Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

For god’s sake don’t apologise to them.

Agree with this. Whether you were having an off day or firing on all cylinders, their comments are completely unacceptable. We really shouldn’t equate “OP wasn’t performing well” with “and therefore she deserved the comments.”

Email them, address their comments - others have put useful templates in their thread.

I didn't say anything about zero tolerance; just that demeaning comments about women are unacceptable. The OP didn't actually say she was unprofessional on the call or that she wasn't prepared; just that she was below par.

I don't agree it is unacceptable to take the parcel delivery, the OP stated that her company is tolerant of this (as most workplaces probably are - I do this all the time btw and it's fine).

And even if she was unprofessional - these 2 colleagues were more so by an order of magnitude, there are no comparisons to be made. The irony of them criticising the OP's intelligence: just how stupid do you have to be to make sexist comments on a work call?

Hmmm. OP’s abilities on the call are probably workplace fair game for them to say the call is hard work. It’s not unprofessional to be tired unless you went on a three-day ketamine binge. People are human. OP has a child: are people with children not allowed to work in case they do something as unprofessional as be affected by having children? You know this is Mumsnet?

And then they go on to say she’s a “looker” and no man would be with her for her brains: there is no poor meeting performance in the known universe that makes it acceptable to talk about men being with you. Like, what? What has OP’s sex life or romantic life got to do with the price of fish? Her appearance is irrelevant; why men might be with her or not is even more so. It’s so far past the line the line is a dot.

Complain. Don't let them get away with this.

^ Yep. I perhaps wouldn't have worded this in exactly the same way, but I agree this is a smarter way to deal with sh*t like this.

Please don't mention your child! It gives misogynists like these two an excuse to say women aren't up to it and would be better at home taking care of their children.

I’d absolutely report it. Horribly unprofessional and outright unkind.

Wont deny I might have a moan to my wife about someone if I have an annoying interaction at work but I’m not thick enough to say things to other professionals or on a teams call for that matter

Are you are saying that misogyny is an acceptable response to under par performance?

Hi Op,

They are totally in the wrong. You have an open goal to take all the power in this so show them what you are made of, rather than reporting them you can send them a polite but clear email calling them out, e.g. below:

Hi X & X,

I just wanted to reach out to you following our call on X. I’m an advocate for an open and transparent workplace and in the context I thought I send over a bit of feedback.

As you may have spotted on the call I wasn’t at my sharpest, this was due to a bad night with my child so apologies if I wasn’t as on my game as I usually am! Please do let me know if there is anything you’d like me to clarify or if you have any further questions.

Towards the end of the call you may remember I dropped off for a minute. When putting my headset back on I was very disappointed to hear the remarks you were making to each other about my performance and my physical appearance. Remarks which I consider totally inappropriate in the workplace.

If you have feedback for me please do let me know what in particular this is as I’m all for open feedback that helps each of us progress in our careers. My feedback to you would be twofold: to assess someone’s abilities over more than one short call and to avoid ever making any remarks about someone’s appearance in the workplace.

Happy to discuss if helpful.

X

Well you weren’t coming across well and it is unprofessional
to be so tired that you were not on top of things. Also unprofessional to answer the door during a meeting. I would say nothing and endeavour to make a better impression next time,

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP.

Best now to think about what you want to achieve with your response.

If it's an apology, and perhaps a bit of remorse/shame from them, then it might actually be more productive (for you) to tackle this directly, but more subtly, but with the support of your line manager. Tell your manager you'd like a face to face meeting with them to informally resolve the issue, but make it clear you expect an apology from them.

Of course, you could go down the HR route, and sometimes this is appropriate. But it comes at a cost for everyone, and the actual process will be taken out of your hands, and you will lose all control of what then happens. It might also not give you what you want - an honest apology - but instead a forced one, if one at all.

Yes, HR is sometimes required, but in my experience it's a lazy or unskilled manager who is immediately on the phone to HR. But if your manager has strength and integrity, HR is often not needed and things like this can be nipped in the bud. Bear in mind that stage 1 of most bullying/harassment policies are, or should be, informal resolution.

Sleep on it, think about what YOU want from this, not what the organisation/your manager/HR wants, and take things from there.

Ooh, goody gumdrops, they complimented her appearance! Isn't she a lucky girlie. Never mind that they sat there and slagged off her perceived intelligence/ability to do the job. Who cares - they think she's pretty!

Zero tolerance works both ways.

Its unprofessional to not be prepared for a work meeting. It's also unprofessional to take a parcel delivery delivery said meeting, especially with people you have not met before.

What the company policy of leaving meetings to collect parcels?

Definitely report it. Disgusting they are.

This.

You were not on your best from and then left a meeting to answer the door...

Poor first impressions all round.

I am depressed at the number of posters who advise the OP to 'just move on' - or worse, think she should 'kill them with kindness' (women should just BeKind after all). Nobody should feel they have to just put up with behaviour like this, which contributes to hostile and demeaning work environment where these kinds of attitudes to women are bandied around.

The OP could have a look at her employer's bullying & harassment policies. This could well be construed as sexual harassment as they have commented on the OP's appearance etc....the law on this has btw been tightened up recently and placed additional responsibility on employers to take reasonable steps to ensure a safe working environment. I can't advise the OP what to do, but if she chooses to report it I would be very surprised if the employer doesn't take it very seriously indeed.

This.
They were rude, but you weren’t doing yourself any favours either, especially leaving the (already rather poor) call to answer the door.

Oh OP that’s so upsetting, sorry. Definitely report this. It’s terrible!

OP - even when not at your best, I suspect you might be more on top of your game than these two idiots will ever be. (Pandemic was five years ago, any competent person knows how to use Teams/Zoom without making a tit of themselves.) I suspect they might even feel threatened by you, hence their obnoxious comments.

I’d mention it to your manager. Don’t admit to any weakness (being tired etc…) Just keep the conversation firmly and solely on their behaviour.

Your company’s response to this will enable you to assess if you want to work with them over the long term.

Sorry this has happened to you.

I'd let it go. You were obviously not coming across well . Not nice to hear and I sympathise but if its a new project surely you need to appear professional and you obviously did not. Just wow them with your brains next call!

i get you're tired, and feeling a bit off, but really.. you need to stand up for yourself here. That is the kind of behaviour that absolutely needs addressing there and then.

You ought to email them both directly, tell them you heard what they said and found it really inappropriate and unprofessional and you expect an apology or you'll escalate it to their managers.

Some of the responses on here are disgusting, the fact this kind of shit is considered 'normal' these days is awful.. i work in the voluntary sector and that kind of casual sexism really isn't acceptable, and certainly not on a professional platform in a business meeting.

This

Tears when you're short of sleep can't always be stopped. Far better to leave a note in the chat and go than cry on screen, surely.