To not want to live with DP

Why does he have his kids on opposite days? Do they not get along! Seems like a weird setup. If they are full siblings they are never spending any time together?

Anyway, that aside. “no, I don’t think it will be in everyone’s best interests to blend families”. How old are they? If they are teens, it’s only a few more years.

Does he have a house big enough to give his kids their own rooms as well as your son? I’d be saying that your son is comfortable at home and you’re happy to just spend time together and stay over but for kids to have their own space. It wouldn’t be a lie as most children would rather have their own house and room. It’s ok you sharing with your partner because you’re in a relationship but kids lose the ability to just be themselves, to not feel that they have to be on their best behaviour. I would have hated to be put in a house with a load of other people that aren’t my family and in your son’s situation, I’d be spending as much time with dad as possible, to avoid it.

not only is it completely reasonable; but if you feel that way I think it’s really really important you don’t move in with him.

Yanbu. I love my teens but they can be hard work. Id keep your own space.

You aren't being unreasonable in the slightest. I wouldn't want to live with someone else's kids full time, no matter who they are. Tbh though, I wouldn't want them part time either. I'd have no permanent live-in relationship until they were all independent. Really don't want to live with other people's children.

OT but so sad that his kids NEVER see each other - what a horrible set up.

especially when part of the time it would be just me and them at home, not DP (he'd be at work).

He doesn't want to sort out or pay for child care then. And I bet he will expect you to feed and clean up after them even if he does it now (because he has to). If he thinks it's a dealbreaker if you don't blend then it's because he's looking for a nanny and not a partner and as MN says - you've dodged a bullet.

Don't blend. Ever.

I think a lot more families are thinking like you, often for the children's sake. I would argue you're not being selfish at all, you are probably arguing for what 4/5 of your collective families would prefer. No need to apologise for that or defend it.

YANBU

I would not agree to this arrangement as it could cause all kinds of problems.

Tell him you are very happy with the relationship as it is, it works for you. If he finishes with you, you know for sure he just wanted an unpaid nanny.

You would be out of your mind to move in with him.
Nothing in a move for you or your children just stress, work, womens work that you would inevitably get caught for.

Tell him that your time with your children is limited and precious and its best if you remain separate.

No doubt he'd love a woman to share his load.
Let him off.

There would be a huge increase in everything from costs to housework and a lack of alone time. To go from a family of 2 in a home to 5 makes a huge difference. There is no peace. How likely is it you would be doing more of the work here?

Three teens blending? 😂Your kid would have two other teens in their face and in their space all the time.

No, I would not even consider it. Possibly when all the kids are out on their own and on stable situations.

If he takes a no as you not liking his kids, he'd be unreasonable. You can like his kids but want to keep your lifestyle of not having teens in your home 24/7. Just tell him you like your lifestyle as it is.

Read some of the threads on the step parenting board OP, you won’t think twice about your decision not to move in together.

There are many posts from women who deeply regret it, once you move in together it’s not that easy to change your mind and get them to leave either!

I think you are being sensible keeping your own space, I bet you’d regret it quickly.

There is lots of incentive for your DP to move in together but I think it’d be a negative decision for you. If things are working as they are then what’s the point in changing it and taking a huge risk?

Reading the other thread where the OP is stuck with her step-kids all day whilst her DH leaves the house, I’d say you are 100% right.

No matter how I phrase it to DP I know he's going to take it as me not liking his kids

Well that would be completely unreasonable and should make you doubt his motives.

You wanting to keep childfree time in your week is very reasonable.

Is he often one for taking things personally and being unnecessarily defensive?

Agree YANBU. It’s not just never being child free any longer for any periods but the amount of housework, grocery shopping, meal preparation etc. that would increase also and if I’ve learnt anything as a single person from MN it’s that the automatic assumption is this is woman’s work and not to step up could derail the entire relationship!

It's a 'no' from me.
Don't combine your houses/families.

Your DT would always be with a SSib or with both. You personally would never have child-free time.

Also, don't give up your own property, however you hold it, to combine with his. If you're on MN you'll know why. If not, read a few threads.

As I read it, you have your DT pretty much full time with the alternate weekend off and he has his DTs full time, in succession and in combination, plus in the holidays. It sounds like he never has child-free time which means that if you lived with him, you'd always have at least one of his DTs to consider. I realise many of them are v. independent but they still have to be considered.

Tell him that most teens are happier not having to suddenly live together as step siblings, that it's best you all remain as you are until they've all moved on (or never).

So now that he has them full time, it suddenly seems like a great idea that you move in (to be an unpaid nanny)? Not a chance!

Best be honest and say it would work better living separately until his kids are older.You can like his kids without wanting the responsibility of parenting them

Absolutely this!

Just tell him you're happy as you are for now.

My MIL has been in a relationship with her partner of nearly 40 years and they’ve never lived together. Even when my husband moved out in his late teens she was happy with her own space.

They go on holiday together and have joined us on holidays .Christmas etc they spend together. My husband has always got on well with him. They both happy with their own space to go back to!

Sorry, DP, I like my child-free time which I work hard for. I move forward in time, not backwards as you will you one day.

Noooo why would you possibly want to live with someone else’s children full time when let’s face it as “step mum” you’d being doing all the grunt work.

No flaming from me. Sounds perfectly sensible. If they're all teens then it's not too long until you can move in together anyway.