Page 3 | Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

Souredgrapes · 2025-04-10T13:01:05+00:00

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine . DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days . SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently . I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support . DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion . I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her. AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

nolongersurprised · 11/04/2025 02:47

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 22:13

@LadyLapsang . There is no easy option for a wet room in MILs home unless we build it in the corner of her dining room or such like . DH brings her in a very comfortable Kia Sportage to access our down stairs walk in shower . SIl comes as Mil doesn’t want to be naked in front of her son . The whole evolution is usually combined with lunch and is seen as a trip out for MIL . These are the things MIL will miss out on for several days when both are away . This is what concerns me.

Driving your MIL to your house for a shower - SIL in tow - is one of those family arrangements that may seem normal at the time, but is, frankly, a bit bonkers (and unsustainable).

AngelicKaty · 10/04/2025 23:20

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 19:32

I absolutely do not believe SIL engineered this situation . It’s not like her at all . She loves her Mum and she and DH get alone great. It’s like it happened so everyone’s gone Hey Ho , let’s roll with it .

If you don't believe that SIL did this deliberately, what do you think happened? I mean, you and DH gave SIL the dates you would be away and she then booked a holiday for exactly the same dates - how could she have done that accidentally? What explanation has she given for this?
If your MIL won't go into respite care and will text your DH endlessly in between carers' visits if she stays in her own home, it's clear to me that the only answer is for your SIL to change her holiday dates so you and DH can enjoy your special holiday and then SIL can enjoy hers later. I really think your DH is being unreasonable by not talking to his sister and getting this resolved quickly - you should not be made to feel like the "baddie" in this situation, which is not of your making, and I really hope you can get this resolved satisfactorily for all your sakes.

ReplacementBusService · 10/04/2025 23:05

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 22:45

@WallaceinAnderland . That’s the problem . There is no clear plan . This is why I’m in disbelief.

when I said they are leaving her to the good will of friends ( one friend to be exact ) and neighbours that’s exactly what I meant.

The friend is lovely and great support in addition to DH and SIL but in no way would be expected to fill such a huge void. I actually anticipate this lady will end up also texting everyday with issues and problems and who could blame her . There are a couple of young adult grandchildren but they work long full time hours and have already pushed back on stepping in on previous gaps in care.

In summary, it sounds like in the nicest way, your DH and SIL are slight blind to their mum's needs and how much they're relied on. Healthcare professionals can be the worst for this, in terms of just getting on with the job. They might not fully appreciate or want to comprehend how much they do or are relied on and what a gap that will leave if neither are available.

Can you engineer a test scenario where you and DH go away for the weekend in the UK and a miniature crisis that doesn't require a plane flight or ruining a big holiday might occur

Evilspiritgin · 10/04/2025 22:56

I suppose they feel like getting their mum-help in , is letting her down, which it’s not.

There is no dignity in being driven to get a shower, there really should be something in place for her at home

Nominative · 10/04/2025 22:50

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 19:32

I absolutely do not believe SIL engineered this situation . It’s not like her at all . She loves her Mum and she and DH get alone great. It’s like it happened so everyone’s gone Hey Ho , let’s roll with it .

That's actually not a bad approach so long as rolling with it includes a plan for emergencies that does not include you or your husband coming back from holiday, and so long as his phone is kept turned off.

Original poster

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 22:45

@WallaceinAnderland . That’s the problem . There is no clear plan . This is why I’m in disbelief.

when I said they are leaving her to the good will of friends ( one friend to be exact ) and neighbours that’s exactly what I meant.

The friend is lovely and great support in addition to DH and SIL but in no way would be expected to fill such a huge void. I actually anticipate this lady will end up also texting everyday with issues and problems and who could blame her . There are a couple of young adult grandchildren but they work long full time hours and have already pushed back on stepping in on previous gaps in care.

OP posts:

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 22:42

Ixoral · 10/04/2025 22:35

I’m not in any way knocking your current arrangements
or who does what but there’s a heck of a lot more to dealing with an elderly parent. The enormous strain to everyone whether directly or indirectly. Let’s face it, non of us ‘children’ are getting any younger ourselves, blink & we’ll end up before we know it needing carers.
Who does the washing, changing bed, shopping & general housework?

It really does sound like you’re all struggling through as best you can. Perhaps it’s time for everyone to re evaluate and reach out for other help to ease the strain on you all. It really does help and is beneficial for family to have the visits as more a social visit than as a carer role visit.

I agree it doesn’t sound sustainable in the long term but the OP probably knows this already, it’s a lot of pressure for all concerned and the MIL sounds like a difficult patient

venusandmars · 10/04/2025 22:38

@Souredgrapes my heart goes out to you. Been in a similar situation with PILs.

There was a crisis once when dh was with MIL and for complex reasons he ended up staying and being her personal carer for weeks.

Carers were arranged but MIL would refuse a shower - "my son/daughter is coming at the weekend and they will do it". I think that in a situation where MIL things were less and less in MIL's control (what time she got up, what she ate etc), the ONLY control she had some days was to refuse to go in the shower or to change her knickers.

dh and siblings were at their wits ends.

babyproblems · 10/04/2025 22:38

She needs professional care - this isn’t sustainable as it is, and you’d all be better off making this change before things become untenable and you end up doing it in a panic / or there’s some sort of huge catalyst like a big fall or health event that requires very swift action to save her life. I would suggest starting to organise it all now and get everyone on the same page..

