Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

Why is she going to your house for SIL to wash her? I can't see how this is sustainable, especially for sil! Physical job of.being a nurse, plus being the personal carer for her dm. What tasks does her son do?

With my mum I arranged a care agency "to help with housework once a week".
Mum liked them. She now has them twice a week, the second visit is for 2 hours to take her out to the shops and to Marks and Sparks for lunch. It's added hugely to her life, meeting different people, chatting about their kids and stuff.
I've just started getting them to take her to doctors appts.
Honestly I am stressed about her deteriorating but at least spending her money on this helps.
I really want to go abroad for a couple of weeks and might do if the carers can come regularly.

Re: respite care.

Before my husband had his stroke, Mum's social worker organised respite for her so that DH and I could go on holiday abroad.

The morning we dropped Mum off at the home, the (local authority) home manager asked where we were gong. I told her.

"Oh no! That's unacceptable! There must be a contact in this country."

"But I'm an only child. That's why I need the respite..."

"No. You can't go if there's no one here."

I phoned a cousin in England. She was about to leave on holiday that morning...

"Give me ten minutes..."

God bless her, she phoned her daughter and the daughter agreed to be the contact.

Just mentioning this in case anyone else experiences the same.

Tell her now she will be going into respite care later in the year as ye all need a well earned holiday and let her get her head around it in the next few months

What a horrendous thing for you to day.

My caring duties began when I was 36 yrs old. They ended when I was 60. For some people I know, their experience as a carer was longer.

Carer burnout does no one any good.

At the point where I was caring for one adult with physical problems and dementia and another with stroke related conditions, a HCP loftily informed me that it was no different from her situation - working full time (as I did until I was 58) and looking after two (healthy) children. Believe you me - it's very different.

Healthy children generally become more independent. Frail adults do not.

How about your DH and his sister getting private carers in for 4 visits a day? In reality if your mil doesn’t want them they can go away. If she needs them, they will have the legal stuff in place to let themselves in, call an ambulance, things like that.

The very best scenario would be you all come back from your holidays and the care company say ‘we knocked on the door four times a day, she told us to go away’. But she’s safe. And if she’s not safe they do something.

If something happens when you are away, under what circumstances will your DH fly home? If she falls, someone needs to call for an ambulance. What can he do by flying back? What sort of situations might happen? Are there any other relatives who can be on call eg grandchildren?

Apologies again @Souredgrapes, having started to work backwards from my post above, I can already see on this page the extra difficulties you all face (of course I include you, you are hardly living in a vacuum, and not personally effected by all of this!). As I haven't even got as far as the top of this page - page 5 - yet, I wonder if your DMiL wears one of those emergency call buttons around her neck? I also wondered if she could manage on a stair lift independently, even if not, she might prefer to have one installed so that she could still bathe in her own bathroom, and potentially still sleep in her own bedroom? Sorry again if this has already been covered... 💐

Why? Is DH unable to talk to his sister?

I cared for both my parents and my husband. Believe me, some form of respite is essential.

Sounds like you have never been in the position of having to care for an adult with increasing and complex health needs.

I absolutely can imagine myself in this situation in years to come and absolutely don't want to be a burden on my children. I'll have carers or use respite care so that they can have their lives without having to wash me and wipe my arse.

Many of us on here have been in that very difficult situation (including me). Sometimes a break is absolutely essential to preserve sanity and that is where carers or respite care come in, even if they might not be known to the person.

Yes. We organised extra carers for my late mother. We used the same agency that was subcontracted to the local council/SS.

In my relative's case, I think there's denial on her part as to how well she can manage at home. Fortunately, her injury will heal - but in her place I'd have booked myself into a care home. (I'm in my 60s and widowed.)

I've already told my relatives that I'm happy to go into respite care if the need arises.

Yes I can and I will not become a burden to my children, I will not enforce myself onto their life so they don’t feel able to go away on holiday or have a break from me.
I want them to spend time with me not caring for me, I don’t want a house falling apart around me because I can no longer look after it making it difficult to sell.

There are in between options, some really good residential flats that offer support and own space that I will go to

And everyone was stunned when I had a nervous breakdown caring for mum. Including me.

actually "roll with it" is a great idea if care is put in place.

I don’t think you have a MIL or a DH problem. The problem is your SIL. She knew but she went ahead anyway. Does she have some sort of power over your DH.

Personally I wouldn’t leave MIL in the care of strangers unless I trusted them. She needs help. Can you imagine yourself in years to come?

I can’t believe how many people feel a holiday comes before family. And no she’s not your mother but she is your DHs and that should mean something.

we all get old one day. Would you spend it with family or shutting a care home for convience sake?

your SIL is the only dick here.

Yes, my MIL did the endless phone calls that last few months with us. OP, you have to get respite care, and please go on holiday with your DH and take a break. It is really essential, as caring is really a difficult job.

. It is also possible to get a plan where carers will pop by a few times a day to make sure meds are being taken, there is lunch, that sort of thing. We did this because otherwise it would have been impossible for MIL to stay in her own home where she was happiest. Your DH and SIL cannot think they can care for your MIL forever, particularly as her dementia gets worse.

When I worked for a care agency I visited many elderly people who arranged their own care (well normally their adult DC did ) and didn’t go via social services.

We have done this. Professional careers or a temporary ‘holiday’ to a care home. Absolutely essential. It’s basic safeguarding, so you know she has immediate support if she has a fall or any other problem. He’s negligent to think he can help her from a distance.

If there is money for respite/cover carers then that's what needs to be done!
Or is MIL refusing to pay? SIL physically washes her DM is she washing independently in your shower?

Sorry @Souredgrapes, I have done something that I hardly ever do, and it is definitely frowned upon by a lot of Mumsnetters - including me - I have only read your opening post, so I don't know if anyone else has already suggested what I am about to suggest!

Anyway, to my comment: When we had my wonderful Mum move in with us because she was bedridden and disabled, and I really didn't want her to go into a home - she had gone way beyond what any mother could be expected to do for their adult child, when I had gone through a very difficult time when one of my children was a newborn and their Dad left us - So I contacted my DM's Social Worker as my D2ndH and I really needed a week off, two or three times a year, which was always in the UK as it was more about us recharging our batteries than anything else.

My DM's Social Worker could, and did, arrange for my DM to go into respite care for the week. It was in a very nice nursing home, and the local council paid for the respite care as my Mum needed 24 hour care, and we couldn't have afforded the care home prices ourselves. So, please ask your DH or DSiL to register their DM with her local Social Services Senior Care Social Worker, if she isn't already, and see if that service is still provided - this was about 17 years ago when the Country was going through a previous financial crises. Good luck OP, it sounds like you and your DH really need and deserve your holiday, so I really hope that you can convince your DH, even though I did find it really difficult to leave my Mum at all, but please reassure him that it will get easier 🙏 xx

NB: It was cheaper for the Council to pay for 2 or 3 weeks respite care a year, than to have to pay for her to be in one full-time. By the way, my Mum did own her house - in her name only - but my DDad still lived in it, so she couldn't have sold it to pay for her fees even if she was in full-time residential care.

A relative who lives in the north of England is perfectly compos mentis, but has been discharged home after an ankle and foot injury.

Her bed and a commode have been placed in her living room.

I found out yesterday that she had to phone the next door neighbour to come and lift her after she fell off the commode that SS supplied. It has been deemed that she can cope with the help of neighbours and with carers popping in with food during the day.

She does have two adult children, but they both live many miles away.