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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ds won't talk to me

36 replies

Almost18 · 11/04/2025 19:45

My DS is almost 18 and we've had a huge falling out and I really need some advice on how to deal with it.

We have been through a lot over the past few years. When DS was 10 I had a breakdown and I was in hospital for 3 years. Their dad looked after them in my house but I came home on the weekends and they stayed with me then. It built up from just having them Saturday and Sunday to having them Thursday evening until Tuesday morning. But it was obviously a very difficult time for my DS and his younger sister.

The other thing was when I was on an acute ward it was a mixed ward of men and women and I started a relationship with one of the men. He was very persistent and after a while I saw him as essential to protect me from the sexual abuse from the other men. I was very unwell and became very attached to him. By the time I was moved to a women's hospital he was out of hospital and Children's services were very keen for him to be involved with looking after my DC and I think their dad saw it as a break for him. This all horrifies me now but I was so unwell at the time I wasn't able to make the best decisions for my DC. After I left hospital our relationship continued. It was a DV relationship. This was obviously also very difficult for my DC. I should have ended the relationship sooner.

In December my DS tried to take his own life. Luckily I got him to hospital and all was ok. (I finally made the break with my ex partner at this point.) We became closer and I made sure to spend more time with him and he started seeing a keyworker from CAMHS. He wanted someone to talk to and fully engaged. He told the keyworker that he was happy at home and felt close to me and his sister.

In March, he started isolating and I found out that he was trying a number of street drugs. He then tried to take his life again and I called an ambulance. He did not want me to and kept telling me to cancel it. He ended up going to hospital but not staying and going to his best friend's house. He messaged me saying he would never forgive me, he hated me and was so glad he was 18 soon and could leave home and never see me again. He didn't want to come home and his CAMHS keyworker asked me if there was any family he could go to. I asked my brother if he could stay with them for the Easter holidays which they agreed to. So after a few days at his friend's he went to them (a 2.5hr drive away).

I've not seen him for a week and a half. No contact as he has blocked me so I can't message him and he's not wanted to talk to me on the phone. Today we came to my brothers for a birthday celebration. We are staying for the weekend in a hotel nearby. I was so excited to see him, but he didn't want to know. As he wouldn't talk to me I just wrote him a little note saying how lovely it was to see him and how much I'd missed him. I acknowledged how hard things had been for him and how sorry I was about that and told him how much I loved him. We stayed for a couple of hours then came to our hotel. He sent a message to his sister asking her to tell me to leave him alone, he doesn't want to be near me, he doesn't want to be in the same room as me, he doesn't even want to be in the same house as me.

I'm completely devastated. It is his 18th next weekend and I'm desperate for things to be better. He will have to come home then anyway. I just don't know what to do. My brother has tried to speak to him but doesn't really get anything out of him. If anting can give me any advice I'd really appreciate it. I've certainly not been the worlds best mum but I love him so much.

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 11/04/2025 20:52

Trying to be gentle here, but your DS is in crisis, he HAS to focus on himself. He has no energy or headspace to rebuild the relationship with you no matter how desperately you want to do that. Similar to how you were in hospital because you were in crisis and had no energy or headspace to care for them as DC and maintain that mother-child relationship. You needed the time and space to focus only on yourself and you.

Your DS needs that now. In your shoes I would be looking at inpatient options for him with the professionals. There is a genetic component to many serious mental health disorders and often what worked for the parent will work for the child.

If he has to come home, you need to make it as low pressure as possible. None of this I love you, please forgive me, we are good right?, I so want to be a mum you can confide in, etc. It is a massive pressure on a person to push them along processing trauma and anger from a 3yr period where you disappeared, the fact it wasn’t your fault only adds to this because it’s then anger + guilt at feeling angry. To push him now when he is already in crisis is making him worse. Him asking you to stay away, not bother him is a defensive, survival mechanism. He needs help, but you are not the right person for it at all.

When he is stable and strong, that is the time to broach rebuilding the relationship.

Original poster
Almost18 · 11/04/2025 20:46

arcticpandas · 11/04/2025 20:30

I think it will take time before he can trust you again. What you should recognise is that him having strong negative feelings towards you is because it's a mix of love, resentment, sadness, anger all built in. He needs to be in a better place before he can forgive you and trust you again. So arm yourself with patience, be sure to be at hand but never be intrusive. Respect his boundaries. It's vital that he goes to therapy. His childhood has been chaotic so it's normal for him to have mental health problems. Right now you are not the person to help him, you can just help him get help.

Show quote history

I am hoping he will be able to build a good relationship with his new keyworker.

You are right I need patience. My natural instinct is to just want to fix everything right now, but I know that's not possible.

How do I live in the same house as him and have no communication. I'm just confused how to make it work. Would he be better off going into supported accommodation? I really don't know. He's not emotionally/socially mature and I worry it would not be the best thing for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Almost18 · 11/04/2025 20:41

Tinyrabbit · 11/04/2025 20:28

"He is so vulnerable and needs me now more than ever".
Sorry to be brutal, but he doesn't need you - he needs professional help to process his trauma, deal with the past, and move forward into what hopefully will be a happy and fulfilled life. For the moment, it would probably be best to respect his wish not to see you, but try to help in the background if that's possible.
You've obviously had a terrible time of it too and did the best you could at the time. Be patient and wait for him to return when he's in a better place.

