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Original poster

Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

381 replies

AndreaGreen · 10/04/2025 16:30

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 10/04/2025 20:42

I would report it, but because I’m bolshi I have asked exactly they meant by the comments. Then watch them squirm.

CautiousLurker01 · 10/04/2025 20:40

Just read your OP out to my DH, who is snr management in a FTSE100 company and he is outraged for you. He is hoping the call was recorded on teams and that, therefore you can download a transcription because it absolutely should be reported.

Pottedpalm · 10/04/2025 20:39

JorgyPorgy · 10/04/2025 20:27

Well surely everyone is allowed an off day , we’re humans not robots after all. Also women inevitably carry the childcare burden because that’s the society we live in so for women to be treated fairly this all needs to be taken into account.
Not very nice for those women to be so judgemental, I get they were probably a bit frustrated but their comments were totally unprofessional and sexist. OP could just msg them individually and say she was quite hurt to the point of tears about what they said quoting what she heard and say she was having a bit of off day due to kid and would appreciate a bit less judgement and rude personal attack.

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No, it’s not acceptable to have an off day to the extent that your performance at work is impacted. Would it be acceptable tor your surgeon to have an off day? Your solicitor? Your gas engineer? Ok for your child’s teacher to pop out to take a call?

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2025 20:33

pelargoniums · 10/04/2025 20:30

Jesus wept

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Was trying to have a humorous moment, i guess it didn't translate well.

Dweetfidilove · 10/04/2025 20:33

This is one of those things that's best tackling head on by letting them know them and there you heard, and letting them fumble; then report them.
As it stands, a stern email as worded by pp is the next best thing.
Filthy bastards.

pelargoniums · 10/04/2025 20:30

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2025 20:21

At least they thought you looked good. (Looking for silver lining).

Jesus wept

JorgyPorgy · 10/04/2025 20:27

Pottedpalm · 10/04/2025 19:15

Well you weren’t coming across well and it is unprofessional
to be so tired that you were not on top of things. Also unprofessional to answer the door during a meeting. I would say nothing and endeavour to make a better impression next time,

Well surely everyone is allowed an off day , we’re humans not robots after all. Also women inevitably carry the childcare burden because that’s the society we live in so for women to be treated fairly this all needs to be taken into account.
Not very nice for those women to be so judgemental, I get they were probably a bit frustrated but their comments were totally unprofessional and sexist. OP could just msg them individually and say she was quite hurt to the point of tears about what they said quoting what she heard and say she was having a bit of off day due to kid and would appreciate a bit less judgement and rude personal attack.

Vitrolinsanity · 10/04/2025 20:27

I’d need to say something next time I saw them. What was by the one who commented on your looks was not OK.

As to the one that said the call was hard work, well it clearly was. I can understand the gibberish answer, but stopping a call to receive a delivery is why businesses are demanding back to work.

IdaGlossop · 10/04/2025 20:27

LisbonJacaranda · 10/04/2025 19:41

I open the door on calls at least once a day, it’s one of the benefits of WFH.

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True but the OP's DH was also at home. OP why did you answer the door rather than turning off your microphone and shouting to DH?

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2025 20:21

At least they thought you looked good. (Looking for silver lining).

Redmat · 10/04/2025 20:17

TheseCalmSeas · 10/04/2025 19:47

You’re ridiculous. It’s perfectly acceptable to be human, it’s not acceptable to be a sexist dinosaur.

I think these silly comments aren’t from people who actually work in a wfh or hybrid environment.

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I imagine some of these comments may be from NHS workers, school staff, retail staff, etc who don't have the luxury of accepting parcels at home and really have to put tiredness to one side and get on with it.

Brefugee · 10/04/2025 20:14

Whatafustercluck · 10/04/2025 18:40

So I translate this as "men are allowed to have off days, but women are not - therefore women must never, ever make a mistake at work because all women will be judged by it if they do". What a load of shit. Maybe let's turn that argument on its head and stop holding women to impossibly high standards just so they're not judged to be brainless bimbos by the people who actually need educating about how to behave in the workplace. Jesus wept. We're women, humans, not robots. Just like men in fact.

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i have been working for 40 years.

It is a fact of working women's life. We all know it to be true as much as we all know it to be wrong.

If you bring your A-game, you can complain. If you don't? Bring your A-Game. Every. Time.

