To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

I think everyone tends to talk about extreme scenarios of nursery or SAHM-ing. Of course there is a place for nursery or 'industrial childcare' as someone her called it, but there is a huge difference between a 2 year-old going for a a few days or mornings per week, and a 10-week old baby going in more or less full-time. A friend used to work in a nursery and she said that in the baby room there were 10 week old babies. They would be dropped off at 7.30 or 8am and picked up about 5pm or later. That was their life, from 10 weeks old. They knew nothing else. The parents thought it was fine because the babies didn't cry when they were dropped off - but this was because they could barely focus their eyes and where to bewildered for any organised response. Even the staff thought this should be illegal. Maybe it is now? Personally, I think any company that would expect a mum with a 10 week baby to return to work is criminal. It's the very antithesis of feminism - it's inhumane, for mums and babies. Nobody should be put in that position and employers shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.

By the time they can walk and express themselves a bit, it's a different matter because they understand where they are and that it's not forever. Even then, ideally, they don't get much out of nursery until about 2.5 or 3. Before that, it's just a holding facility really. I think people need to be honest and to acknowledge that, in modern society, what may be convenient or financially necessary for parents, is always going at the expense of babies lived, day-to-day experience. People always talk about 'outcomes' on these threads, but actual life is what happens in the interim. The only exception of course, would be extreme poverty or other factors at home, in which case nursery is at lest a safe environment.

Where it really is a different world is Dubai, regardless of whether you work or not, have children it not. So I know 3 couples/families who re-located there. 1 couple (both teachers) were personally driven to and from work each day, dinner cooked for them, cleaning done, night nanny so the couple were out socialising at night with friends, all night feeds done for them. Weekends spent on party yachts etc. They tried moving back here, but Mum struggled with suddenly needing to do washing on her 2 days off work. Her own mother stepped in and did all her laundry, cooked for them all, did the school run…but ultimately they are back in Dubai and will likely never return. It was quite an eye-opener! 😂

Yes, it does vary hugely. I personally found it much easier to make proper friends for me when I was at uni or working. I found everybody at groups friendly, but attendance could be patchy due to illness, appointments, etc. It was just nice to have somewhere to go rather than be alone the whole day as I do like a chat 😂 also, as your children get older they get way chattier too 😂 I have found it easier for both myself and my children to build more consistent relationships now they are at school though.

I also live somewhere where we grew up and both had existing family and friends. Most of the friends I socialise with during the week have been working teacher Mums I knew before. Some rural areas may only have 1 group on per week, so if you were without a car I would personally have found that very difficult.

I think it is very important parents do not become alone and isolated, their happiness and mental health are very important, so I completely understand why some choose to work to maintain a sense of themselves as a person and to socialise as much as for financial reasons, completely understandable.

But in my experience most people attend 2-3 groups per week, which totals 3/4/5 hours. They don’t spend all day at toddler groups and none of them last more than an hour. I think the loss of wider local family has also played into this as well. For sure most of the kids from antenatal who had a SAHM spent very little time around their peers. It could just be anecdata on my part but they also had anxiety type issues when starting school and struggled to share/make friends etc

One or two of the mums have said they wished they’d done a couple of days of nursery from age 18 months or so

Yeah something I think is interesting is that really wealthy women tend to neither work nor be with their kids full time, they tend to use some childcare (often nanny but sometimes preschool) and do some sort of personal project on the side.

My very wealthy SAHM acquaintance used nursery, a weekend nanny and regular babysitters..

I follow a couple of obviously wealthy SAHMs. The children do some nursery whilst they get housework done and hobbies. They obviously play with the kids too. I think it is a nice balance. Not jealous at all. 😄

Oh I couldn’t agree more that parents should maintain their own interests, hobbies and things they like as adults. I have always swam on my own 1-2 times a week whether working or since having children as it is really important to me, I don’t have to justify that. I often pop out in the evening to Governor meetings/cinema trips with Mum/a friend over dinner and bedtime. My DH plays darts once a week. I do find it a shame if there is a huge imbalance between couples with this, and I do notice that it’s usually Mums who suffer more.

It's more the fact there didn't seem to be ANYTHING that wasn't child oriented in that. I preferred more of a balance in my life and shock horror to sometimes do things I liked rather than tolerated as I had kids.

My interests didn't suddenly change into liking kid orientated stuff the minute I gave birth. Of course I did some of it to keep the kids happy but not all day, every bloody day.

Ahh that sounds really hard and upsetting. I hope you both are getting the support you need with his speech and emotional needs. You can definitely access more specialised support more easily through Nurseries/schools than trying to go it alone. Really hope he feels more comfortable soon and at his next setting and you are all OK 💐

I have seen friends of my children who didn't start until they were three and they would scream and need to be peeled off the door to go in. My son starts in September at a school nursery but goes three mornings at a private one. I have a feeling he will be like your DS. Still cries after eight months of going. I put him in due to speech delay/possible autism at two and kind of wished he had gone earlier. He might have settled quicker and easier in the same way my daughter did who started at one. If I had left him only starting nursery at three he would be even more upset. Sometimes I feel guilty he isn't as settled as I would like but he needs it.🤷

I am really glad you enjoy this but that in no way would ever have been my life if I’d quit my job. When I think about where we’d be able to afford to live on just my husband’s salary, and what I’d be able to afford to do, it’s nothing like this. We wouldn’t live in a lovely neighbourhood with lots of lovely activities. We wouldn’t be able to afford playgroups or - as the above poster mentions - lovely days out at national trust properties.