He is getting professional help. But seeing someone for an hour once a week is really not enough. I think he needs a parent more than ever and unfortunately that is me. And that is what the professionals are saying too.

The thing is how can I respect his wish not to see me when next week he will have to come home? His key worker has given him the option to apply for supported accommodation but he's not wanted to do that (yet, at least.)

I'm trying to think of all options, even his dad moving back into my house. I could maybe stay with my brother for a week. But eventually I will have to come home to look after his sister.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 11/04/2025 20:30

Almost18 · 11/04/2025 20:19

Yes, I know but I guess I don't think I deserve gentle. I've unfortunately screwed everything up. It just feels so unfair when what could I do but call an ambulance? I think all his anger has come out against me, probably that he buried for years. He is so vulnerable and needs me now more than ever, but he won't let me support him.

Show quote history

I think it will take time before he can trust you again. What you should recognise is that him having strong negative feelings towards you is because it's a mix of love, resentment, sadness, anger all built in. He needs to be in a better place before he can forgive you and trust you again. So arm yourself with patience, be sure to be at hand but never be intrusive. Respect his boundaries. It's vital that he goes to therapy. His childhood has been chaotic so it's normal for him to have mental health problems. Right now you are not the person to help him, you can just help him get help.

Tinyrabbit · 11/04/2025 20:28

"He is so vulnerable and needs me now more than ever".
Sorry to be brutal, but he doesn't need you - he needs professional help to process his trauma, deal with the past, and move forward into what hopefully will be a happy and fulfilled life. For the moment, it would probably be best to respect his wish not to see you, but try to help in the background if that's possible.
You've obviously had a terrible time of it too and did the best you could at the time. Be patient and wait for him to return when he's in a better place.

Original poster
Almost18 · 11/04/2025 20:25

Tiswa · 11/04/2025 20:13

All you can do is respect his decision for now - what is his relationship with his Dad like?

is yiur daughter with you

His relationship with his dad is ok. But his dad has had severe mental health problems (a big part of why I had a breakdown.) I have been the one bringing him and his DS up, even when I was in hospital I was organising everything. I would love it if his dad could step up now and he could live with him for a while, but unfortunately his dad will not have him to stay as he lives with his mother who has nothing to do with the DC besides sending them a card on their birthdays and Christmas. I have said for years to their dad if they can't come over to his because of his mother he needs to find somewhere else to live but it falls on deaf ears. Yes, my DD is with me. She is 13 and really misses her brother and is very confused about what is happening. We've always been close, the 3 of us and spent lots of time together until recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Almost18 · 11/04/2025 20:19

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 11/04/2025 20:10

I don't think AIBU is the gentlest place you could have posted this.

You've had your battles and you've done the best you could while facing them.

He has suffered as a result though and it has impacted his whole childhood. That is something he won't get over unfortunately.

All you can do is try and forge a relationship, on his terms, as adults. He is hurting, probably realising a lot from a more adult perspective, and lashing out.

You can't get the past back and change it, but you can hopefully have a future relationship.

All you can do is respect his boundries but leave the lines of communication open.

Yes, I know but I guess I don't think I deserve gentle. I've unfortunately screwed everything up. It just feels so unfair when what could I do but call an ambulance? I think all his anger has come out against me, probably that he buried for years. He is so vulnerable and needs me now more than ever, but he won't let me support him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Almost18 · 11/04/2025 20:16

CillaDog · 11/04/2025 19:53

No patience except respect his space, but make sure to keep safeguarding him as best you can.

Make sure the people around him know that he’s at risk for self harm, suicide attempts and using illegal substances.

In terms of the relationship he will probably need time and therapy to deal with his feelings towards you.

Thank you. I do wonder if him being angry about the ambulance has brought all his anger out. He has every right to be angry towards me. But I'd do anything to make it right. Sadly, as soon as he turns 18 he will not be able to see his keyworker anymore who he has a really good relationship with. He has been referred to an 18-25 service and his keyworker is going to do a virtual handover next week.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 11/04/2025 20:13

All you can do is respect his decision for now - what is his relationship with his Dad like?

is yiur daughter with you

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 11/04/2025 20:10

I don't think AIBU is the gentlest place you could have posted this.

You've had your battles and you've done the best you could while facing them.

He has suffered as a result though and it has impacted his whole childhood. That is something he won't get over unfortunately.

All you can do is try and forge a relationship, on his terms, as adults. He is hurting, probably realising a lot from a more adult perspective, and lashing out.

You can't get the past back and change it, but you can hopefully have a future relationship.

All you can do is respect his boundries but leave the lines of communication open.

CillaDog · 11/04/2025 19:53

No patience except respect his space, but make sure to keep safeguarding him as best you can.

Make sure the people around him know that he’s at risk for self harm, suicide attempts and using illegal substances.

In terms of the relationship he will probably need time and therapy to deal with his feelings towards you.