Found more messages - feeling completely broken (again)

It really doesn’t matter if he sees the light after you leave. You don’t leave to make him a better person. You leave because you have one life and spending it with a serial cheater is a waste and bad for your kids.

Forget about him. Concentrate on making your best life.

An old pal continuously took back a lying cheater for TEN years... She really regrets it now...

He took her forgiveness as a green ligjt for next affair.

He always said he'd learnt and it wouldn't happen again.

There were at least eight other women.

She only dumped him when child was 8-she was hugely damaged by it.

He eventually shagged her close pal... Vile behavior and then she finally dumped him.

Fortunately, going through a breakup now won't have any negative impact on your 19mth old. Co-parenting might, but you cannot stay in this marriage. It will be much healthier for you and your children to not have this lying, cheating man in your home.

It’s never just messages. Messages are what you found. There will be other chats, other apps, other secrets you haven’t discovered because he’s hidden it better. You will have found the tip of the ice burg only. Cheating is addictive and whatever you think you know is not the full picture.

He will grind you down overtime and treat you like a doormat.
Get out of it now Mumsnet is littered with threads where no good comes of staying for the kids because it's no life for them and it certainly isn't for you.

Personally, I'd get rid. He's the one that's broken up your family, not you. Sending hugs - I appreciate you must be feeling very vulnerable right now. The cycle will only continue if you let it. You can make a life for yourself and your DC - it'll be hard at times, no doubt, but better that than a lifetime of wondering what he's doing.

I have not been in this position.

I do not know what I would do.

However, I think Rosie8880

Has good advice... "Not been through this but your post popped up. I’m so sorry. From a purely financial POV I’d hold your nerve and get legal advice on your home and finances so he has no idea that you are researching your position. If you are able and have space you could use pregnancy as an excuse and that you need to sleep alone atm. This will give you space to think and also not have to sleep next to him."

Lots of practical things.

Are you married?

Do you own or rent?

Please do not do anything in a hurry regarding your pregnancy, if you want the baby go ahead but make sure your partner will be supporting both children.

Good luck.

Don't waste anymore years of your life hoping your husband will change. I wasted 4 years and I was convinced I had at last saved our marriage.
She would say there was no contact then I would find photographs and messages. This went on and on.
The final straw was her arranging a school trip and organising it so he was one of the staff and they could spend time together.
The constant lack of trust will destroy you if you don't escape

For your children’s sake leave him now ! He doesn’t love you or have any respect for you

Sorry you are going through this again but he obviously doesn’t care about you or his family and he’s not going to change if you stay you will be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust and if it was your dd you would be the first to say get out. You are not breaking up the family he is but seriously don’t put up with someone who thinks so little of you. Good luck op.

I 'forgave' a cheating partner, his was more than just messaging though, because I wanted to 'fix' the relationship. My forgiveness, just made me appear weak in his eyes, and he took it as a green light, to chest again, and then again. There got to a point when I had to accept I couldn't 'fix' the relationship because there wasn't one to fix! I had to accept that he didn't love me, he had zero respect for me and he didn't give two craps about my feelings. It was then, I decided enough was enough, and left. We weren't married, there were no joint finances and the house was his only - I left with my clothes and a few boxes of belongings. Your partner, like my ex, has seen the fact you want to fix the relationship, as a green light to carry on as before, because there were no real consequences. Honestly, if you stay in the relationship, this will be your life - and eventually, the messages will lead to physical cheating. It won't stay at just messages, and you will have to deal with the fall out from that too. You don't deserve to be treated in this way. Your family unit falling apart, is not your fault. It is your partner's.

@Aud1988

OP, please screenshot the messages so he can not deny, and delete your browsing history. As a previous post suggests, take him the cleaners. I hope you have family and friends support to help you with your children. I can't imagine what this would do to your sense of trust in the future.