Ixoral · 10/04/2025 22:35

I’m not in any way knocking your current arrangements
or who does what but there’s a heck of a lot more to dealing with an elderly parent. The enormous strain to everyone whether directly or indirectly. Let’s face it, non of us ‘children’ are getting any younger ourselves, blink & we’ll end up before we know it needing carers.
Who does the washing, changing bed, shopping & general housework?

It really does sound like you’re all struggling through as best you can. Perhaps it’s time for everyone to re evaluate and reach out for other help to ease the strain on you all. It really does help and is beneficial for family to have the visits as more a social visit than as a carer role visit.

Original poster

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 22:31

@StrangerThings1 . Moving the holiday would be next impossible . I’m self employed and I’m fully booked with private clients until October . We would lose most of eight thousand pounds plus the dog / house sitting fees most likely .

OP posts:

Topseyt123 · 10/04/2025 22:30

Ixoral · 10/04/2025 21:41

It was installed before dementia was diagnosed due to age/mobility and easier accessing her bedroom/bathroom and she’s perfectly fine still using it.

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OK, I see that now. I hope it continues to be useful for a while. It's something to keep watch on though. They really can cause bad injuries.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 10/04/2025 22:28

Topseyt123 · 10/04/2025 22:25

I'm a little surprised too. I mean, I'm glad it seems to be working well, but can you be absolutely certain that a person with dementia or other cognitive decline would remember to use the stairlift?

That would be my worry there. Or that they might not use it safely. One of my mother's friends was recently injured as she fell off her stairlift. Don't know really how it happened and the lady doesn't even have dementia, but things can go wrong with them. I'd have thought problems were even more likely with dementia patients.

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Stairlift injuries are horrific. They wouldn’t install for a known dementia patient as the risk of misuse and catastrophic injury is high.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 10/04/2025 22:26

CaptainFuture · 10/04/2025 22:18

Would you look at a move to sheltered housing?

I don’t think people with diagnosed dementia can move to sheltered housing.

Topseyt123 · 10/04/2025 22:25

StScholastica · 10/04/2025 21:34

I'm surprised any stairlift installer agreed to that.

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I'm a little surprised too. I mean, I'm glad it seems to be working well, but can you be absolutely certain that a person with dementia or other cognitive decline would remember to use the stairlift?

That would be my worry there. Or that they might not use it safely. One of my mother's friends was recently injured as she fell off her stairlift. Don't know really how it happened and the lady doesn't even have dementia, but things can go wrong with them. I'd have thought problems were even more likely with dementia patients.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/04/2025 22:24

OP you still haven't said what your DH's plan is. Is he intending to leave her to fend for herself?

Original poster

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 22:20

@LadyLapsang . No one keeps a tally on who does what . SIl takes many more days away than DH does . DH works full time , SIl does not. SIl stays over with MiL from time to time . When she does , I generally stop in after work to keep SIL company for a few hours . DH works 12 hour shifts and fits his caring duties by leaving early and seeing her before his night shift starts , popping in early morning after a night shift and seeing her on 3 of his 4 days off. It’s a strain on him and our marriage if I’m honest which is why this holiday is important to me.

OP posts:

StScholastica · 10/04/2025 22:18

Stairlifts for people with dementia is a bit like driving or using the gas cooker.
It's safe, until it's not and then the results can be catastrophic.
Can they remember to fasten the seatbelt? (In 30years NHS service, I've never seen a patient with dementia remember to fasten their seatbelt) Can they remember how to swivel it at the top? I've seen several people try to get off half way up.

CaptainFuture · 10/04/2025 22:18

Would you look at a move to sheltered housing?

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 22:16

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 22:13

@LadyLapsang . There is no easy option for a wet room in MILs home unless we build it in the corner of her dining room or such like . DH brings her in a very comfortable Kia Sportage to access our down stairs walk in shower . SIl comes as Mil doesn’t want to be naked in front of her son . The whole evolution is usually combined with lunch and is seen as a trip out for MIL . These are the things MIL will miss out on for several days when both are away . This is what concerns me.

Would you loose much money on the holiday if you cancelled now and re booked for an earlier later date

Original poster

Souredgrapes · 10/04/2025 22:13

@LadyLapsang . There is no easy option for a wet room in MILs home unless we build it in the corner of her dining room or such like . DH brings her in a very comfortable Kia Sportage to access our down stairs walk in shower . SIl comes as Mil doesn’t want to be naked in front of her son . The whole evolution is usually combined with lunch and is seen as a trip out for MIL . These are the things MIL will miss out on for several days when both are away . This is what concerns me.

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 10/04/2025 21:49

I would be interested to see the split of caring hours / duties in a typical week. Also, a bit odd that a family with lots of medical, nursing and health care workers has devised a system that involves an elderly disabled person travelling 17 miles for a shower. Why hasn’t a walk in / wheel in shower been installed in MIL’s home?

Unless your DH did not give the dates to his sister (but I think you mentioned she knew the dates), then I think she is sending a clear message to her brother.

Ixoral · 10/04/2025 21:41

StScholastica · 10/04/2025 21:34

I'm surprised any stairlift installer agreed to that.

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It was installed before dementia was diagnosed due to age/mobility and easier accessing her bedroom/bathroom and she’s perfectly fine still using it.

Duggeewoof · 10/04/2025 21:41

lazycats · 10/04/2025 14:18

So… the SIL knew the dates and just booked it anyway? What did she think would happen?

This. Daughter of the year right there(!).

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 10/04/2025 21:38

StScholastica · 10/04/2025 21:34

I'm surprised any stairlift installer agreed to that.

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My mum is 94. Advanced dementia. Has a stairlift with no problem safer than using the stairs.