Things only frequently heard on Mumsnet (lighthearted)

Whaaaa?

I hear people ask why women chose to have kids with a certain man / in a certain situation everyday!

I think the shoes things varies. I have a shoe free house put of preference. I have friends who culturally have always had shoe free homes. I fine workmen / delivery men are happy to put on this cover sock boot things they carry with them.

Guess my age threads always go the same way:

"Guess my age!"

Answers:
Er, 48? but you have great skin
52- I have that same dress!
75?

"I cant believe you're all being so mean!!! I am 47 but all my friends tell me I look 22"

Answers:
You look great, but you do look mid-late 40s
Why do you need our approval so badly?
I look younger than you and I'm 64

"WTF is wrong with you? I DO look 22- strangers literally come up to me in the street every time I leave the house to specifically tell me how I look 22"

posts 3 more photos filtered to fck saying - "this is a better angle"

You forgot that they never raise their voice in their interactions with DH. If it came to that, the marriage would be “ over.”

Poster - I'm struggling to lose weight, eating around 1200-1400 calories a day and tracking every morsel

Mumsnet - why on earth are you gorging yourself with so much food?

I love the style and beauty threads where the OP says she is so jealous of the school run mums who are so tall, beautiful, very MC and so well put together without making any effort THEN about 200 posters rush in to very casually say "you've described me to a T" or "all my friends say I am like this". Self praise is never a recommendation!

I also came on here to mention the posts where the OP is convinced they look 15 years younger than they are.

They post a photo of a woman looking mid forties, wearing clothes women in their mid forties wear, a haircut women in their mid forties tend to have - and are then distraught that many posters guess that they are in their mid forties.

Though I do love the ridiculous age range of guesses. 80% of replies will say mid forties woman looks mid forties, 10% will say she looks 65, and 10% will say she looks 30.

This is my favourite as I can empathise so much

I retired three years ago but keep getting mistaken for a fetus

Those women in their late 40s who seriously think they look 25.

There was a thread a couple of weeks ago and 90 percent of the posters claimed to be extremely attractive either now or when they were younger. None of them posted a photo though.

This is a funny thread!

Everyone is 40, but very very petite, teenytiny really, and looks like 16.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Somebody ‘being an arse’. Have you ever heard that said IRL?

Posters who easily conceived their first at 47 and had a wonderful home birth under the full moon.

Everyone’s child is ‘over the 99th centile’ (no idea what centile my kids are on, they’re in age appropriate clothes so I guess they’re fine)

Husbands who have NEVER glanced at a woman in public, find mildly sexual jokes HIDEOUSLY unfunny and have NEVER watched porn because it’s degrading… apparently 😳

Every child playing up is neurodiverse. Everyone playing up over the age of 30 is perimenopausal. Everyone playing up over the age of 50 has dementia.

Everyone skipped out of the maternity hospital with their 6 hour old baby to do the school run as they ‘just got on with things’

Yes, I saw that! Never heard of it before.

Nailed it 😁😁😁😁😁

Had my hair done and it was £800 more expensive than last time

Neighbours are BILs are always CFs

SIl never works

School gates drama with a mum after a play date

Mum works full time, earning a six figure salary, pays all the bills, cleans the house before she leaves for work, ( where everyone forgets it’s her birthday, even though she’s always contributing to theirs) comes home at 7pm, cooks nutritious meals from scratch, deep cleans the bathroom before bed after cleaning and shopping for her ungrateful in laws! All this on top of having three children with adhd, a good for nothing husband who has been cheating, a dog who bites everyone and poos on the white settee, an incontinent cat, and a neighbour who has noisy sex and parks in front of their house; the poor family is only having four holidays this year, and Mum is worried that her cream dress with a thigh high split might not be suitable for the wedding of her DP’s ex which she doesn’t want to go to, but DP does!
It’s a hard life being a mumsnetter!

There's a lot of riot act reading

Not frequent but the most “only on Mumsnet” thing I’ve read was a recent one - someone saying they were a silicone wedding ring because they’ve got a toddler

‘No good deed goes unpunished’. Not only had I never heard it before, it also nicely sums up the classic MN mean-spiritedness. Love it

Oh and their sons are all 6 foot.

Where are all these 6 foot, highly attractive doctoral/ A star qualified specimens hiding IRL? Because just one of those things is Not Enough to make them genetically a MNer

There is something wrong with you if you a) don't have a cleaner,and b) you can't/don't drive.

As well as being attractive they all have doctorates, and their Dc all get straight 9s and A stars.

There was a hilarious thread where a woman who was 60 insisted that she was mistaken for someone in her 20s! There followed other wild claims. Very entertaining.

She only has one wrinkle, and she's sitting on it.

Where do we begin?

Nobody wears shoes in my house, not even my cleaner.
Nobody uses my toilet but me, not my DH, and certainly not workmen. They have to go to McDonalds.
I hate dogs, and (strongly implied) you should too.
I hate cats that are not kept indoors, because they shit in my garden.
Why did you have children with this man?
Why didn't you just google, rather than asking strangers on the internet?
AIBU not to answer my doorbell?
AIBU that the delivery driver bangs really hard on the door and wakes the baby, instead of ringing the bell?
I loved the lockdowns. (Very much only on MN, I don't know a single person in real life who did.)