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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to contribute to OH relatives funeral?

135 replies

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:47

So basically my partners grandparent passed away a few weeks ago.

MIL dosent have any money as she relies on benefits and OH’s uncles and aunts don’t have a lot of money spare at such short notice and all have families etc to support.

OH has asked me if I could contribute towards the cost of the funeral as the family simply cant afford it, he will be donating what he can to the funeral.

I have never met this grandparent as the last decade or so he was in residential care due to various health problems.

When OH asked me I said yes without even really thinking about it.

We moved into a house 8 months ago and there are jobs that he/his friends were supposed to do and they have still not been done so I have had to pay a handyman to do them now so my kids have a nice safe house.

This is costing me hundreds and I am paying for
it myself so I have had to tell OH I can’t afford to pay towards the funeral and now he isn’t talking to me and making me feel so bad.

I have brought the kids £100 worth of Easter gifts/baskets and he complained that is too much money and that money could of gone towards the funeral.
OH rarely ever treats the kids and is always telling me off for spending too much money on them despite it being my own money.

AIBU to backtrack on donating towards the funeral?

OP posts:
Hayley1256 · 10/04/2025 20:22

Just to add a burial will cost a lot more and thats if you get a plot

suburberphobe · 10/04/2025 20:22

You could get her the information and show your dp if you want to be 'helpful'

Why the fuck is it OP's responsibility to organise anything?! She has 4 kids to take care of already.

Honestly, we are in 2025 and it seems as if women's liberation has passed all women by. Just for a dick in the house. I despair.

FKAT · 10/04/2025 20:20

Firstly, you don't have to have a funeral at all. The health authorities will dispose of the body. If you do have a memorial service you can have it in a community centre or your own front room - I've been to one in a pub. It doesn't have to be at a church/crematorium etc.

Secondly funerals don't have to cost £5k - that's at the high end I would have thought. My dad's cost less than half that at a beautiful CofE church with a wake at a friend's house - we made the sandwiches and supplied drinks.

I think £25 per kid is a reasonable Easter spend.

Tiswa · 10/04/2025 20:18

Why isn’t he giving money?

does he give you any money?

justasking111 · 10/04/2025 20:17

easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:12

And his grandparent didn’t have any assets, she had been on benefits her whole working life.

She didn’t own any property and rented a house from the council, she has 8 kids and between them they have only got £750 for the funeral OH has just told me and that’s at a push.

OH has just said that they defo want her buried and have a wake afterwards and give her a good send off.

No way can they afford a burial. Tell them to set up a go fund me with friends.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2025 20:16

easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:12

And his grandparent didn’t have any assets, she had been on benefits her whole working life.

She didn’t own any property and rented a house from the council, she has 8 kids and between them they have only got £750 for the funeral OH has just told me and that’s at a push.

OH has just said that they defo want her buried and have a wake afterwards and give her a good send off.

They can have the send off they can afford op, you don't owe him anything towards his grandparents funerals.
I'd seriously start thinking about getting rid of this waster, you and the children deserve better.

Original poster
easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:12

And his grandparent didn’t have any assets, she had been on benefits her whole working life.

She didn’t own any property and rented a house from the council, she has 8 kids and between them they have only got £750 for the funeral OH has just told me and that’s at a push.

OH has just said that they defo want her buried and have a wake afterwards and give her a good send off.

OP posts:
Original poster
easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:09

Thank you all for the advice and suggestions.
I will suggest those to him as I am pretty sure as his mum is on benefits she will be entitled to some help, think she gets PIP as well.

With the kids, I am guilty of always treating them as in my eyes I don’t feel as if OH is much of a father to them.

By that I mean take an active role in the parenting and not just going to the park, or going for a spin in the car which is all he really does and thinks that’s being a good dad.

If it was down to OH the kids would be eating McDonalds every night instead of the healthy dinners I cook them.
He really dosent have a clue.

It’s me who does everything, I buy all the Xmas, birthday, Easter presents etc, washing, cleaning, and keeping on top of everything.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 10/04/2025 19:29

I’d suggest a direct cremation too, they are much cheaper. If his family want a celebration afterwards, they need to fund that. I wouldn’t prioritise another family’s food/drinks over buying my DC Easter eggs. I’ve just spent £25 on each of my 2 DC’s eggs too. £100 between 4 of them doesn’t seem excessive to me.

Silvertulips · 10/04/2025 19:23

You’d be better off with out him.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 19:22

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:56

Yes OH is very lazy, he dosent parent our kids and I do everything.

He earns way more than me as well, like triple.

The flat packs have been sat here for months, he won’t even put a curtain rail up in our youngest sons room.

If he earns triple what you do, why can't he afford to pay for the funeral?

FortyElephants · 10/04/2025 19:20

DinoLil · 10/04/2025 17:19

The cost of the funeral will surely come out of the estate??

Edited

You know some people die without £5000 in the bank and no assets right??

FortyElephants · 10/04/2025 19:20

Why would the funeral cost £5000 not including the wake? My mum's cost £4k including the wake. My dad got £1800 towards it due to being on pension credits.

TheHerboriste · 10/04/2025 19:18

Naunet · 10/04/2025 16:00

He sounds like a lazy, entitled prick. It's not your job to pay for someone funeral that you've never even met, of course your priority is your kids. What is this man adding to your life?

This.
Why are they all so shiftless??

Calamitousness · 10/04/2025 19:17

If the next of kin is his mum then she will get benefits to pay for the funeral. I know there is a fund you can apply for if you are on benefits. I used to give people the forms when dealing with newly bereaved families. It will only pay for the funeral though and not the food/bar after. Is that what they’re seeking funds for?

notatinydancer · 10/04/2025 19:07

DinoLil · 10/04/2025 17:19

The cost of the funeral will surely come out of the estate??

Edited

There isn’t one.

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2025 18:24

My Mums funeral was less than £5000 and we didn't scrimp on anything.
They can't afford a £5000 funeral and you shouldn't have agreed to contribute, especially since he earns more than you and its his family anyway
He sounds pretty awful in many ways and this is just the tip of the iceberg

scotstars · 10/04/2025 18:19

I'd be reminding your partner how much you have spent on tradespeople due to being let down by him and his friends. That could have gone to the funeral

ChickenBananas · 10/04/2025 18:16

Tell them to get a paupers public health funeral. Will be free.

scotstars · 10/04/2025 18:16

MIL.should be entitled to funeral grant if she is on certain benefits and is person responsible for organising a funeral

AprilShowers25 · 10/04/2025 18:01

Obviously the body needs burying or cremating but I think the other associated costs for a funeral are unnecessary, paying hundreds for flowers for example, I just don’t see the point!

Cadenza12 · 10/04/2025 17:46

Firstly a funeral really doesn't need to be £5k. Secondly public funds may be available for those who can't afford it. Tell them to look into it. Looks like you're being taken for a ride.

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2025 17:45

LlynTegid · 10/04/2025 17:23

You lost my support when you said about the £100 on Easter eggs.

£25 per child on an egg and some toys isn't that extravagant

Some people buy toys all through the year. Maybe the OP chooses to do it on 'special' days like Easter

That's what we've always done

Doesn't mean they're drowning in chocolate

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2025 17:43

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:59

We have 4 kids and it’s just personalised baskets, Easter eggs and a few toys really.
The last set of baskets got lost when we moved home.

OH is saying the funeral will be like £5,000 and not including the cost of the wake.

His mom is on benefits but I think her siblings work.

Why are you with him?