And we don’t have family here, we are immigrants. So we’ve had two nights away from our kids in 12 years. I would never tell you that you aren’t parenting your kids because they have regular overnights without you, so there’s really no reason to say I’m not parenting my own kids because they have regular daytime hours without me. It’s just a different setup. I can’t imagine having my small children away from me at night but I don’t judge those who do it.

Of course part of why I have always worked full time is because it’s best for me, but that’s not at the sacrifice of my children. I prioritise them - always. And that has meant flexible working and working after they’re in bed if needed and using my annual leave to volunteer at the school library and go to their assemblies, dance performances, teacher meetings - whatever. (As does my husband of course.)

Personally I also think it’s important for my kids to have a strong relationship with both parents so we have both prioritised careers that allow for a balance. If my husband was the only one bringing in an income it would be a very different life for him as well - he’d have to quit his job he loves for something much better paid. I would never want to put that pressure on him when I’m fully capable of sharing the financial load.

Did your son find it hard? Sorry to hear that if so. Children are so different, some do struggle at any age regardless of what we all try and decide for the best. I saw children start school at 4- some fine from day 1, some wobbly for a few days, some genuinely cried every day for the first term. One needed half days for the first term as it really was too much. Lots of it seemed irrelevant to their prior experiences/parental views.

Try not to feel bad about what you decided- many other factors influence these things (child’s own natural temperament and preferences, other things going on in their lives, etc).

Ahh I see what you mean. So hard to correctly interpret reading not chatting! Yes, I wondered about that, asked if mine could do 2-3 mornings, but ours was very strict about 5 mornings as it’s school-based. In preparation I ensured they were comfortable being left with my Mum and spent time at local groups so they were used to the concept of a teacher, circle time, someone reading them a story/singing, seeing other children, etc.

I would have changed course if they really struggled to settle after a while. My DS did cry for the first 3 mornings, but I think going every morning helped him settle quicker possibly (and he was a covid baby/toddler, so did experience less prior socialising than my DD). I find it all really interesting.

Well starting at one is better than starting at three IMO. I thoroughly regret only starting my son in nursery at two.

I meant it is harsh going from being with you all the time to being left five times a week.

You don’t have to be completely on your own 1:1 with your child all day. At baby/toddler groups there are loads of lovely staff (often ex-teachers)/volunteers running them and other parents/GPS/child minders. They are very communal, the children get to know other adults and children. Everybody holds each other’s/plays with each other’s/so you can go to the toilet/have a cuppa and chat with somebody else. Older children naturally play and interact with other at parks/soft play etc. You can meet up with friends with children/cousins and invite them to each other’s homes to play.

It’s a real misconception about children at home spending all of their time only with one adult. We saw my Mum 1-2 times a week, and she spent a great deal of time bonding with them from birth, they were always very familiar with her and her home, used to me leaving them initially to run errands etc, so both have always happily slept over from 1 (reckon they would have done sooner, but I was BF).

It was company my DD craved rather than activities. I can take her to an exciting zoo etc but she’s never happier than when she’s with a couple of friends, haring around their garden or making up a game with soft toys etc

She’s an extrovert and with extroverted children they need more social company than just 1 adult. I’m sure it’s different if you have an introverted child but DD gets bored if she spends more than a couple of days solidly in my company.

It’s perfectly normal for small children to have a wider caring circle and be amongst their peers. The notion of a baby being an only child and having the undivided attention of 1 adult that they spend all day with is a relatively modern one.

Both my kids went to nursery from 14 months (DD) and 12 months (DS) and they’re really happy, confident children. DD is now at school, has loads of friends and is just very easygoing and enjoys adventure. Possibly anecdotal but all the kids I know who didn’t have any childcare until school are anxious and struggled to settle, easily overwhelmed etc

No regrets at all DD goes 3.5 days a week, counting down the days until we can access funding from 2 for her to drop the eye watering nursery fee bill a tad though!

Did you read the comments from the posters I was responding to? Several were making highly judgmental remarks about families who do not send their children to Nursery until they are 3, saying it’s ‘harsh’ on the child and implying it’s a lesser experience than Nursery because they can’t access certain activities (you can totally use paint, playdoh, water play etc at home). The majority of the stuff we attended was free and within walking distance too.

The Nursery we used is brilliant, and no, I never felt guilty using it because both mine loved it, nothing negative to say about it, but it is not the ONLY positive way of achieving these things. So I will speak up about that, because both my 3 year olds were happy at home/in their local community AND happy to start Nursery at 3. I’ve not encountered so much negativity around waiting until 3 before, that’s a new one! 😂

Well I think being a financially comfortable stay at home parent with a great local community, nearby extended family, your own car and a variety of expensive activities for your days out sounds lovely. Obviously not really possible for most and would not be enjoyed by many others.

As I keep saying, I do not judge you for spending years of your life like this. So no reason to judge me for the way I’ve spent the last several years.

Yep, not for me either. Not all day, every day anyway.

True, I’m a very chatty extrovert, so this suited me. Did always of course scale back due to illness/bad night’s sleep, but SAHPs often are certainly not always ‘at home’ during the day 😂

That lot sounds like hell to me. I don't think every parent wants to spend days on end doing that kind of stuff