To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

You don't need 'research' to know that babies are better off with mum (or dad) as the main carer in the early months. It's just basic common sense.

When I worked in Child Protection we would go to great lengths and massive expense to keep mums and babies together in the early months. This was in even in extreme cases where the mum was an addict, or had serious mental health problems. There were specialist foster carers who take both the mum and the baby in the first six months, so there need be no separation. Or, in very extreme cases, residential mother and baby clinics where they receive extra support and monitoring in the crucial early months. Teams of psychologists, psychotherapists, psychiatrists and social workers would be involved in all cases. They don't do this for nothing!

a child without an attachment is a very serious (and uncommon) situation arising from trauma, neglect or abandonment. Using this research (which is from studying children in Eastern European orphanages in the 70/80/90s) can not be reasonably applied to an attached baby being being in childcare for long hours

eta- and that’s is what has been widely debunked since the internet forum misapplication of it that seemed endemic in 2010 ish

Attachment theory has not been debunked. What are you talking about?!

Gabor mate is not qualified to make the claims he does and attachment theory has long been debunked.

I actually despair of the concept of mum guilt, and on here it’s often like we’re all meant to be
crippled by it and wear it like a badge of honour for loving our kids so much.

Fuck that; I love my work, the kids loved their childminder, what’s to feel bad about? Don’t see any dads guiltily slinking off to the office to chat to the other dads about how bad they feel for paying the bills.

You seem quite defensive for someone who feels NO guilt. I’ve got a feeling you do, in fact, feel some guilt and this is why you posted on here.

if you have the time, I highly recommend this. This woman dedicated her life to researching child development/attachment.

Mine loved their nursery and had brilliant experiences there. What would I be feeling guilty about?

Childcare is up there with sleep training for guaranteed divisive threads on MN.

All I can say is my DS certainly enjoys all the parties he gets invited to by his nursery chums.

I don't think 1:1 is better ,- it can be a set up for bullying. People who do best in the workplace have good social skills. Small groups can be better than big ones - although that can be overcome with great leadership.

Cant get the link to work but it’s from research by Mary Ainsworth and Bowlby

I find it odd when people say things like that like it’s a good thing. It’s a sign of insecure attachment , probably due to intense, early childcare.

„Babies in insecure-avoidant attachments seem indifferent to the mother, act unstressed when she leaves, and exhibit the same behaviors with a stranger. When the mother returns after a separation, the baby might avoid her, or might “fail to cling” when picked up.””

Agree with this - there’s plenty of things babies and young children would “choose” not to do, but we as the adults make the best decisions for them that we can at the time.

Personally I have to drag my two kicking and screaming out of nursery because they love it so much, so even with the choice I think they’d still want to go 😂

There’s definitely research supporting the view that a baby/young toddler is best of being at home with mum however even without it, surely that’s just natural and common sense. You don’t need a phd to know that being in an institutional care and away from mum at such young age is not ideal. Regardless of all that, I would hate to hand my kids over to someone else to spend the majority of their waking hours with.

@SquashedMallow

I personally don't know why people have children if they send them to nursery for lengthy hours the minute their off the breast/bottle.

Are you familiar with the concept of needing to provide for children? For needing to pay a mortgage or rent and put food on the table?

One of my son's old keyworkers is now our first choice babysitter and good friend.

...and one of his key workers from nursery picks him up from school for us one day a week, and I'd absolutely count as a friend.

Zero guilt here. My son went to a fab nursery 8am-6pm, 4 days a week from when he was 10 months old. He was always happy and settled there, and it was the right balance for us. We were v lucky that it worked financially too, and that we had flex in both our jobs to juggle when needed. He's a sociable, adaptable, fab 10 yr old now - which maybe he'd have been regardless, but I definitely don't think it did him any harm at all.

They are babies though, why would they get to decide? Just like toddlers or children in general don't get to make big family decisions that they wouldn't be able to begin to fully understand.

I feel like my babies have had plenty of variety in nursery, more than what they would've got at home with me anyway. The nursery workers are so creative and have thought of things I never would have.

They also go on walks out and about, experience messy play and have baby classes come to them such as baby massage. They come home and then can also play with their toys and have stories and singing with mum/dad.

They aren't rushed out every morning, why would they be? They go there 5 days a week so it is easy to have the routine down and everything ready the night before.

I thank OP for bringing this to the fore; very few women actually have a choice about how they're going to raise their dc, at least in the birth to 'pre-school' years.

It depends on so many other things - their spouse/partner, if they have one as the df has a choice whether to stick around or not, the mother's job, the availability of childcare and where you live geographically as well-paid or even adequately-paid jobs aren't evenly distributed throughout the UK.

The worst thing that women can do right now is criticize other women for their so-called 'life choices' - it just shows a 'weakness' to the Tate-like brigade who will just continue to eat away at the strength of women just like they've done for centuries.