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Original poster

Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

381 replies

AndreaGreen · 10/04/2025 16:30

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

OP posts:
Mirabai · 10/04/2025 22:20

nonmerci99 · 10/04/2025 18:05

Mm, of course not. I think you made your terrible point perfectly clear, nonetheless!

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Well you invented my point to suit yourself.

Mirabai · 10/04/2025 22:16

TheseCalmSeas · 10/04/2025 19:47

You’re ridiculous. It’s perfectly acceptable to be human, it’s not acceptable to be a sexist dinosaur.

I think these silly comments aren’t from people who actually work in a wfh or hybrid environment.

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It’s not acceptable to fuck up a meeting no. If you’re so tired/unwell that you can’t perform coherently then reschedule. You’re representing your team and the company as well as yourself.

I run a business from home as it happens.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 22:06

Lindtnotlint · 10/04/2025 17:32

I think the advice here is poor. I would let this lie. Yes they are total dicks. But if you “confront” them it won’t give you power, it will just make the whole project enormously uncomfortable for all. I would take the power by being awesome on the next call! I also think reporting will get you nowhere. They are idiots to say it, and absolute idiots for saying it where you might overhear, but this is a “bitch to your mates in pub/mumsnet then put on brave face and move forward at work, while resolving to think about it as little as possible”.

I can see that reporting/confronting it might help others (a bit, maybe, though probably just means they will be more careful with mute button) but I really don’t think it helps you. Different matter if they had said it in writing or to your face.

There's something to be said for not making a fuss since they have to work together going forward. But the remark about the brains would bother me - at the very least, OP should breezily say she knows she wasn't on good form in the call but she had had a sleepless night. That way, at least they know there was a reason for her appearing muddled.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 22:00

I've tried to handle this sort of stuff at work before with the person directly, and it doesn't work. If you're on the same level or below them, they won't care at all. The word needs to come down from higher up in order to put The Fear in them. I was amazed how well it worked when I went to my manager about this kind of thing compared to trying to do it myself.

Trolleysaregoodforemployment · 10/04/2025 21:53

Futurehappiness · 10/04/2025 19:31

I didn't say anything about zero tolerance; just that demeaning comments about women are unacceptable. The OP didn't actually say she was unprofessional on the call or that she wasn't prepared; just that she was below par.

I don't agree it is unacceptable to take the parcel delivery, the OP stated that her company is tolerant of this (as most workplaces probably are - I do this all the time btw and it's fine).

And even if she was unprofessional - these 2 colleagues were more so by an order of magnitude, there are no comparisons to be made. The irony of them criticising the OP's intelligence: just how stupid do you have to be to make sexist comments on a work call?

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There is no order or magnitude here, behaviour on both sides was unprofessional. The OP needs to own their behaviour just as the other attendees need to. They should raise the issue with the other attendees directly, and also take responsibility for their own lack of performance. It's a valuable learning opportunity all round.

I would find it difficult to respect someone who leaves a meeting to answer the door regardless of sex, unless it was an impromptu meeting. I also have a lot more respect for someone who says 'I'm sorry, it has completely escaped my mind' rather that trying to blag an answer.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 21:53

I think you should report it - it was a disgusting thing to say. It also gives you a chance to put the record straight - i.e. that you were short of sleep, not brains. Maybe say you were ill in the night and don't mention your DD, since it's obviously a sexist workplace.

It's not good to have colleagues saying that stuff about you. Report it and make sure everyone knows you weren't on top form.

JorgyPorgy · 10/04/2025 21:36

DisneyTokyoNewbie · 10/04/2025 21:31

Don't email them.until you have decided what you want to do. You will.be giving them a heads up and a chance to get their stories straight before any meetings with HR.

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Good point!
do any techies know if transcription available even without call recording?

Truthseeker456 · 10/04/2025 21:34

TheArcher · 10/04/2025 16:38

I don’t know if I would report it, but I would definitely let them both know that I heard exactly what they said. How nasty.

Me too

DisneyTokyoNewbie · 10/04/2025 21:31

Longhotsummers · 10/04/2025 16:44

Email them letting them know that you heard their very personal comments about you and ask them why they felt that was acceptable, given you were all in a profession setting. They can’t be allowed to think this is normal behaviour or acceptable.

Don't email them.until you have decided what you want to do. You will.be giving them a heads up and a chance to get their stories straight before any meetings with HR.

melmos · 10/04/2025 21:28

TheReturnOfFeathersMcGraw · 10/04/2025 18:03

If you dont want to report them, do as others have said and be 100% on the ball next time, and work in some comment that mirrors enough of what they said for them to recognise it, without actively calling them out on it.

If you tell them directly and suggest you'll be reporting, you'll give them time to come up with a story and cover for themselves

Can't work out how to unquote a post that I did by accident 😊

Dodeedoo · 10/04/2025 21:28

Pottedpalm · 10/04/2025 20:39

No, it’s not acceptable to have an off day to the extent that your performance at work is impacted. Would it be acceptable tor your surgeon to have an off day? Your solicitor? Your gas engineer? Ok for your child’s teacher to pop out to take a call?

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People are human, so it’s likely to happen.

Gardengirl108 · 10/04/2025 21:26

ViaRia01 · 10/04/2025 16:39

It’s all well and good to say report it but…. I would be concerned that it would be your word against theirs. However if I remember correctly you can obtain a transcript of the meeting within MS teams. Maybe someone else can confirm/ give the steps.

