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Original poster

TW? This wasn't right was it? Parents and sex.

137 replies

BunsenBurnerAccount · 11/04/2025 10:27

I dont know if this needs a TW so here is one anyway.

Name change.

Sorry it's long. I've never listed it like this and I just kept remembering more things.

TLDR: As a child, I often walked in on my parents having sex and they would also act inappropriately around me. How do I get over this without counselling?

This has always bothered me and I'm pretty sure it has led to some of my weird hang ups/prudishness about sex. It's not right is it? Or was it just unfortunate, with a few inappropriate jokes?

I don't want counselling for various reasons so any suggestions on how to get over this, even if it is just me being overly sensitive would be much appreciated.

My parents were very open about their physical sex life and were not discreet even when 4 kids were in the house. My mum was all "this is my house, I'll do what I like" and my dad just thought we needed to grow up and how did we think they had 4 kids. I don't know if my siblings are the same as me but I'm guessing so.

I remember walking in on them having sex a lot. We weren't allowed in their room so they had privacy there but they would still have sex in the living room and kitchen even knowing we were home. I even walked in on them on the stairs. They'd stop, my dad would swear at me and they'd both give me a filthy look and sulk with me for ages afterwards.

We shared a cabin on a ferry. We weren't allowed to go explore by ourselves so we had to wait for them while "they had a shower". They were having sex in the shower. We'd only left the house that morning. I needed the toilet so went in and I could hear them still doing something behind the curtain while I was having a wee.

We were camping and the "bedrooms" were separated by a bit of fabric. My Dad was making very graphic comments to my mum and more. The next morning my Dad asked whether we'd learned anything about the birds and the bees last night.

We were unpacking in a caravan and I went into their room (open door). My dad saw me, randomly jumped on all fours and started thrusting. He said "just testing it out for your mother later". I just walked out but heard him say to my mum "she won't even understand and we don't need to worry about that when she looks like that do we?".

We had 2 cats and they'd both make comments when the "pussys were being licked". My dad once said "it's a shame we dont have more pussies". My sister asked if we could get more and my Dad said "yes please" and my mum said she'd think about it. Lots of comments about looking at pussies when we (the kids) went away on various camps. When we got home my sister asked whether they'd got any more cats and they both laughed and said that they had very much enjoyed stroking and looking at all the pussies but that we weren't getting any more cats. I remember my sister being heartbroken.

They used to get the bedsheets messy (I don't know how) and my mum would make sure we all knew they were being washed because of "nooky".

They had very, very loud sex. They'd also then have a shower together afterwards and be very loud in there. I was regularly woken up.

I was woken up by my dad shouting at my brother (who used to try to get into their bed) that he was "trying to give your mother a seeing to so get lost".

My dad worked away sometimes and mum had some friends around. One of them bought her a vibrator and my mum started rubbing it on herself to lots of squarks and lewd comments. That would be ok if that's your sort of thing but the room had me and other children all watching. One of them asked what it was and their mother said something like "your dad can show you later". WTF?! All the adults found it hilarious.

And so on and so on...

I've reread this and although a lot of these examples are my dad doing something, my mum was no victim and would also join in.

To make it clear, they never tried to involve me and never made any sexual comments or acts involving me. I never felt unsafe, just really grossed out and embarrassed and upset. I have no reason to think they did with my siblings either. It was more about them being indiscreet and having sex banter in front of us.

Obviously they'd deny all this. No doubt I've misremembered some of this but there is enough "truth" to get an idea of the sort of things.

OP posts:
IridescentRainbow · 11/04/2025 13:46

I regard what they did as child sexual abuse. Even if they didn’t physically involve you, they were getting some sort of sexual kick out of having you witness this.

OnaMatUpHere · 11/04/2025 13:40

BunsenBurnerAccount · 11/04/2025 13:32

To the person who asked why it was problem if they were showing sex as positive thing.

So Ive had a think. When I walked out of my bedroom and saw them on the stairs, their reaction made me feel embarrassed, ashamed of myself and I like I did something wrong. My dad swore at me, not "oh shit, we need to stop" but "Ffs Bunsen" and neither of them spoke to me for ages after. It was like it was my fault and I'd been bad.

So I guess sex = me being naughty. Maybe?

Then when I could hear them, I knew it was a grown up thing they were doing and not for me so it felt bad listening (even though I couldn't help it).

When I got older and started to understand more and "get" their innuendos it just felt really dirty and gross. The thing in the caravan was horrible and then his comments after were really upsetting.

If they had people round while us children were away, that was their business but we didn't need to know. Similarly, why would I need to know they had sex in my bed or that my mum likes having her ears nibbled?

So on the one hand, yes they were apparently having great sex and enjoying themselves but it made negative links for me.

