Or is he?

You can be struggling without him being there and he can feel a certain way because he’s missing out. The two can live along side each other but it doesn’t need to be a competition of who has the biggest most important feelings.

If he’s missing out on family life is there any chance of a change of job/department so he can have a better home/work life balance.

If you’re struggling can you look at hiring a cleaner/part time nanny/mothers help.

Youre both struggling and somethings got to give. Going at each other about who’s more upset isn’t going to change anything so you both need to stop seeing it as a competition and start coming up with a plan.

As a serious suggestion, would a mobile home help if you have space to put it?

It's harder to look after more children?

Because you are feeling overwhelmed. This is not surprising as you have a lot of children. Obviously, you wouldn’t change that but it does mean you are going to feel tired and overwhelmed. Your DH is in a job that means he misses out hugely on family life. I sympathise with both of you but at the same time these are the choices you have made.

OP, i can't believe how fucking awful some people are being to you. You must be shattered. Can your husband give you a long stretch of rest or even a night away alone next time he's back? Might be worth scheduling time to speak calmly about the situation and agree a plan. If it's an emotional convo you may be going to blame/resentment without realising.

its shit but it will get easier, yabothbu but fair enough, because it’s stressful.
i recommend planning his next time at home more so you get a break and it feels special.
eg book a travel lodge for yourself for one night away alone just for some headspace, go on a nice day out as a family for a change of scene
and keep your eyes on the prize… one day the work will be finished!!!! Could you look at Pinterest to keep that goal in mind and enjoy imagining the spaces?

also, if money isn’t an issue, could you buy a tent or several tents and camp in your garden or locally for a change of scene and headspace? Could you errct a single man tent for yourself and have a mum magazine and a torch in and a coffee flask and leave the kids with a ten min timer once a day so you have had some me time?

I think it's both, plus the ages.
Who on earth buys a house needing complete renovation when they have 4 kids?

How old are they

Ok, the number of dc is something that can’t be changed but the work on the house can. When will you be able to have more than one room? What other help can you get in the meantime? The ideal is to take all the kids and stay with an energetic relative for a few days, if that is possible

The number is children is relevant not because of a ‘right’ to tiredness but rather that you’d be less tired, and life would be simpler.

My dc were at gps yesterday & overnight. Next week they are going to a camp one day. I finished work but it gives me a breather to have days to myself. Of course number of dc impacts this.

I think you’re being unreasonable in that you’re very dismissive of him in this. Being sympathetic to him working away, all the financial pressure of the family and missing out on time with his kids should be normal in a marriage and instead you refer to it as “carrying his crap”.

Both of you are in a shit situation, working away is rubbish, having 4 kids on your own is rubbish.
If you’re both so unhappy at the current situation then it needs to be changed.
Can he work closer to home? Can you work too to bring up any lost income.

I don’t think he’s selfish for voicing that he’s sad he’s missing out on his family. Presumably you wouldn’t want to be away for nights at a time, yet you’re downplaying the same for him.

Duplicate post.

How old are the children?

The number is children is relevant not because of a ‘right’ to tiredness but rather that you’d be less tired, and life would be simpler.

It does sound overwhelming and exhausting. Do you just need to vent to him and have some sympathy, or do you want to make changes?

If you want changes perhaps you could come up with some solutions such as temporary accommodation, or paying someone to get more rooms ready, or a focus on fixing the landscaping when he’s next back, or getting some help in the house, etc.

It’s fine to moan, we all do it and need it, but change won’t come without some action.

Not really it's the work on the house causing the main issues not the amount of children

😆😆😆

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but he snot being unreasonable either. Of course you’re exhausted, you’re doing everything with no support, you don’t get much of an opportunity to really switch off and sit back. How long will the work take on the house?
He’s clearly missing being with you all so when you discuss it with him, he feels like it’s moaning because it’s all he would really like to do.

Is there any family around to help with things?

Not really it's the work on the house causing the main issues not the amount of children

Of course it is, 4 children is double the work of 2 children 😂 not that I'd change a thing but most definitely more exhausting!!

• Interesting how the amount of children is relevant.*

Of course it is!

What was the plan when you decided to have so many children? Was he going to get another job? Hire in help etc?

Obviously it's going to be exhausting looking after four children by yourself and now you're dealing with major renovations.

As another poster said, why choose to have so many children when you know your husband is going to be away so much? I can understand there are times when it must be overwhelming, bit it WAS your choice.

Depends on what you follow.

Presumably you have chosen this life? Probably have a big posh house as the end of it?

Tbf it seems like it was it is, nothing either you have much control over without blowing your lives up. He could have been more sympathetic, but there's nothing he can say or do to make it better seemingly.

How can he not empathize with you living in one room with four children whilst he is away at sea? I'm assuming he has his own room when he's working away.
Poor man. He needs to go to spec savers. He's missing some very obvious family needs when he's home.