To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

If it looks like a duck it quacks like a duck. I am not sensitive about it.

I don't feel guilty at all but as pp said, some people will read that and feel like shit because they have no choice but to have their child in nursery.

Providing for your child financially is a big part of raising them and certainly not something that nurseries do.

I’m confident that nursery has played a major role in my son’s social development. He was there about 40 hours a week so hard not to! And we kept him in during Covid too. He is confident to go anywhere and be cared for by anyone and I’m proud of that. I think it’s a really good thing.

Ah. You’re just a cross person. Hope things go better for you all.

That’s lovely. What a good job you’ve done

Haha this is the funniest interaction with the professionally sensitive I’ve had on MN. Have you considered the possibility that you’re completely wrong? And flouncing about precisely as I said the guilty do?

It literally means ‘if you don’t mind other people bringing up your kids’. What else would you mind or have to feel guilty about? As OP said. Lordy you’re working hard to make sure your guilt is someone else’s fault.

If your child is with a specific nursery worker, or small group of them, 8-5, 5 days per week or something like that, that's the majority of their waking lives. So they are having a massive influence in your baby / child, whether you call it 'raising' them or not.

Having relationships with other people isn't the same as saying someone else is raising your children. It isn't jealousy or fear to say that nursery staff aren't raising my children.

In my case I know my daughter and I know our family and all our circumstances, and I know the nursery, the nursery staff, all my daughter's friends and her life experiences so far, and I feel pretty confident in assessing what my daughter has gained from nursery to be honest.

My daughter's nursery staff absolutely had a role in her upbringing and in shaping the fantastic little girl that she is. They continue to, after 9.5 years. So what? Why would anyone have a problem with that? My parenting was and is very much hands on and I actively chose the nursery over others and over a childminder because they had and have a similar ethos. I wish I could say the same for school. Why are people so afraid and jealous of their children having relationships with people other than them?

I am out the other side, dd is now at uni. I only got 14 weeks paid and added some unpaid to that but she was 5.5 months old going into Creche. Totally normal then. She got lots of toys and opportunities that I couldn’t have given her, made friends (some of whom she still had leaving school), and was also lucky that the training of the workers meant they spotted developmental stuff they suggested we should investigate and short-circuited by years realisation and learning to manage and support her ADHD/ASD Dx’s.

We did loads together - baking, cooking, playing in mud, making costumes for WBD etc. but I am not the most maternal and I also had really really missed being seen as a person (not just “mum”) and being at work where I can make a difference.

it was a stretch to cover. But I now have a dd who is confident enough to go to uni overseas and get stuck into life. I maintained my career, progressed and have a chance to really make a difference at the minute. We have a lovely relationship. So I don’t regret it at all.

Of course parents have overall responsibility for 'bringing up' their children. It's just that some parenting is more hands off by necessity of needing to work during waking hours. Even in couple where one works full-time and one is a SAHM, the one who works will obviously be more hands off, day to day, than the one who SAH. But that's ok. It is what it is. A parent whose children are at boarding school would similarly have a more hands off approach than someone whose children are at a day school because they are not getting drawn into the nitty gritty of everything, minute to minute, day to day. Someone else is doing that for them. It doesn't need to be a value judgement, but it is a statement of fact.

You know what you said. It doesn't bother me so much but I feel sorry for the parents especially single parents who have bills to pay reading that.

I don't have to interpret anything. What else can ''If you don't mind other people bringing up your kids'' mean?

Lol what did you think I was saying? Only the ones with nerves touched interpret what I said like you did.

Parenting Style

I soon learnt not to give a shit what others thought when mine were little. Bothered me at first but then I found you couldn't win either way.
When they were in nursery all day as I was working "aw, you never see them!"
When I was a SAHM "aren't you looking to get a job soon?" etc
Mums are judged whatever they do.
Rise above and know that you know what's best for you and your family, not judgy people who love nothing better than to stick their noses in.

Correlation is not causation. My kids are more sociable and confident than most nursery kids we know. I think some nursery kids actually need a break from other children because they are constantly surrounded by them during the day. It’s great your kids are confident but you don’t know if it’s because of Nursery.

Yawn.

Nursery has been so good for my son. They did so many things with the children and he is confident and sociable as a result of being there. We kept sending him during Covid and very glad we did. He was a full timer and I don’t feel a bit guilty about that. It was the best place for him.

People get 'stroppy' because of comments like yours. Caring for a child whilst their parents work isn't the same as actually raising them. You can also work and still be close to your children.

No need to be guilty at all if you don’t mind other people bringing up your kids. I think people feel strongly (and so get stroppy) either way because there’s an element of sacrifice whatever you do. You’re sacrificing time with your kids for money and space, other people sacrifice money, space and career to be close to their kids and provide a better education than at nursery.
What’s best for a kid over the course of their whole life depends on the quality of care and opportunities they get. If you wouldn’t be a great mum at home, be a great mum who goes to work! Kids just want us to be happy as long as they’re loved and cared for.

I’m a stay at home mum by choice and absolutely love it, however understand that it’s not a choice a lot of people could make or want to make. Now that my baby is a toddler I don’t know any other stay at home parents, the norm is two working parents now. I’d never say anything negative about childcare to any of these parents and I don’t think any one should feel guilty about their childcare choices.

Whilst I don’t believe nursery would benefit my child, it’s not for me to say what’s best for other children. I made my choice based on

1. My experience previously working in childcare which led me to feel uncomfortable about group care for my own child
2. My desire to be present for the early years in the belief that my daughter would be most comfortable being in my care all day
3. My desire to breastfeed for 24 months
4. To a small extent on the research available - which isn’t of particularly good quality.

It’s incredibly difficult to research impact of childcare on later outcomes because there’s a million other variables and parenting choices or circumstances that are almost impossible to account for. The research that is available has been used by both “sides” of the debate to support their own arguments but in general the international consensus is that benefits start at around 2.5 to 3 years for part time care, and that for younger children attending longer hours there may be some negatives to group care like behavioral issues later on.

I can only provide an Australian source, but the research it looks at is international (and outdated as again we don’t have great research in this area).

www.aihw.gov.au/reports/children-youth/learning-development-impact-of-early-childhood-edu/summary

A study often referred to is a universal childcare program from Quebec decades ago. The Canadian data was quite negative, but likely the quality of care was low as the program was rolled out so quickly.

Stalk away. At least I am not using the death of a child to use for my arguments for against nurseries. Do you only have an issue with me sending my child to nursery because I claim benefits or do you say the same for wealthy SAHMs who do it too? They send their children to nursery for a break too? Good for them. Mums should have time to themselves. I can get housework done whilst my child isn't climbing something. I said about a break to wind people like you up.

Ha. Nope all the stuff done at home hasn't helped the speech and usually they advise to put a child in nursery for that reason so I did. Not sure it has helped the speech but has improved social skills etc.