I've just remembered that when we all went away once, one of their friends house sat. He left piles of condoms (all in their packets as far as I know!) all over the house. My Dad in particular was disgusted.

The person who asked this is not seeing things clearly. Yes it's good to think of sex as a positive thing and if you had seen your parents being affectionate in an appropriate way in front of you that would have been fine. But it is NEVER ok to have sex in front of a child, completely inappropriate. Children should not be exposed to sexual things before they are ready, it is very damaging and is listed as a form of sexual abuse. It's completely understandable that you feel traumatised, you don't have to justify feeling that way

Itwasachristmasjoke · 11/04/2025 13:38

Op i have had similar experiences, not so much the inappropriate talk but lots of loud sex and doing things with me and my brother in the room when they thought we were sleeping but continuing when they knew we had woken up! It was horrible and I've only realised just how selfish it was of them since having my own children, I'd never even be thinking about sex with them in the room x

wfhwfh · 11/04/2025 13:37

You have been so brave posting on here, OP. What you experienced was so so wrong.

I don’t know what your relationship with your siblings is like but - if you are close with any of them - I wonder if it would help to speak to them? You needn’t go into detail - maybe just something like “I’ve been thinking about certain things our parents said and did when we were young that I now realise were really inappropriate and abusive. I’m taking a step back from them to protect myself”. I think childhood memories can be really confusing to process and we can sometimes almost gaslight ourselves into believing things didn’t happen and I just wondered if you and your siblings might be a mutual support. But only if it would help you.

You don’t say if you have children or nephews/nieces but - needless to say - I would be protecting them from ANY contact with either of your parents (even supervised - it only takes a few seconds for them to say something that could shatter a child’s innocence).

I hope this thread helps you, OP. You’ve been so brave posting on here and you did nothing to deserve any of this.

churrios · 11/04/2025 13:36

So sorry for what you went through OP. I agree a therapist or counsellor would be beneficial even though you find this difficult to say out loud. I would recommend getting in touch with https://napac.org.uk charity which helps adult survivors of childhood abuse, I’m confident that there will be no victim shaming here and they may be able to put you in touch with a local specialist charity for counselling.

NAPAC

NAPAC is the UK’s only dedicated national support service for adult survivors of all forms of childhood abuse. Our mission is to provide specialist, confidential support that empowers survivors to…

https://napac.org.uk

StScholastica · 11/04/2025 13:35

Oh Love, this is just awful.
What does your relationship with them look like now? Are you and your siblings distant from them or do they want to play happy families?

I wonder if your siblings are also hurting and if you could comfort each other? But I grew up in a home where my father regularly hit my mother and although present my younger sister denies that any of it took place. I think her childhood brain blocked it out.

Original poster
BunsenBurnerAccount · 11/04/2025 13:34

I am so sorry to hear other people's experiences on here. 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
BunsenBurnerAccount · 11/04/2025 13:32

To the person who asked why it was problem if they were showing sex as positive thing.

So Ive had a think. When I walked out of my bedroom and saw them on the stairs, their reaction made me feel embarrassed, ashamed of myself and I like I did something wrong. My dad swore at me, not "oh shit, we need to stop" but "Ffs Bunsen" and neither of them spoke to me for ages after. It was like it was my fault and I'd been bad.

So I guess sex = me being naughty. Maybe?

Then when I could hear them, I knew it was a grown up thing they were doing and not for me so it felt bad listening (even though I couldn't help it).

When I got older and started to understand more and "get" their innuendos it just felt really dirty and gross. The thing in the caravan was horrible and then his comments after were really upsetting.

If they had people round while us children were away, that was their business but we didn't need to know. Similarly, why would I need to know they had sex in my bed or that my mum likes having her ears nibbled?

So on the one hand, yes they were apparently having great sex and enjoying themselves but it made negative links for me.

I've just remembered that when we all went away once, one of their friends house sat. He left piles of condoms (all in their packets as far as I know!) all over the house. My Dad in particular was disgusted.

OP posts:
3amamama · 11/04/2025 13:31

OP that is just awful and it is abuse. I’m so sorry. It goes so so far beyond what might accidentally happen in a family home, it is not even remotely at that level. Just completely unacceptable. Don’t doubt yourself.

BarbaricYawp · 11/04/2025 13:29

Seconding the advice to find a therapist, while appreciating they're a mixed bag.

But, while I know others may disagree, I personally would advise against going to the police, at least until you've worked through things extensively with a therapist and feel optimally resilient. I reported childhood abuse to the police and was left completely traumatised, firstly by the repetitive and detailed questioning techniques they use (which I accept are necessary) and then by the fact that they dropped the investigation without really bothering to do it properly, because of resource constraints. I was very positive about police involvement but ended up really regretting it.

