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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

233 replies

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 14:01

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

OP posts:

StScholastica · 10/04/2025 21:34

Ixoral · 10/04/2025 21:28

Yes

Show quote history

I'm surprised any stairlift installer agreed to that.

Elderflower14 · 10/04/2025 21:32

Respite in a care home??

sprigatito · 10/04/2025 21:30

As a full time carer to an 84yo with Alzheimer’s, I’m so angry for you. I love my dad fiercely and am happy to care for him, but if I were offered the chance of a holiday without him, I would jump at it like a drowning woman after a life belt - the idea of it then being ruined because of what amounts to complete selfishness is just awful. Your SIL is a disgrace and your DH isn’t much better. Stick to your guns - you are going on this holiday and you are going to enjoy it.

Ixoral · 10/04/2025 21:28

StScholastica · 10/04/2025 21:21

Do you mean a stairlift?
For a patient with dementia?

Show quote history

Yes

Yesterdaywassunny · 10/04/2025 21:22

I think this is your opportunity to get a carer to come visit a couple of times a day. My Dad had been very resistant to anyone coming in, but agreed when I went on holiday - I guilted him into it, saying it was for my piece of mind, I worried he wouldn't eat well or get out for walks.

Once he had a carer go in, he was fine with it - she made sure he took his medication, had a hot meal, went to the shops with him etc.

I think you should do this with your MIL, if you think she'd be safe with someone going in a couple of times a day.

Alternatively you could try respite again, for complete peace of mind. Could you tell her it's only while you're all away, you want to make sure she's not lonely while you're away, you all feel so bad that you'll be away etc.

I think you're doing a huge amount, your DH and SIL too. Your MIL probably doesn't realise how lucky she is to have you all.

StScholastica · 10/04/2025 21:21

Ixoral · 10/04/2025 21:06

We made adaptations to the house for my elderly mother with dementia.
Chair lift
grab handles
replaced bath with walk in shower
life line call emergency pendant
carers attending during the day
keysafe

It works well, she stays in her own home, she has company and practical help from the carers and takes some pressure off family

It is difficult juggling everything if there is no outside help.
The last thing anyone needs is resentment or burn out of anyone whether that’s towards the person in need of help or family trying to provide the help whilst still having other commitments/family responsibilities/care of own self/breaks away.

Do you mean a stairlift?
For a patient with dementia?

StScholastica · 10/04/2025 21:20

crockofshite · 10/04/2025 14:06

Contact social services and arrange for respite care.

Social services won't help if the client or the family have the means to self fund.
You have a few options:
Just check out a few care agencies and see what would work best. Personally, I'd go live in carer.

Ixoral · 10/04/2025 21:06

It works well, she stays in her own home, she has company and practical help from the carers and takes some pressure off family

JorgyPorgy · 10/04/2025 21:06

Mnetcurious · 10/04/2025 21:00

Yanbu, I would be absolutely raging at SIL and insisting that she cancel her holiday.

This

Mnetcurious · 10/04/2025 21:00

Yanbu, I would be absolutely raging at SIL and insisting that she cancel her holiday.

Original poster

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 21:00

@CaptainFuture . No I don’t . If DH can do it he does . If he can’t , he asks and I will step in if I can .

OP posts:

rainbowunicorn · 10/04/2025 20:57

CaptainFuture · 10/04/2025 20:21

Why is she going to your house for SIL to wash her? I can't see how this is sustainable, especially for sil! Physical job of.being a nurse, plus being the personal carer for her dm. What tasks does her son do?

Show quote history

If you bothered to read the OPs updates you would know that the care is split evenly.

crockofshite · 10/04/2025 20:55

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 20:36

Do you really need to use foul aggressive language to get your point across?

Show quote history

Foul? Aggressive?

Bit touchy??

RTFT= read the full thread.

Yes I forgive you for your outburst.

Original poster

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 20:51

Those discussing who is washing MIL , obviously Mil doesn’t want DH to wash her so SIL does it . SIl is a nurse who works 1 to 2 days a week in an admin role now. DH works full time in shifts so does what he can around his shifts . This includes emptying her commode although he would rather not . He’s 100 per cent invested in her care . To put it in perspective , MILs garden fence blew down a few weeks ago , DH fixed it as he was the right man for the job .

OP posts:

JorgyPorgy · 10/04/2025 20:49

Ask SIL what she will do to ensure MIL is looked after while you’re all away ? Because she knew you’d already booked holiday and she would be the one looking after MIL? See what she says. Tell her she needs to sort it out

Thirteeneggs · 10/04/2025 20:44

You could also employ a carer to live in for the time you're away. It's not cheap (but not much more expensive than respite).We had to do it recently and our carers were amazing.

Tagyoureit · 10/04/2025 20:43

Topseyt123 · 10/04/2025 16:11

Why do you think SIL is a tit? You don't have enough information to make that judgement definitively.

SIL sounds like she is working just as hard at looking after their mother as her brother is (OP's DH). She might be reaching the end of her tether and need to force a discussion about a care home or carers if her brother hasn't been open to that. This is one way to do that if he otherwise isn't listening.

Show quote history

SIL is a tit for booking a "couldn't resist" holiday when she already goes away 2 to 4 times a year, every year and knowing it would be at the exact same time as OP's holiday which her 3rd in over a decade!!

Massive tit with a tassle on!!

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 20:36

crockofshite · 10/04/2025 20:24

If you can't be bothered to RTFT at the very least read OPs updates before commenting.

Show quote history

Do you really need to use foul aggressive language to get your point across?

DemonsandMosquitoes · 10/04/2025 20:36

Respite care leading to permanent. I hope I never let my adult children live like this.

CaptainFuture · 10/04/2025 20:35

@Souredgrapes that's good, but is it you that takes on the physical caring when SiL is away?

Original poster

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 20:33

Zippityjumpingbean · 10/04/2025 18:21

Hang on though, I can see how SIL could be painted as the bad guy here but actually my understanding of this is that DH and SIL both share care yet DH (and Op) chose to book a holiday and then tell SIL that she would be doing 💯 of the care for those ten days.
wouldn’t it have been better to discuss first, check SIL was happy to take on DH caring duties too and then book?

I wonder if she’s booked a holiday the same week because dumping duties on her is a bit of a habit?

anyway, apart from that I agree with PP you need some sort of professional carers now.

Show quote history

This is not how our family work . Sil tells us when she’s away and DH steps up . We go away a fraction of the time SIL takes time away. That’s just the nature of our different life styles.

OP posts:

CaptainFuture · 10/04/2025 20:32

crockofshite · 10/04/2025 20:24

If you can't be bothered to RTFT at the very least read OPs updates before commenting.

Show quote history

Whoa there Trigger... that I have! From ops own post I do believe SiL physically helps MIL to wash her hair and supports her to wash and dry her own body . SIL is a nurse . When Mil comes here to wash , DH picks them both up and takes them home again who's the 'them' if not the DM and SIL?

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/04/2025 20:29

Healthy children generally become more independent. Frail adults do not.

One of the hardest parts of my DM's dementia was the contrast between her and my toddler DC.

crockofshite · 10/04/2025 20:24

CaptainFuture · 10/04/2025 20:21

Show quote history

If you can't be bothered to RTFT at the very least read OPs updates before commenting.

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/04/2025 20:22

I'm sorry to say but you all know this situation will only get worse. Of course your MiL doesn't want more help, she's got family running round after her. But, she doesn't have a choice. However sympathetic DH is to his sister, he's not the one physically bathing his parent. Nobody is getting what they want, which is MiL healthy, safe and independent. What's the next best option?

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