked me to be there, they were in trouble' etc excuses if you find out. I bet he still goes.

it’s probably me, but…

No, please do not do this! Women shouldn't have to debase or reduce ourselves or make ourselves out to be neurotic in order to massage a man's ego.

Who epse will be at thr game? Is it just the players or will yhere be oyher spectators? Kids do get brought into gym classes whilst their parents train but that’s a very small class. Not the same as a stadium full of strangers

My DH plays in a local league and some times the players bring their kids and they sit on the team bench on an iPad during the match and others the kids all get together and play together. It's lovely seeing them grow up around sport, hearing my DS tell other kids number 86 is my dad. Learning that life doesn't revolve around them. A blanket no is wrong let him judge it. And we have had many things happen during games with kids, their ball has rolled into the playing court, the game has been stopped to allow them to pass safely, players subbed to take kids to the toilet. Everyone is really understanding.

I suspect its not the first time he will have done this, but the first time you have found out.

Your dd is too young to be strapped in a buggy. Random people do not want to take other people's kids to the toilet.

It's the sort of thing my ex dh would do and be utterly clueless why it's an issue.

You are working and he is in charge of childcare. Therefore he cannot do his hobby. That's it really.

He could take his dd to the park and play ball though. That's what I would do.

After ten minutes of being strapped in the pushchair the kid is going to start thrashing around and trying to get out and when she spots Daddy she is going to be hollering, 'Daddy! DADDY!' at the top of her lungs.

She might even be able to escape from the pushchair and then run in front of man on the court and get knocked over or simply just disrupt the game.

Absolutely awful for the child to be expected to sit in a pushchair for the duration of the game and is he planning on wheeling her into the men's changing rooms whilst they undress and lark about?

I would have thought his team mates would be annoyed.

A day off work to accommodate his hobby? OP has bills to pay. Does he take off work for her interests? He can organise proper childcare. Being a man doesn't stop him doing that.

Obviously he can't watch her whilst playing basketball. What an idiot 🤦🏽‍♀️
Also, what 3 year old would be fine to be trapped in a pushchair for nearly an hour? Mine hasn't even used a pushchair for nearly a year. 3 year olds need to be out walking, exploring, being entertained!
I will say though, obviously this game wasn't a surprise. So did you not both sit down and talk about who'd be looking after your child? Were you unable to book the day off work? Could you not arrange proper childcare?

I understand you’re trying to help OP achieve a peaceful outcome but for too long women have been told to apologise for asserting themselves and for having an opinion.

You said:

”Unfortunately, the only way to get past that sometimes is to do a bit of ego massaging: ‘of course I didn’t mean to imply… you’re a wonderful father… it’s probably me, but…’”

OP should absolutely NOT be suggesting that it’s her fault or apologising for what she inferred.

He has been incredibly selfish in this instance because he wants to play basketball.

He’s suggesting he plays basketball but also watches his 3-yr-old daughter. That’s just ridiculous.

Even ignoring the safety aspect, if he’s running off the court every five minutes his team mates will be pretty pissed off. A three-year-old is unlikely to want to sit in a pushchair for long, and there’s a good chance she’ll be wriggling and trying to get out, crying, shouting, etc. And what about if she needs the toilet - how’s he going to know if he’s on court?! And then what, he’s going to take her? That’s going to be at least 10 minutes minimum off the court.

He hasn’t thought about this, and he hasn’t thought about the child.

And he certainly hasn’t thought about fellow spectators who are going to end up trying to deal with a frustrated little girl, when they only went there to watch the game!

It’s selfish in the extreme.

If there are other parents/partners there watching the game who you can ask in advance to watch the child, then absolutely fine.

But there’s no way he’s going to be able to watch his daughter AND play basketball. What happens when play is down the opposite end of the court?! He’s been selfish and thoughtless.

And then even worse, he’s being shitty to OP because she’s had the audacity to point out this is unworkable.

Sometimes things are 50/50 but in this occasion he’s been a dick. Fine if he can sort out someone to watch DD while he plays, but if not, he can’t play.

OP shouldn’t be “massaging his ego” nor insinuating that she’s wrong. He needs to understand that sometimes it’s shit but the child’s needs have to come first.

If any of my friends and I saw a 3 year old strapped in a stroller alone with no adult watching them at a sport event, we'd be involving security.

As a father, he has a duty of care to his child. A reasonable person would not do this. It would be negligent parenting.

It’s the right call but of course he’s going to be disappointed, that’s normal.

Probably less dangerous than on a riverbank without appropriate parental supervision. Nothing wrong with taking her to the game per se but she needs someone to watch her. And she might get bored after five minutes and need to run around outside or cry or run onto the court to be with her dad. It's not fair on the other spectators and ridiculously unfair on his daughter and wife, who is just wanting to go to work without worrying about what this feckless idiot is going to do with their daughter.

I am actually really surprised at the negative reactions on here. I think taking her along is goood role modelling and she will likely be entertained by the game and learn a lot.

it is more interesting than all day on a riverbank watching fish not get caught.

Indeed. Sounds like he has taken several basketballs to the head if you ask me as he clearly isn't thinking right.

What a fucking idiot he is.

Are you kidding? 3yos can run anywhere. Mine would. All of them at that age.

I disagree with most opinions on here. She can sit at edge of court in buggy or toddle about.

kids have always been toted about with parents doing stuff that doesn’t directly involve them. It is life.

it is great your husband has active life and willing to take the babe with him.

if you disagree could you get a friend to watch her?

I think it actually is the only opinion and also the legal view. I think as a society we universally expect 3 yos to be supervised by a capable adult or teen in public spaces. He wouldn’t be supervising.

I would be amazed if this behaviour by the husband is not symptomatic of more selfishness. The fact that his 3 year olds safety is playing second fiddle to his desire to play a game, and let's not forget the context - the OP is working - does she need the stress of what will happen to her child when she is not there because she is at work? It just boggles my mind, to be candid.

Personally, I do not hold the view that men with this level of selfishness are not also leaking out their selfishness in other ways in a relationship or marriage. I find the husband's reaction to be extremely telling; we need to stop pandering to these men and their moods when they are pulled up on their incredibly poor behaviour. I used to make excuses but I don't anymore.

And it’s a completely fine opinion. I’m not sure that it is the only opinion or necessarily the right opinion (though he will actually be there…).

I’ve no issue with your opinion. My issue is your furious certainty that says that if someone doesn’t agree with me they must be a useless article worthy of mine and everyone’s scorn and fury. I’ve always thought that living in such certainty must make our complex and varied world a dreadfully lonely place to exist.