To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

Kanfuzed123 · 2025-04-10T16:47:19+00:00

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child. anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave? yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends. I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months. anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too. im not alone or am I?

Radra · 09/05/2025 07:39

Motheranddaughter · 08/05/2025 19:06

Because nursery fees were much less than the cost of giving up my career 🤷‍♀️

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Well, exactly.

But also "afford" is a relative term, we all want different things for ourselves and our families.

It is important to me that we have enough money for a four bedroom house (a bedroom for each child plus home office), live in a good area for schools, savings for retirement, savings for university/house deposits for our kids.

Those would all be difficult to afford if I had taken a lengthy career break. We could absolutely have afforded to live - probably a two bed flat or a three bed in a bit great school area - but that's not all I want from life.

I have not been convinced that childcare is so hideously damaging that avoiding it would be worth not being able to afford the other things that matter to me but of course others can make different choices

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 08/05/2025 22:46

Kanfuzed123 · 08/05/2025 22:27

But you can see the difference in a 6 month hit to keep them there V a 3 year long career break right? You understand that 6 months is shorter than 3 yrs right?

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^ oops replied to the wrong comment there sorry. I meant to reply to the one that said they didn’t understand women who kept their kids in nursery whilst on mat leave but claimed they couldn’t afford a career break

OP posts:

HRTQueen · 08/05/2025 22:27

I never felt guilty ds used to run in with a backwards wave there was no clinging on to me 🤔😆

worked for us

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 08/05/2025 22:27

Motheranddaughter · 08/05/2025 19:06

Because nursery fees were much less than the cost of giving up my career 🤷‍♀️

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But you can see the difference in a 6 month hit to keep them there V a 3 year long career break right? You understand that 6 months is shorter than 3 yrs right?

OP posts:

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 08/05/2025 22:24

beetr00 · 08/05/2025 16:40

@Kanfuzed123

I think, in very many situations that are not ideal (not just childcare) we tend to assuage our guilt.

If it suits you though, fine.

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The only thing less than ideal in my mind was the cost prior to the 30 hrs funding.

no assuaging needed, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything guilt worthy. They didn’t start until 13 months and did 3 days a week until 18 months (eldest until 3) then went to 4. I don’t know but to me, feels a pretty good balance. 5 days started at nursery school age. They were both in nursery at the same time, one is preschool room and one in baby, so they got to spend time with each other in the day too. And will at wrap around after school club. That I feel more guilty about because my eldest doesn’t like it, so we minimise it to 3 days a week.

them going to nursery has meant I’m a more well rounded person, and we’ve been able to weather interest rate hikes and cost of living crisis and still afford to take them on holiday, have days out and not worry about money.

OP posts:

Motheranddaughter · 08/05/2025 19:06

HJA87 · 08/05/2025 15:00

I don’t really do baby groups but most people I know keep their eldest child in nursery when on second Mat leave. I don’t understand how they can afford that while at the same time claiming they can’t afford to take a career break. I have both of mine at home, and therefore can spend any money that would go on nursery fees on activities etc.

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Because nursery fees were much less than the cost of giving up my career 🤷‍♀️

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/05/2025 18:45

IVFmumoftwo · 08/05/2025 18:40

Maybe not but they can be cliquey.

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Absolutely. One of the things that made me stop going and not even bother at all next time around.

IVFmumoftwo · 08/05/2025 18:40

Catwhispereroo · 08/05/2025 18:37

You can talk about anything you want with anyone. A baby group is not a cult!

Maybe not but they can be cliquey.

Catwhispereroo · 08/05/2025 18:37

You can talk about anything you want with anyone. A baby group is not a cult!

Gogogo12345 · 08/05/2025 17:59

Catwhispereroo · 08/05/2025 17:34

Well if you have kids it's not ecactly optional to socialise them. It's not about what you want. It's what's best for them. The end. What the alternative - shut them in a room and hide away? Of course people who have recently had babies will be talking about .... babies. It's sad that you would belittle people for taking an interest in their own children.

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I didn't want to talk endless about babies just because I had one. Especially other people's babies. That's not sad

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/05/2025 17:42

Catwhispereroo · 08/05/2025 17:34

Well if you have kids it's not ecactly optional to socialise them. It's not about what you want. It's what's best for them. The end. What the alternative - shut them in a room and hide away? Of course people who have recently had babies will be talking about .... babies. It's sad that you would belittle people for taking an interest in their own children.

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Baby groups are for parents, not babies. If parents enjoy them, that's great but not all do and that's absolutely fine.

Catwhispereroo · 08/05/2025 17:34

Gogogo12345 · 08/05/2025 16:30

Don't bother with other mums UNLESS you want to put up with their kids and have kid talk constantly. Dont quote out of context.

If you are struggling with kids and not enjoying kid based stuff then surely spending time with people who go on about / or bring kids with isn't helpful

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Well if you have kids it's not ecactly optional to socialise them. It's not about what you want. It's what's best for them. The end. What the alternative - shut them in a room and hide away? Of course people who have recently had babies will be talking about .... babies. It's sad that you would belittle people for taking an interest in their own children.

