To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

There's been studies on this - and after the age of 3 there's social benefits to kids being in a group setting with other kids. So no, 1-1 attention is not better across the board - but is so when they're under 3.

Also if you really want to get into attachment theory - kids have a critical period of forming a 1-1 attachment between the ages of 0-3 that sets up their relationships for life, and relies on being with one single, consistent primary caregiver. Sibling groups would still have that one consistent caregiver to bond with, even if they don't get 1-1 time.

But basically, if you're interested in this look into the research, it all exists and is out there. I'm not trying to be judgy about nurseries for young kids because as I said I had to use them in the past at a young age. But they're far from "ideal" for babies/toddlers, and positive once they get over age 3.

I feel guilty when I start wondering if any nurseries are open on the weekend 🤣

Well, of course one nappy is quick, but they have nine nappies to change, nine highchairs to set up, nine apps to update with photos, nine mothers day cards to make etc etc. It really is all day that at least one member of the three staff is not with the group.

That's experience (and I think common sense!). I can't back that up with a study before you ask!

It is different to siblings at home, which again I think is just common sense.

Oh and i am definitely better at raising my child than any of the childcare workers I've come across is. I understand them, I have a deeper emotional attachment and vested interest in what is best for them.i sacrifice more to put their needs first than an unrelated, paid nursery nurse will.

I only have two children and most nurseries where i live will have 8 three year olds competing for a single adult's attention.

Horses for courses.

I just miss mine!! I really enjoy their company, more than i enjoy my stressful intense job. Plus i see that they are happier, better behaved etc when they are in less childcare.

"To live a comfortable life? Re the ‘long day’ The child would be awake regardless. Does it matter where exactly they are?"

What does this mean @Kanfuzed123 ? Of course it matters where children are!

I’m sure nursery hasn’t fucked up your child, but is nursery at 6 months for long days the MOST ideal scenario? Probably not. You also show a misunderstanding of attachment. Gabor Mate is good on this.

I will have to send my DD to nursery as I am the higher earner in my marriage but looking at the research (and I’m an academic researcher as part of my job, though not in this field) nursery at a very young age is not ideal, unless home life is detrimental.

YANBU

I love going to work, having a hot coffee and a pee without a small child hanging off my underwear

I love that they eat vegetables and do messy play at nursery

I love that I can afford the roof over their head and food in their bellies, which I could not if I didn't put them in childcare and go to work.

Exactly.

Unless the baby is the first child, babies will have to wait at home sometimes too.

I have twins and a toddler. Someone is always waiting at home it feels like.

Mine thrived in Nursery 5 days a week from 12 months. They gained so much from it and when they started school there was a clear distinction between the kids who had the benefit of nursery and those who hadn't. The nursery kids were head and shoulders better in every way.

Personally I'd rather have been off work and with them for those years but their needs are more important than mine.

If your child is in a good nursery and building positive, independent relationships with adults other than their parents, that's not going to be a bad thing. I know it can be hard to find a good nursery and that's one of the overarching problems, but children can thrive with a number of positive attachments. I was lucky enough that the nursery we chose shared our ethos, and as we have a small family, the nursery became my daughter's home from home. She's been going there in some capacity from 6 months old until now at almost 10 years old (they run after-school and holiday care) and they've played a big part in her life - I don't need to be jealous about that, I chose them to be. They've helped provide a stability and comfort in childhood for her that I never had and I can't overstate how much I appreciate them. I wish everyone had the same for their children.

I was speaking more to the social energy cost, as an introverted person. If you’re tired of performing for/getting along people who aren’t (nearly) unconditionally accepting of you, having a lie-down in the middle of the day isn’t the kind of respite you need, exactly, because you’re still surrounding by your teachers and classmates during and afterwards. And everything is community property, subject to the classroom rules and to be shared by everyone; nothing is strictly yours to do with what you want like when you’re home with your own things.

It's interesting! I don't think a sibling group is quite the same because of differing ages and needs. For example, if you have a 5 year old, 3 year old and baby you're probably getting some one to one time with the baby while older siblings are at school/activities. In a sibling group (of three) 1-3 is the worst case scenario. In a nursery it's often the best case scenario.

I suppose triplets would be a good case study, but even there it's different.

I've worked in nurseries and even though the ratio may be 1-3 it often doesn't work like that. For example, you'll have 9 babies and three staff in a room. It's lunchtime so one member of staff is setting up the highchairs for lunch. One baby has had a poonami and has been taken off to be changed. This leaves one member of staff with the remaining eight babies. This happens all day. The amount of time all three members of staff are available for all babies such that the ratio is 1-3 is minimal ime. I think this is something that is also 'beyond obvious' when you think about it.

I enjoyd going to nursery - so I had no qualms. I have also worked in one, thus I know the importance of high quality childcare.

Nothing to feel guilty about, we make the best decisions we can at the time we make them and that's that. I could write pages about the positives of my daughter's nursery and how the amazing staff there helped shape the brilliant girl she is.

I don't think it is a massively controversial opinion that nurseries are not ideal for young children. The research is out there. I'm not the only one on this thread to have read it and someone else has quoted some studies I think. The OP has conceded that it's 'beyond obvious that 1 to 1 care is better'. It's a fairly widely known fact.

I don't think childcare is damaging to children. I think nurseries specifically can be. I think the standard of care in nurseries in general is not good enough. I think this is only getting worse with the government funding and sudden increase in demand for spaces.

I do wonder what the impact will be on these children in the future, more at a societal level than individually. I do wonder whether the mental health crisis in young people is linked to this. I can't do anything more than wonder about this as I'm not currently in a position to research it/we need to wait ten years.

Also, I've done the homework, the problem is the posters who don't want to do their own homework and demand I do it for them. If you're interested research it. If you're not, carry on. Neither makes any difference to me.

I think it’s impossible to say nursery or a nanny or a parent is inherently better. It depends on the nursery, nanny or parent obviously. Childcare staff are literally engaging with children as their job - they don’t have laundry and dishes and other caring responsibilities at the same time. So even at my best days of parenting, I’m still often multitasking or balancing the needs of two very different children or trying to sort something out for my parents or whatever. Some days my kids would have had far better interaction at nursery, some days they’d probably have been happier at home, some days it was a toss up.

my daughter is neurodiverse so was quite tired after her day but she loved nursery. It really set her up for an easy start to school as well. And, like many others, I had no choice anyway so feeling bad about it wouldn’t solve anything.

My son is super high energy and super social. I couldn’t keep up with him even as a baby and he was so, so much happier when he started nursery. He still prefers to be super busy and super social.

there is no right or wrong answer here and no reason for anyone to feel badly about wherever you end up on this one. Both are fine as long as you either find great caregivers or really work at it yourself. There’s problems both ways if either option isn’t doing an excellent job of it.

Having read this post, I don't actually think we disagree. I don't think you need to read the research if it's beyond obvious to you that 1 to 1 care is better! That's basically the gist of the research.

How much better is the next question, I suppose.