To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

I don't really class the hurried hour or so to have lunch and do the washing/tidying up whilst they sleep as good time to myself. Each to their own but I need proper time away. I suspect when your children get more challenging and older you might find yourself feeling the same way.

Also by this logic, childcare workers are also leeching off parents. Or are they doing a job that they are being paid for? Exactly. Little kids need constant care- I can do it or we can pay someone else to do it. Yes we would be better off financially if we outsourced it but the quality of care would be nowhere near what I can provide. Most “wealthy spouses” realise this and so presumably are happy with that set up. And if they’re not then that’s a topic for another thread I suppose.

Sure but maybe some people want more time with their kids than others. I’ve never felt the need for mine to be in childcare for extended periods of time or to send them for sleepovers. They sleep a lot more than me so I get my down time then. You and another poster were making out that’s strange and martyr-like which is what I was referring to.

Oops showed your real face there. Mothers who SAH aren’t ‘leeching off a wealthy partner’ are they? They’re normally sacrificing income, their careers, outside stimulation and validation and their security because they believe their children will be better off with a mum at home.
You can’t have it both ways, that poor mums who use childcare are guilt riddled sufferers but SAHM are lazy ‘leeches’. Both sets of PEOPLE are normally doing the absolute best they can for their children.
You don’t have to make up stories about other mothers to feel you're doing the best for your child/ren. Focus on that and let the rest go. Because your kind of coiled nastiness and envy will be very apparent and influential - and damaging- to your children. Best of luck.

You can enjoy your kids without wanting to spend 24/7 with them. I feel like I enjoy them more because I don't spend 24/7 with them.

Who says we don't enjoy our kids? Don't you occasionally fancy going somewhere to read in peace with a coffee? I quite enjoy eating my break without my toddler snatching my food. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy them.

Most people’s do of course. For me it became even more important to ensure I was financially settled and able to take care of them with or without my husband. There’s nothing wrong with either of our instincts here. I cannot imagine how it would be not to work and you can’t imagine how it would be to be a working parent - that’s all fine. We don’t have to have empathy but we can certainly respect each other’s choices.

Maybe if you would stop going on about bills as if they aren't needing to be paid I wouldn't have mentioned it? How else would you be paying bills if not a high earning spouse? Easy to judge mother's working when you don't need to isn't it? My job isn't a hobby. It pays many of our bills. In return I am entitled to help with funding due to low income unless you think all low income families should keep their children at home and have no experience at nursery? My child would absolutely struggle even more than they are if I put them in preschool with no prior experience.

DD went to nursery full time from 6 months old, I dropped her off at 7.30am, caught the bus to work then collected her from nursery at 6.30pm, 5 days per week. I was a lone parent so had to work. When she started school I used wraparound care from 8am, caught the train to work then collected her at 6pm. I never felt guilty, I had no grandparent help as they live abroad, it was needs must. I did this until she started secondary school in 2020. I’d been made redundant during first lock down so did temp work from home.

Maybe some people enjoy their kids and don’t see a need to be away from them for extended periods of time? It’s similar to exercise/gym- a lot of people hate it but once you learn to enjoy it, you don’t see it as a chore.

“Do you also feel sorry for people who want a career but are stuck at home? Cause I feel sorry for anyone who isn’t living the life they want. I’d never say that if you’d planned your life better you’d have a satisfying career!”

I guess so? I can’t say I would understand it because despite having a great career, my priorities changed completely once I had kids.

I suspect how you and I feel is more common than we think. I genuinely don't get this not wanting to leave them mummy martyr thing.I am quite looking forward to starting hobbies again when preschool starts. Time to myself.

Yeah, I keep bringing it up in response to statements such as yours. If you bring in less than it costs government in childcare top ups than you’re hardly independent. You could say that your work is basically a hobby. Nothing wrong with that if you enjoy it but you should stop barking on about SAHPs leeching off other people. At least they are independent as a family unit and don’t have to rely on strangers to top them up.

Do you also feel sorry for people who want a career but are stuck at home? Cause I feel sorry for anyone who isn’t living the life they want. I’d never say that if you’d planned your life better you’d have a satisfying career!

Your assumption that anyone not home with their kids is at work due to poor planning - or indeed that this would be better for society as a whole is the part that I was commenting on.

Fully admit I’m biased though as I don’t actually know many people who don’t work at all - a couple very wealthy people with spouses who don’t work and my parents and in-laws are retired now but 99% of my friends and all of my children’s friends parents are working.

The example of a stay at home parent from my life was my mother and that was a nightmare for her when my parents divorced. I knew I never wanted that experience for myself so have been working since I was a teenager.

Those childcare fees have to be paid upfront by us and only if you are in work. Sounds like it is a sore point for you as you keep bringing it up?

Well if you’re happy with that set up then good for you. I said I felt sorry for people who would rather stay at home with the kids but have to work.

It’s family income, no one is leeching off anyone in the SAHP scenario. The only people leeching off other people’s “wealthy spouses” are those who don’t earn enough to pay for their own childcare and rely on government handouts.

Well some of us don't leech off a wealthy spouse and like to earn our own money.

Because money is the priority? Jesus.

Well you certainly aren’t troubled by any deeper waters, are you? 😂

Why would people prefer their kids in childcare all the time? It costs an absolute bomb.

I did plan. We waited until we had good jobs and stable finances and it took us years to have our daughter after infertility and miscarriages. I planned to continue working too. It’s not that I have settled into this life, it is entirely my choice and is almost exactly as I’d choose it to be (though agree no one would have guessed what would happen to mortgages and food costs so there are plenty being backed into a corner with no choice at all). There’s no reason to feel sorry for me or my kids.

You can't plan a cost of living crisis.

Some people prefer to have their kids in childcare as much as possible. You can easily spot that type of parents on holiday as well as they put their kids into every kids club going . It’s the ones that would rather be with their kids but have to work that I feel sorry for although I do feel like it people had planned years ahead of having babies then more people would be able to be SAHP.

I think the thing that helps least of all is arguing amongst ourselves. None of these choices are bad ones, we all clearly love our kids or we wouldn’t be on this forum, and different setups work for different families and children.

I would never tell a non working parent all the reasons it’s a terrible idea ‘for me’ to live that life so there’s no real reason for anyone to judge me in return. My kids are doing great. So are yours. It’s nice for kids to hang out at home with a parent. It’s also nice for them to hang out with their friends at a fun environment literally created for them.

I am an immigrant from the states so the setup here feels magical to me - all that time off work for midwife appointments, a year off on maternity, several weeks off work every single year. I had no idea that this life was possible when I was younger and absolutely never expected it. I feel grateful that I can both have a career and raise a family and do everything else I do as well.

Of course there are families struggling and of course finding the balance between working and parenting and hobbies and friends and everything else is hard… for everyone. And of course I think there are plenty of people who need more support but I have no issues at all with the general theory of working while also raising your children. I also have no problem with families who balance things differently than I do.