TroysMammy · 10/04/2025 20:10

You should have said to them at the time, "sorry you don't think my brains are 100% but it's lucky I'm a looker eh?"

mamajong · 10/04/2025 19:59

Personally I'd have called them out there and then by saying 'I'm still here guys, we're adults so say it to my face or not at all thanks' I guarantee they'd have been mortified. Personally I would call them out now, I'd drop an email and tell them you've overheard them and that they should bear that in mind if they're gonna slate colleagues on team calls in future, and can they respectfully decline from commenting on your appearance in future as its unprofessional and inappropriate.

Don't let them get you down though - haters are just admirers in disguise as the saying goes!

Toptotoe · 10/04/2025 19:57

I wouldn’t report it but I’d let them know you heard. Tell them you heard what they said and ask them if they need anything clarified as you obviously hadn’t articulated yourself very well in their opinion . . .

pimplebum · 10/04/2025 19:56

I would email them direct with a transcript of their comments quoting what they said

explaining that you weren’t at your best ( I would be vague and not give specifics) and going forward expect kindness and professional conduct

at least they were nice about your looks, And the dimness is only temporary ! reporting can turn toxic and they could make a big deal out of your “faults” so I’d record it and make it official by using work email but leave it as just between the three of you ( unless of course it happens again )

sorry you were upset

FKAT · 10/04/2025 19:54

Don't report it. HR do not want to get sucked into petty arguments and it will reflect worse on you than them. You will have to justify why you weren't 100%, why you left the call for personal business, why you came across poorly. It will backfire on you.

Despite what LinkedIn/Social Media/DEI culture tells us, not every minor colleague dispute is an HR call and a grievance.

It's shit but it's small beer - move on. Let them know politely and professionally you heard what they said and keep a written record of it in case it becomes a repeat occurrence.

Edit to clarify that I think what they did was wrong, unprofessional and sexist. But pick your battles.

ThirdGeneration · 10/04/2025 19:48

Your company or organisation should have a policy on sexism, a policy on Teams calls, and an IT department. The latter will be able to pull out the call even if not recorded. Make it a subject access request. Only a fool ever commits themselves by email or on Teams. Both leave a trail, believe me. Your manager should have your back with the subject access request.

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/04/2025 19:48

Commenting that you were not performing well is barely acceptable, when there was a good chance that you night overhear. Discussing your appearance like that is rude, sexist and unprofessional. Imagine if you had been an external client?

You should report them. You deserve an apology and they deserve some consequences, before they cause serious damage to their employer. Pair of misogynistic neanderthals.

TheseCalmSeas · 10/04/2025 19:47

Mirabai · 10/04/2025 17:57

Being tired is not an excuse for being inarticulate in a meeting. You have to bring it when required however tired. I’ve done meetings on no sleep at all so it’s not excuse.

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You’re ridiculous. It’s perfectly acceptable to be human, it’s not acceptable to be a sexist dinosaur.

I think these silly comments aren’t from people who actually work in a wfh or hybrid environment.

Flopsy145 · 10/04/2025 19:45

I would email them cc their manager and yours and maybe HR. Say they will be dealing with another point of contact in your department going forward based on their sexist and misogynistic comments that have made you feel uncomfortable and unable to continue working with them, then write out the comments so their manager can see. Obviously clear this with your manager first.

Biffbaff · 10/04/2025 19:43

Dreamysleepynightysnoozeysnooze · 10/04/2025 18:47

@Biffbaff

Not everybody reacts in the same way, especially to something very unexpected and even more so when experiencing sleep deprivation.

You've never been caught off guard and been a bit too shocked to say something in the moment?

Of course but the ship has sailed now hasn't it? The moment to pull them up on what they said was right then, not going off and crying and running to some kind of manager. They'll just deny it. And in the time she typed "I have to go" she could have typed "I heard that." And then left. It didn't have to be a confrontation just a statement.

TheseCalmSeas · 10/04/2025 19:42

100% I’d raise it as a grievance. It’s completely unacceptable.

LisbonJacaranda · 10/04/2025 19:41

AndreaGreen · 10/04/2025 18:16

Sorry, I’ve read back and didn’t state in my OP that the colleagues were male, which is why I think it touched a nerve so much.

I would be supportive if colleagues I was speaking to were a bit tired, everyone has been there, and it happens sometimes that it takes a couple of attempts to clarify something.

Answering the door takes literally 30 seconds and everyone does it in our company/is understanding - obviously if it was a difficult people related call/hearing it would be ignored.

Although the poll results are mainly YANBU the replies are more varied and have given me food for thought. I’m going to sleep on it, I might mention to my manager as I have my weekly catch up tomorrow morning.

I open the door on calls at least once a day, it’s one of the benefits of WFH.

SlagPit · 10/04/2025 19:39

You were all unprofessional TBH

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