Only if the call has been recorded.

Duggeewoof · 10/04/2025 21:22

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 10/04/2025 16:46

They were unprofessional, but everyone talks about each other behind their backs, sometimes it won't be nice. Hand on heart, have you ever made a negative remark about a colleague to another colleague?

You know yourself you were having a bad day and not coming across well. It is what it is. They will have had bad days themselves, no doubt.

I'd send them a short, factual email quoting their exact words and asking for an apology. That transfers all power in the situation back to you. Going forward I imagine you'll find them a lot more easy to deal with.

Completely agree with all of this.

XelaM · 10/04/2025 21:16

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 10/04/2025 16:46

They were unprofessional, but everyone talks about each other behind their backs, sometimes it won't be nice. Hand on heart, have you ever made a negative remark about a colleague to another colleague?

You know yourself you were having a bad day and not coming across well. It is what it is. They will have had bad days themselves, no doubt.

I'd send them a short, factual email quoting their exact words and asking for an apology. That transfers all power in the situation back to you. Going forward I imagine you'll find them a lot more easy to deal with.

I can absolutely categorically say that I have never spoken badly about another colleague during a work Teams call! I would think anyone who did was a complete moron.

TuckedUpInBedWithAPackOfCremeEggs · 10/04/2025 21:06

DisappearingGirl · 10/04/2025 17:46

As for stepping away to take a delivery, everyone does this at my work if it's an internal call and we happen to be working at home. We all work hard in general but there's no point missing a delivery for the sake of 30 seconds.

Yes - but only if you know the people and you haven’t stuffed up the call you’ve been on

bevm72yellow · 10/04/2025 21:04

Totally this. Individual emails. Professional, acknowledging what occurred and calling the behaviour out for what has been said. Ask for an apology which may not be forthcoming but the email is there

Scorchio84 · 10/04/2025 21:03

Toptotoe · 10/04/2025 19:57

I wouldn’t report it but I’d let them know you heard. Tell them you heard what they said and ask them if they need anything clarified as you obviously hadn’t articulated yourself very well in their opinion . . .

I think this is good advice, sorry they were pigs but I don't think I'd be going to HR tbh, as a PP said pick your battles

Zippymonkey · 10/04/2025 20:53

Will you have to work on the upcoming project with them in future op? If the answer is yes, then I’d consider leaving it alone. It’s all well and good people saying they are outraged and you should send emails and/or report them but the reality is that you will have to be the one who sees them, works with them and has to face them afterwards. They aren’t going to be sacked for it so consider how that might feel afterwards.

JorgyPorgy · 10/04/2025 20:53

Pottedpalm · 10/04/2025 20:39

No, it’s not acceptable to have an off day to the extent that your performance at work is impacted. Would it be acceptable tor your surgeon to have an off day? Your solicitor? Your gas engineer? Ok for your child’s teacher to pop out to take a call?

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So should OP have taken a sick day then ?

CautiousLurker01 · 10/04/2025 20:51

treesandsun · 10/04/2025 20:49

They were rude but I wouldn't make a big deal about it - you were probably as unprofessional as they were - not on your A game during a work call (they didn't know the reason) and then you went to answer the front door.
Next meeting I would say - your a heads up - don't assume just because that because someone else is muted - that you are. I heard your comments last time and felt they were unprofessional, commenting on my looks and brains so I would appreciate no further comments like that - moving on.

No amount of poor performance on OP’s behalf justifies comments about it ‘being a good thing she’s a looker’… on a company Teams call.

katycreativa · 10/04/2025 20:50

It's not about sexism anywhere near as it IS about the prejudice and hatred of anyone with any form of "cognitive dysfunction" in life and workplaces, etc face bullying and ridicule from a night of getting to sleep for some to disabilites and having to having to deal with it in the workplace.

OP, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I would probably not bother to take further but you suddenly having to go, might have made them realise you overheard anyway.

treesandsun · 10/04/2025 20:49

They were rude but I wouldn't make a big deal about it - you were probably as unprofessional as they were - not on your A game during a work call (they didn't know the reason) and then you went to answer the front door.
Next meeting I would say - your a heads up - don't assume just because that because someone else is muted - that you are. I heard your comments last time and felt they were unprofessional, commenting on my looks and brains so I would appreciate no further comments like that - moving on.

2021x · 10/04/2025 20:47

Mysgonistic talking about your looks on a company work call, I would complain about that.

About your performance though is a different matter. Maybe you are having an off day, but if it is pretty consistent and is causing issues with their work then I don't think discussing that is out of line. It is really frustrating when people leave calls to answer the door, or to get the dog or cat, especially when they are not firing on all cylinders.

CautiousLurker01 · 10/04/2025 20:45

CautiousLurker01 · 10/04/2025 20:40

Just read your OP out to my DH, who is snr management in a FTSE100 company and he is outraged for you. He is hoping the call was recorded on teams and that, therefore you can download a transcription because it absolutely should be reported.

Glad you find this comment funny @pinkingscissors ‘cos the harassment of women and the unprofessional conduct of men in senior positions - which men like my DH have spent their careers trying to mitigate and eradicate - is seriously fucking funny, isn’t it?

lifeonmars100 · 10/04/2025 20:45

how distressing for you, no, you are not overeacting to their nasty sexist comments. If you feel able to report it then please do so. Whatever you decide I would let them know I heard what they said. It won't stop them being utter pigs but it might make them decide to keep their prejudices inside their limited brains.