Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

This

I have exactly the same problem with my dad but I have no back up carers just me and my husband. To be able to take a holiday we have organised for him to go to a home for respite care. He wasn’t keen, but after a few visits he has come around. I organised it privately as he can’t claim any money to help with the fees.

Time for MIL to go into care so you all can live. SIL selfish

As others have said, MIL needs respite care. Involving social services will require an in-depth conversation about her needs, which may be more useful for DH to consider the situation from a professional's perspective, removing you as the bad guy. Hopefully there will be a place available at short notice. Perhaps SIL can do some running now she's passive-aggressively forced the situation. She and DH can help by recording everything they are currently doing for her. A digital copy will help the worker get things moving.

I have worked in the care sector for 20+ years with older people and in my experience, when people with dementia get anxious like MIL, they do benefit from the security that a care home offers. Respite could be a taster; she may find that she really enjoys the company and routine and her relationship with her family can return to just that, without the complications that come with the caring role.

Its on her now to arrange alternate care

I think she has done.

If she had agreed to cover care whilst OP and her husband were away... then its a shitty thing to do.
Its on her now to arrange alternate care .

I really wish someone had given me this excellent advice when we were caring for our very belligerent and manipulative mother in law. She even had my husband and sister in law convinced that I’d made up how Ill and was ( I was the one who took her to her hospital appointments) as she was desperate not to lose her driving licence ( which was mandatory removal for her condition). She caused so many rows- I should have kept right out of it and left it to them.

SiL needs to sort this... I'm assuming she was 'on duty' whilst you're away?
Stay out of it,.. its her problem to sort.

We’ll have to agree to disagree then. I think SIL was completely unreasonable to book the same dates and you won’t persuade me otherwise. Sometimes there are valid reasons (eg invited by friends, only holiday date available for the whole year etc) but “deal she couldn’t resist” when they go on multiple holidays each year isn’t a good enough reason.

No she was free to make any choice she wanted. She got a deal she couldn’t resist.
We do childcare for our grandchildren, as do the other grandparents. We generally try to book different weeks holiday, so they can double up for us and we can double up for them. Sometimes, for various reasons, it can’t be avoided that we take the same weeks holiday and alternative care has to be sought. Either the children have to spend an extra day at nursery, go to a holiday club or Mum and Dad take leave.
Like OP and her SIL, looking after MIL, we are under no compulsion to look after our grandchildren. The OPs husband and SIL need to find respite care.
MIL may live for many many more years and OP, her husband and SIL cannot live like this going on. As I said, it is good that it was brought to a head.
Reasons for going away at the same time can be varied. We were invited this year to go away with friends on a certain date.

This is what I'm struggling to understand.

OP's DH is presumably a reasonably intelligent man. He knows that it normally takes him, his sister, his wife and his mum's friend to manage her needs throughout the week.

And yet, OP seems to be saying that he now thinks she will be fine without the support of both him and his sister - her two main carers - for a whole week.

Where is his critical thinking?

This is a good summary.

It sounds as if MIL is simply unhappy no matter what, and gradually losing your physical independence and mental capacity is never going to be a barrel of laughs.

But the present situation is impacting the lives of three people rather a lot, to the point where the marriage of one couple is suffering. If MIL is unhappy no matter what is done for her then it seems obvious that outside help needs to be brought in.

I don’t know what age OP, her DH and SIL are but the mention of adult age DGC suggests they may be at least in their 50s. It’s all very well saying family comes before holidays but there is a finite number of years you can go on holidays particularly long haul. We’re mid 50s and back from a long haul destination and were surprised how much it took out of us, and we are pretty fit.

OP said that nobody was keeping count, but she clearly is counting how much time away SIL has.Maybe the holiday SIL booked was something she really wanted to do, but couldn’t afford until now. Whatever the reason, it’s a clear mark that things can’t continue as they have done. If DH and SIL really insist on both going away without any alternative arrangements, then yes this holiday is likely to be impacted, but maybe it will force them into a more sustainable ongoing arrangement, allowing more holidays in the future.

She had a choice of the other 50 weeks of the year but deliberately chose the dates op had already booked, it’s hardly a huge restriction.