TheCompactPussycat · 08/05/2025 17:15

IslandsAround · 08/05/2025 16:30

No skin in the game but given ratios kids do not get undivided attention at nursery.

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True, but throughout history, the majority of kids have rarely had their parents' undivided attention. That's really a modern trend of the last 40 years or so when housework stopped being so onerous and parents (mothers, generally) had more time to focus on their children.

IVFmumoftwo · 08/05/2025 16:45

IslandsAround · 08/05/2025 16:30

No skin in the game but given ratios kids do not get undivided attention at nursery.

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True but plenty for them to do rather than wait for mum to finish feeding the baby.

beetr00 · 08/05/2025 16:40

Kanfuzed123 · 12/04/2025 11:53

Ah another generic platitude. Nice work

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@Kanfuzed123

I think, in very many situations that are not ideal (not just childcare) we tend to assuage our guilt.

If it suits you though, fine.

Gogogo12345 · 08/05/2025 16:34

HJA87 · 08/05/2025 14:17

Hmm, where do I start.

If you have time, have a listen to this:

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Oh FFS give it a break. She has none of those issues

IslandsAround · 08/05/2025 16:30

IVFmumoftwo · 08/05/2025 15:50

Plus they get undivided attention at nursery and the baby gets it at home. Win win. 🤷

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No skin in the game but given ratios kids do not get undivided attention at nursery.

Gogogo12345 · 08/05/2025 16:30

Catwhispereroo · 08/05/2025 14:44

What do you mean "don't put other mums?" Why not?

When mine were babies and toddlers, we'd go to Tumble Tots, Monkey Music, Messy play, baby massage - all kinds of things most days. There are loads of mums (and dads) and you meet absolutely loads of new people. Often you'd go for coffee afterwards, or the kids want to keep playing so you go to the park or someone's house. Every day is like that and there are loads of mums everywhere, all in the same boat and all wanting to meet other mums. It's a very sociable time!

With the second or later kids, lots of the friends you met through the first one are also having another one.

I don't know anyone who used a nursery full time. There was a playgroup (nursery?) where they could do three mornings per week (9.15-12), but not before 2.5 years old. After the age of 3, they could go for 3, 4 or 5 mornings. I signed all mine up for 3 mornings in the term they turned 3, but if they didn't want to go, we just did something else.

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Don't bother with other mums UNLESS you want to put up with their kids and have kid talk constantly. Dont quote out of context.

If you are struggling with kids and not enjoying kid based stuff then surely spending time with people who go on about / or bring kids with isn't helpful

TheCompactPussycat · 08/05/2025 16:03

HJA87 · 08/05/2025 15:00

I don’t really do baby groups but most people I know keep their eldest child in nursery when on second Mat leave. I don’t understand how they can afford that while at the same time claiming they can’t afford to take a career break. I have both of mine at home, and therefore can spend any money that would go on nursery fees on activities etc.

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People 'afford' all sorts of things that they feel are important to them or their children. Here are some reasons why they may keep their eldest child in nursery whilst on mat leave:

To keep their child's place in nursery. You often have to apply for a place 6-12 months in advance
To maintain their child's normal routine
To enable them (the parent) to enjoy some important 1-1 time with their new baby

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 08/05/2025 15:54

Not one minute of guilt here and I went back to work when my oldest was 5.5 months. It was a fabulous nursery and he enjoyed it.

IVFmumoftwo · 08/05/2025 15:50

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/05/2025 15:44

This is why we kept DS in nursery, as well as not wanting to disturb his routine.

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Plus they get undivided attention at nursery and the baby gets it at home. Win win. 🤷

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/05/2025 15:44

IVFmumoftwo · 08/05/2025 15:31

You can lose the space if you don't.

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This is why we kept DS in nursery, as well as not wanting to disturb his routine.

Catwhispereroo · 08/05/2025 15:40

LookingForRecommendation · 08/05/2025 14:57

How are your kids now? What age are they?

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My kids are older now - 22, 19 and 17! All totally different personalities. One doing Economics at Cambridge, one is at drama school and the youngest doing A-levels. Two are / were very academic, one had some SPLD. Two very confident and outgoing, one a bit more introverted (but oddly, not on the stage). The time flies, it really does.

IVFmumoftwo · 08/05/2025 15:33

PurpleThistle7 · 08/05/2025 15:19

I live in Scotland so timed it to have the free nursery hours before my second maternity leave. Therefore giving my son the same opportunity for 1:1 time as my daughter. So that’s the answer for me. Will be different for everyone of course.

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Mine had just started school when I had my second. Bigger gap then we originally wanted but it has it's perks.

Cherrytree86 · 08/05/2025 15:32

HJA87 · 08/05/2025 15:00

I don’t really do baby groups but most people I know keep their eldest child in nursery when on second Mat leave. I don’t understand how they can afford that while at the same time claiming they can’t afford to take a career break. I have both of mine at home, and therefore can spend any money that would go on nursery fees on activities etc.

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@HJA87

not everyone’s a perfect mother as you though