To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

No baby would prefer to be in a nursery all day than with mum (or dad) - unless something serious is going on at home like abuse, or the mum is seriously depressed.

Families do have to make decisions 'in the round' - eg. If both incomes are needed, then having to use nurseries may well outweigh severe financial stress for everyone.

But still, barring abuse or severe poverty, long days in nursery settings are obviously not ideal, especially 5 days a week. Sorry, it's not. They are with staff more than parents in this scenario. I know nursery is convenient for some parents and essential for others, but let's not pretend it's what a baby would choose.

It's very intense being in the same nursery for long days, 5 days per week. It would be a long day for an adult - let alone a baby. They miss out on daily variety - like going to music or messy play groups some days with mum, friends over another day, time with pets, walks out and about, playing with their own toys, stories and singing with mum and generally exploring the world. All the little things basically, that might seem boring or insignificant to some people, but they're not. Maybe just staying home if they're tired or not too well. Doing all these varied things with someone who loves them, rather than it just being a job. And not being rushed out every morning.

Well yes of course, if your mum doesn't want to be at home with you then of course you're better off at nursery. I absolutely agree with that.

@Tbrhthanks, I’m not sure what you mean. I was making the point that not all experiences of having a Sahm are positive so for children such as myself (when I was a child I mean) I may have enjoyed being at a camp in the summer or at nursery etc rather than staying home. Maybe this experience is helpful for mums who have to work to know about.

It works in my family. Everyone is happy and my children are thriving.

My children matter but my career matters too, I can and do have both. Just as my husband does.

Lower level in my industry would mean losing the flexibility I have in my senior role which I use to spend extra time with my children. It would be a lose lose situation in my case.

Going off topic, but these are really weird examples of SAHMs. If a SAHM doesn't want to be there, then obviously that's not a good thing for anyone.

@SouthLondonMum22 , you're taking my words from a defensive stance which is understandable but I say them as someone who did just that over 20 years ago; when I believed that 'equality' was really happening.

Thankfully, all the people I did 'punt' my ds out to were just fine - thank goodness as he was only 5 weeks old when I started doing so (single mum) as there weren't the 'maternity pay' benefits that exist as they do now.

It was far from ideal at the time and I punted my ds out to only childminders; not so sure I'd feel so confident doing the same thing with the 'nurseries' that many are expected to use today

@Kanfuzed123similar here. My mum didn’t really work - just the odd bit of freelance here and there and I honestly felt like she would have liked more freedom instead of having to take us everywhere

Well yes ! Someone has to! We can't always have 'equality' all the time. It just doesn't work !!!

A mother carries and births a baby, a mother is biologically meant to nurture that baby. So In most families, it will naturally be the mother there will be the one to "sacrifice" career or put in on the back burner. That's life ! We can all pretend it doesn't make sense but it does. yes yes the career matters, but your baby matters more and it needs it's mother in formative years ! (Ideally) Yes ideally.

If nobody is willing to sacrifice their career (and yes, for "biological nurturing" reasons it'll usually naturally be the mother ) then..... Don't have children? If your career is so important you can't cruise it at a lower level for a few years, then is birthing a child and bringing it up something you really want ?

We live in a mad world where we can never state blunt realities without being gas lighted into thinking there's literally no difference between a mother and a father.

That's right, working parents just shove their kids in any old place that will take them. 🙄

So it's ok for men to put their careers first when they have babies or toddlers because they need their mothers more but women must always sacrifice either their earning potential, pension etc in going part time and in some industries, their career progession?

No wonder fewer women are deciding to have children. If that was my only option, I wouldn't have either.

Guilty?? Absolutely not - the main thing I'm worried about is a generation of women being knackered out trying to live up to this ideal of 'having it all' whilst it's still so imbalanced for women.

And then there's the kids of course; not all are suited to being punted out to whatever childcare is available to suit the F/T hours of 2 parents working, let alone the poor buggers with single parents striving to keep up with this economically-based ideal, often mothers, doubly knackered from the strain of it all.

No judgement from me to anyone who tries, but something, somewhere will often 'break' and the whole pack of cards can come tumbling down.

@Kanfuzed123thanks, the nursery fees seem very low to me but I don’t believe I’m entitled to any special cuts (earning above £100k). I’m paying £876 per month for three days. Plus a nanny as I have 4 kids and am working full time . Is your nursery London based

My children aren't babies or toddlers now. Babies and toddlers , more so babies need their mothers more. We can give 101 different examples of children without a biological mother around , but in an ideal world, a baby needs a mother.

lol - the point is sailing wildly over your head! I hope in all that time with them you instilled the whole if you don’t have anything nice to say perhaps don’t say anything….

Haven't RTFT but whatever. Say what you want to feel less guilty but children always prefer time with a parent to any nursery. I know for most there's no choice but you've got a choice and believe me it's the wrong one. Spend time with your kids, they'll be 18 before you know it.

But it isn't about "work" Is it? I work too. I have a qualified job. But I refused to work full time because I did not or would not want to put my children into any type of childminding/nursery at a young age. It's nothing to do with working Vs not working.

Some people I guess crave and need "a break" . I personally don't. A day off (I'm part time as I say) whilst their at school is break enough for me.

We love having all of us together. The good and the bad. It's what I signed up for. Life was never meant to be "easy". I don't get how having a job and working =we're all of a hive mind and willing to sign our babies and young kids up to full time nurseries. It doesn't have to be that way.

Some people will claim they have to work full time. Some of these people will indeed have to work full time to make ends meet. But an awful lot will, simply because having a better lifestyle Is worth the sacrifice of seeing your kids less. Each to their own , but not for me thanks.

I guess that's the thing, there's too many variables to ever know what is 'best', but we can use our common sense and logic to intrinsically know what's good and what's not as good.

I grew up with a SAHM and knew that if I had children, I'd never be a SAHM.

I think sometimes children will grow up and do the opposite of what their parents did. 😂