Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

I think I would say to SIL ‘Chris is beside himself with worry about your Mum for the week we’re away. I’m worried he won’t be able to relax on this holiday. This is our second holiday in 11years and is costing us an arm and a leg. I have to say I’m astounded you’ve booked the same week. One bloody week, out of the whole year!

I think you need to send a written group message to both your DH and your SIL and ask them point blank what plans are in place for MIL's care since SIL has decided to go away at the same time as your own long-booked holiday and your DH doesn't think this is an issue.

You can't just leave her in the house, alone, with no support. Not an option. So what is their plan exactly.

She's got dementia and doesn't have professional carers? Instead her two children are running themselves ragged caring for her? She needs carers. This is a good opportunity to get them in and get her used to them.

we Booked my DM into a private home for a month because we (siblings and our families) were all going ito a family wedding abroad and tagging on holidays; DM had had covid and we didn’t think she would manage very well without us. She liked it so much she decided to stay - which might well be a result for you guys

Respite care sounds like it would be a good solution for this, and potentially pave the way for future developments as her care needs become increasingly complex. My mum used to work in a council run respite care home and many people used it just for a break from caring responsibilities. All residents were treated with the utmost respect - it was managed more like a hotel to be honest, so the residents still had a good sense of freedom, privacy of own rooms etc.

Can you not suggest MIL goes 'on holiday' to respite care? That way you ALL get a break.

If you booked first, it’s up to SIL to sort her out.

I also agree with the "done to force the issue" posters. I also think that you have made your position clear and now its in your DH's court. Honestly having been there both personally and professionally, my sympathy is with SIL. I voted YABU because you seem to think that SIL is in the wrong here.

What does your DH want? You haven't said in your OP.

I agree with other posters who have suggested this a deliberate move from SIL to force the issue of residential care. It sounds like your DH has been resisting this move and hence SIL has engineered this crisis.
Also agree that is not your problem to solve. Accept that your holiday is likely to be interrupted and make plans of your own so that you can enjoy your time away. Don’t discuss it any more with DH or SIL. Let whatever is going to happen, happen. It’s not your mum, so it’s not your decision.

I think from your op it’s the sister who does most of the work. She might have decided that enough is enough and becoming a problem to your husband so that everyone has to pull together to find a solution. There’s a reason why she booked it at the same time.

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it .

There seems to be a step missing there, surely he recognises that MIL will not be able to cope without the level of support him and SIL are providing, so what does he suggest while you are all away, just go and leave her?? Then fly back the next day when she needs something, that's not viable so what is his plan??

On a separate note, Surely her calls and texts are a way of life now for you both, it isn't really something you can switch off from completely, so I'd be getting a bit annoyed at you too if you kept going on about it, it's pretty unavoidable given the circumstances.

The answer is to get her into temporary care for the two/three weeks before and after you get back, it sounds like she is getting to that stage anyway to be fair.

I wonder is SIL thinks she should be in care, but your DH doesn't and that is why she has forced this issue?

You know you’re right. You said so and your opinion wasn’t well received.

Have a great holiday! Make sure you’ve got your passport and money/credit cards for when your DH flies back. And make plans for what you can do alone for that portion of the holiday.

There are two care options.... full hoard respite so she moves into care or respite who visit her. My friend MIL was similar she went into respite while they went on holiday liked it that much and felt safe, she never left. Has been a relief for all concerned.

What does your DH want to do?

Personally, if she were my Mum I would arrange respite residential care for her. I know it won't be cheap but at least you will all know that she is well cared for and her needs are being met whilst you all have a well earned break. DH and SIL can fund this between themselves surely??

Organise the care via the council. I had to do it recently and it was via adult social care on my local council website, they were able to organise care within the week and it was simple

You have to look at it as if you were not around, you are not carers, and you may be unavailable (and that's ok).

Be pragmatic but stick to your guns that mums care shouldn't impact your lives. It's safer for her to have the proper assessed care she needs rather than sticky plasters and stress.

So what is DH's solution then? Is he suggesting that he and SIL both go away and don't put anything in place at all? Given the level of support they're currently giving, that sounds crazy!

Pop over to the elderly parents board on here for plenty of advice from people in the thick of it. What your DH and SIL are doing in caring for their mum is not a sustainable solution long term, and both will burn out. MIL needs to get used to professional carers now which she has enough capacity to understand, so that as her needs increase the amount of care can also increase without her being distressed by “strangers in the house”.

Credit to your DH for not leaving it all to his sister, but something in your post suggests to me that he also isn’t facing up to the reality of his mums prognosis, and the impact on the whole family - including you!

TBH by the time someone has dementia, it’s usually too late for a massively confusing and disorienting move to sheltered accommodation. And all too often the person only has to be moved again quite soon, since they’re e.g, repeatedly locking themselves out, and/or bothering other residents by knocking on doors at 2 am etc.

So… the SIL knew the dates and just booked it anyway? What did she think would happen?

In similar circumstances, we had good experience with https://care.country-cousins.co.uk

hope you find a resolution. Agree with PP that this is a DH problem, don’t get involved so you can be painted as the bad guy.

Respite care is the answer. BTW frequent phone calls, often repetitive, about lost remotes and all sorts, are so common with dementia. My DM used to phone to say her remote wasn’t working - she’d been trying to turn the TV on with the phone. And so many similar.
TBH there often comes a point with dementia when 24/7 care is needed, which means a care home. TBH we put it off with DM until she simply wasn’t safe to be left alone at all any more, but it’s such a massive decision, involving so much agonising.

He has a sister problem. But maybe it's her way of forcing a conversation about what their mother actually needs going forward because he won't do anything about it?

Do you think SIL has deliberately booked the same dates to try and force the issue of professional carers?

Maybe your DH doesn’t listen to her in the same way he won’t listen to you, and she’s had enough.