MIL needs professional care whether she wants it or not

This is the only answer unfortunately.

who is actually calling the shots here? DH? SIL? MIL?

OP, if your husband refuses to engage with this it will affect his marriage. Does he understand this? Does he want the best for his mum? Or does he want to feel like he’s a loving son?

If MIL is already texting DH in distress of an evening then it sounds as though she is only just coping with the current arrangements.

-Temporary care has resulted in MIL contacting people upset.
-The current situation results in MIL contacting DH upset.
-On a previous holiday for SIL MIL has been unable to cope & SIL had to come home early.
-After Christmas MIL was unable to cope and DH had to go and stay.

If you lay it out to DH like this, does he have any awareness that given all these previous experiences going badly, removing most of MIL's current support is surely a recipe for disaster? Obviously there's a temptation to stick one's head in the sand and hope that it will all be okay rather than confront uncomfortable truths, but can you use the previous evidence to bring him out of that?

But SIL, like most people, is entitled to go on holiday whenever she wants.
She should not be restricted to certain dates. It is probably good that she has brought this situation to a head. Residential respite care is required even if that is not what the MIL wants. You can’t keep giving in to people who want their adult children to ruin their lives, even if they are in the early stages of dementia. As the OP says, she suspects that some of this neediness is just her behaviour anyway.
For various reasons, many serious, my sister and I are LC with my mother. Now she is in her 90s we do phone her (and visit occasionally). If she complains she is lonely or can’t do something we ask her if she would be better off in a home. It stops her asking.

Op is your husband ok with the plan that is currently in place for friend/neighbour to pop in?

@Flossflower “I can’t believe posters criticising your SIL for booking a holiday” - it’s not the fact she booked a holiday, it’s the fact she booked a holiday on those dates when she knew her brother and op would also be away. She also has plentiful holidays every year so it’s not like it’s her one and only opportunity.

You simply cannot carry on like this! Your MIL will only get worse. I can’t believe posters criticising your SIL for booking a holiday. She is doing more than enough for her mother. Yes OPs husband is also doing more than enough. MIL needs professional care whether she wants it or not. Respite care when you both go on holiday but permanently in the future.
I have said this many times on MN but Hell would freeze over before I would want my adult children to do care for me. I love them and want them to enjoy their lives. I have already had that conversation with them.

This is ridiculous. Our elderly mum has carers in 3 times a day. She has just come out of respite care too. Now I get that it’s expensive if your HA won’t provide a care package and I would be escalating that with them, but who is actually calling the shots here? DH? SIL? MIL?

What age is MIL and what age are you ?

Honestly it sounds like both your DH and SIL are doing a huge amount including personal care. I appreciate they want to be good DCs but it sounds unsustainable as demonstrated by a later post where you say that grandchildren have —thankfully unsuccessfully— been tried to be roped in to provide caring. There are already 3 adults who aren’t living full lives because of one person.
This has led to a situation where you are resentful of a grown woman taking 2-4 holidays per year.

Its baffling that your DH is reluctant to get in paid carers which would not only solve the immediate problem, but give more flexibility for the future and potentially allow DH and DSIL to step back a bit on what seems like a gruelling routine.

It doesn’t sound like it’s about money, so I wonder what your DHs core resistance is about. It may be worth digging a bit more on that as otherwise I Agree I can’t see the holiday going well.

Or speak to SIL and ask if her holiday can be moved, not accusatory but as you are so concerned about what the impact will be if no additional care is arranged. I wouldn’t mention number of holidays she has had versus you, otherwise I suspect you will find that the “nobody’s keeping count” statement is completely untrue and she knows exactly how many evenings she has spent at DMs and her totals far exceed DHs.

If both you and your DH and SIL do all go away at the same time and there is a serious problem, as you envisage, which sibling would be required to cut their holiday short to return home? Your SIL does more day to day care, but your DH does seem to fill all his spare time doing caring duties for his mum so probably both of them need a break.

I'd be calling local private care companies and getting info on prices and availability. Sounds like twice a day carers plus family phoning and a key safe plus someone who can check on her in a crisis would be ok for 10 days. Plan it and present plan to DH & SIL