I am sorry for what you went through @BunsenBurnerAccount. Please don't think it wasn't abuse, because it was, and you need and deserve support coming to terms with it.

InSpainTheRain · 11/04/2025 13:29

OP, the way your parents have behaved is in no way normal or acceptable. It's horrific. I know you say you don't want to see a therapist, but I honestly think you need tonsee a specialist for this. Not a general counsellor, but so.eone who can help yiu unpick this and overcome it. So sorry you and your siblings went theough thus, it horrible and abusive.

Heyisforhorses · 11/04/2025 13:26

I'm horrified by what your parents put you through. I'm so sorry you had this growing up and I hope that you get the help you need which can also enable you to go no contact with these people.

Bobbie1976 · 11/04/2025 13:23

Really sorry about this but it reminds me so much of Fred and Rose West and what they subjected their kids too (obviously there was murder involved there too) but that is really horrific for you. No one should have to witness that. Please see a doctor about counselling.

giantpurplepeopleeater3 · 11/04/2025 13:14

This was abusive and actually a crime. I had to skip a lot of the post OP as it was upsetting me but please know YANBU.

Bellshellss · 11/04/2025 13:12

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Bloody hell. What an unhinged comment to make. It’s never, ever okay to be sexually explicit in front of a child. It’s always frightening for a child.

MagicPharmacist · 11/04/2025 13:10

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Seriously wtf? I’ve seen you post like a normal person elsewhere I’m sure??

Rizzla · 11/04/2025 13:10

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Incredibly inappropriate comment to the OP who has experienced child sexual abuse. Reported

RedHelenB · 11/04/2025 13:08

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Pancakeorcrepe · 11/04/2025 13:08

Oh OP, I’m so sorry you have been through this. How awful. Really awful.
And I’m sorry your experiences with therapists have not worked out for you in the past.
Do you have a trusted friend you could talk to? Just the fact you are talking on here will already help you get it off your chest. Bringing it to awareness like you did, will help you process all these feelings.

Anewuser · 11/04/2025 12:57

Have a look at ACEs, adverse childhood experiences. I did a bit of trauma training at school.

BlueTitShark · 11/04/2025 12:53

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 11/04/2025 11:49

I understand your reluctance with therapists and will just point out that where abuse has occurred, where trauma exists, standard forms of therapy are often inappropriate. It might be that you would benefit from a therapist who is qualified in helping patients living with trauma and a background of sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, "counselling" isn't a regulated industry. You would need to do some research to find a counsellor who is appropriately qualified and registered - https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/protecting-the-public/bacp-register would be a good place to start.

Some standard forms of therapy can be triggering or harmful for patients living with genuine trauma, or patients simply won't respond to standard forms (e.g. CBT won't always be helpful).

It's also important, as you've found, to have a therapist with which you have a good rapport and feel safe with, which can be a case of trial & error. I know this can take strength and energy you may not have right now so just take things at a pace you're comfortable with.

Help is out there and you can find it, you will find someone to help you deal with this.

I fully agree there.
Dont go for your standard counsellor. Theyre likely be rubbish at it for the issues you mention.

I am struggling with childhood trauma too @BunsenBurnerAccount and it’s finding a trauma aware counsellor that made the difference. She is also doing EMRD too which is indicated in the case of trauma (and you don’t need to talk as much!!).

Otherwise I’d look at the work of Gabor Mate. I am finding his technique of using imagination to support the ‘you child’ really helpful.
Also the work from David Treleaven on Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness.

TheWisePlumDuck · 11/04/2025 12:49

I'm so so sorry this happened to you op, it is sickening.

It is sexual abuse, even if there was no physical contact.

Mumble12 · 11/04/2025 12:45

That really is awful OP I'm so sorry

TimeForTeaAndG · 11/04/2025 12:43

OP, please do not think of yourself as a prude. You have not had a healthy childhood and your attitudes to sex are shaped by trauma. It's no wonder you don't want to talk out loud about it.

I wish you well in finding a way to overcome this.

takealettermsjones · 11/04/2025 12:41

NilByMuff · 11/04/2025 12:23

Firstly @BunsenBurnerAccount I'm really sorry you experienced this.
None of their behaviour was right or normal or safe.

I can understand the reluctance to try therapy again, but would encourage you to do some research.

I met a couple with several children at a holiday park in the late 90s. They were happy to chat to me, young single mum, whilst our kids played.
From nowhere they bring up sex education. (My child isn't at school yet, most of theirs were I think) They tell me that they actually have shown their children how babies are made by making them watch them fuck on the sofa.

This has haunted me more than 25 years. I was very young and didn't know what I could do or say.
I'm sorry to those children 😔.

Christ almighty.