Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

Your dh's mum has a disease which means she needs support and care.

Your dh and his dsis cannot responsibly go on holiday without making sure those care and safeguarding needs are meet in their absence.

How they do that is not your problem. If they do both plan to leave her, tell them you will phone adult social services and report her as being vulnerable and a safe guarding concern.

My dh and BIL struggled to accept their gran needed professional support as they wanted to help her as much as they could but with everyone working fulltime it wasn't enough, and think they were in denial about how bad she was getting as some days she was fine (no inheritance to speak of so it wasn't money orientated) and she didn't want to have strangers in. It was a nurse neighbour that, in hindsight thankfully, took the decision out of their hands by reporting.

Surely it's up to SIL to sort out her own cock up ?

Attendance allowance no way covers respite.... Maximum is just over 100£ weekly.

Respite is a minimum of ten times this!

I would make sympathetic noises but dont get involved, watch & see what they do but let them get on with it.

Well yes, this is a factor.... @Souredgrapes what is the labour division?

I’d tell him that he needs to put something in place to ensure that the holiday isn’t ruined. If for any reason he leaves you there that wasn’t totally unavoidable (I.e not brought on by the lack of carers) then you will have to seriously reconsider your place in his life, because he obviously doesn’t value you or respect your opinion. Or your need for a holiday - without worry - together.

And one of them sees MIL every day - let me guess which one that is?

So they're both planning to leave her without any care? That is truly awful behaviour, are they trying to preserve their inheritance or something? I don't know if there's much you can do about it, but you're not the one coming across as horrible in the situation.

You need to let her children come to the conclusion for themselves. Even if you're right (which you probably are) they won't appreciate your input. At least one of them is in denial. Maybe this is how it comes to a head.

YABU to approach your sil to state to obvious to her. She either knows or she doesn't want to know.

Find a care home that your MIL can have for respite. She can pay for it,

we had to do this when I gave birth ( was in hospital for more than a week with complications) - we knew elderly relative was safe, and only responded to the care home staff!

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

If that's what SIL has planned & your husband isn't happy with it then I think it's on him to organise what he is happy with.

Why would it be down to you?

It’s up to DH and SIL. If they don’t care, leave it.

I would suggest to DH that he organises care for MIL, but that’s as far as I would go. On holiday I would say no phones other than a few checks a day.

If he comes back early, let him. His choice. You can’t control this. Stay behind and enjoy yourself.

I'd say it isn't. None of us know what they are really having to do and respite and/or ongoing care need to be discussed regardless.

I'd leave him and his sister get on with it. Don't get involved. He will only resent you for voicing an opinion.

SiL has multiple holidays a year.OP hasn’t had one for 11 years. I’d say that’s enough information for a judgement.

It could depend on location. Worth asking though.

I'd sort of assumed that the DH and the SiL might be able to pay what will be a hefty bill for 10 days, but yes, other saying its ridiculous are right, it should be accessible to all.

When respite was available here it was charged at the same rate as full time care - around £800 per week. Attendance allowance wouldn’t even cover half. My mum gets LA home based care - one hour a day and pays nearly £200 a week. Some posters need to wake up to the reality of a broken system.

In my area, you can approach any private home and ask if they have space for a respite care period - they normally keep some beds to rent out, on a sort of "hotel with care" type basis. My friend had to send her husband to one and she chose a lovely one, albeit expensive, where he got wine with his dinner and a choice of newspaper with breakfast, that sort of set up whilst also having 24 hour carers. He was told he was on holiday, which seemed to reassure him.

But yeah, SiL sounds like a bitch - what's the story there OP? are you not going to challenge her? or rather let your DH challenge her? Things are only going to get worse with MiL so ground rules need setting.

Attendance Allowance is something like £70 a week. Respite care in a decent care home is hundreds of pounds a week. My FIL was paying £700 a week back in 2002.

You wouldn't get anything for £70 per week. Not that would be worth having.

Hi OP, I care for DH who has Lewy Bodies dementia. I think it depends very specifically on how advanced the dementia is and also what your MIL is prepared to accept. For a while, when I was working I had carers in for 2/3 hours at lunch time, I purchased an emergency pendant- the type where you can press and summon emergency help and I also had cameras throughout the house. I also had a wedge of trackers that would let me know and follow if DH left the house. In frankness this still left me nervous, but it worked for a period and did allow DH more freedom than he otherwise would have had. It does depend though what your DMIL will allow

Love this. Respite care is like rocking horse shit. Care homes are taking up the role of halfway house between hospital and home to prevent people bed blocking in hospitals. Respite here is nigh on impossible unless you qualify for NHS continuing care or hospice care.

Agree with this. Also re *As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion *
In what way are you coming across 'tense' do you mean you're telling SIL she has to do what you tell her?

She needs respite care. She’s not safe to be left and apart from anything else you wouldn’t enjoy a holiday, knowing she may be at risk
i think DH is in denial It’s really hard to face our parents becoming frail
I lived with my Mum as she had brittle diabetes and when I had DS2 she went for respite in a care home
i I felt guilty but she had a great time
Circumstances change and we have to accept them
Perhaps MiL could think about sheltered housing either bought or rented from council?