Only one comment..... none of this is your fault xx

I don’t think it has anything to do with you. There’s something fundamentally wrong with him. It might be issues from his childhood, or a feeling of never having enough or a dozen other reasons, but nothing will ever be enough for him. It wouldn’t matter who you were or what you were offering him; he would still feel that need to fuck it up.

He’s taken your marriage and screwed it up into a ball. It won’t seem like it now, but the biggest favour you could possibly do for yourself is to let that screwed up ball go. If you don’t, you will be condemning yourself to a life of pain and hurt and mistrust and, when you finally reach your limit and feel sick at the sight of him, you will be angry at yourself for wasting time you could have been rebuilding your life. Leave him now and I promise you that you will eventually feel nothing when you look at him.

You will never be able to trust him.

Are you planning on keeping the recent pregnancy?

I did solo parenting from when my kids were 9 months and 2 and the youngest it turned out had significant special needs which made it REALLY hard.

If he is that selfish and disloyal you may get no support. If I had had any choice I would not have put myself in that situation but staying was not something I could have done (for other reasons not infidelity but still).

Hi OP
Sorry you are going through this. I’ve no practical advice but from the point of view of the children, i left my ex when my child was 2. He doesn’t remember life before this and so hasn’t known any different, he is 10 nearly
now but when we speak about when he was younger he remembers living in our apartment we rented after we left but thats all. So don’t feel too bad about the children, they are young enough they won’t remember. Be kind to yourself, none of this is your doing.

I would consider a termination and separate if I were in your shoes. He won’t change.

Are you married? If not hopefully you can be independent of him financially through your job/housing situation. People like him don’t change, it’s unfortunate you trusted him after the first time but lots of us have been there. You’re in fool territory if you stay this time though.

Growing up with a father who is so disrespectful of their mother and a mother who is understandably unable to trust their father is worse for your children than growing up with parents who have divorced, especially when they're so young. He can't or won't control himself, even after being caught once. He didn't take it seriously. I'd say the writing is on the wall. I think I'd loathe him too much to stay with him.

I’m not a frequent poster but I have some experience here. I went through this early in my relationship up until after my first DD was born. She’s ten now.
It was really tough and our relationship has not been easy, but we did get through. I don’t want to defend your partner at all, he’s an utter twat and deserves to be dumped.

I stuck it out through love, fear, low self esteem and feeling trapped.

Over the years I’ve improved my self worth, built confidence and built the belief that I can go it alone. Over time my partner matured, dealt with his own insecurity and realised that I was ready to go it alone if he didn’t step up.

And we’re here, still together and pretty happy (with the help of an amazing therapist). We’ve rebuilt trust and gained respect for each other. It’s by no means the fairytale.

I’d recommend doing a deep dive into what’s behind his behaviour, while getting your ducks in a row and keeping one eye on the door.

It doesn’t sound like its practical to walk away right now, but you could focus on yourself, improve your self esteem and be as selfish as you like until you get yourself ready to go. It’s possible he will see what’s happening and also do some work on himself.

Each time you forgive them and believe the lies they tell you that they will never cheat again, they despise you just that little bit more and want to cheat all the more.

A cheating partner doesn't mean that he can't be a good father to your children though if you split up.

I stayed after he crossed a massive line but didn’t actually have an “affair”. It is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done and he has spent every day since showing me how much he regrets the choices he made ( it was not a mistake and I have never countenanced any such shite)
If I found out he was doing it again? My foot would be so far up his arse, he’d be tasting my pedicure.
Fuck that op. I obviously agree with second chances, but they are a one time deal only.
If you haven’t had solo therapy, I highly recommend it. Mine helped me to recognise that what he did was absolutely nothing to do with me. His choice, his decision, and he’s a grown up. His fuck ups are his alone. You should feel no shame, no guilt and no responsibility. I don’t because I did nothing wrong.
You gave him a second chance and he fucked it up. Boo hoo for him. He’s out.

You need to leave. He's lied to you after gaining your trust.

Depending on how far your pregnancy is, I would unfortunately consider a termination.