Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

The authorities often drop the ball, but I had the following experience.

One time, Mum was in hospital with a fractured pelvis. I had phoned the hospital to say that I couldn't come in to visit/bring in clothes - I had shingles. (I've since had it a few times. Stress is a trigger. This was worst.)

The very next day, I had a cheerful phone call from a nurse to say that Mum was being discharged.

"B..but...You can't! I have shingles and there's no one else."

"Her care package is being reinstated."

"But there's nothing in the house for her. No food. Nothing. Mum manages because I support the carers. I'm an only child. There's no one who can help." She was also being discharged in a worse state than before her fall - the hospital refused to give her physio and said she'd never walk again. They'd only practiced getting her to stand up and sit down.

"She's being discharged tomorrow."

I phoned the Social Work Dept. Mums social worker was signed off work, so I was passed to another woman.

I explained the situation. She told me not to panic.

She phoned back and said "Right. I've booked your mum into [a reasonably local] care home for respite. I've had this situation before, and the home is very good at rehabilitating people."

Mum was transferred to the home. I got a phone call from the Manager, a nurse. Lovely chap.

"We had your mum in the sitting room with the other clients with dementia, but she's a bit more talkative than them, so we've moved her to another sitting room."

The following day, I had another phone call. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing! I thought you would want to know...We had a Daniel O'Donnell DVD playing in a adjacent sitting room. Next thing, your mum was getting out of her chair and using the grab rails to walk to the next room so that she could hear the music better!"

Once I recovered, we got Mum back home.

there are still a lot of gaps and reliance on non professionals to keep MIL safe

What does your husband think now re him flying back if there’s a problem?

Social services are saying she can cope because she can with dh and sil help. Why would as offer support when they will do it? I also think sil may have done this deliberately/subconsciously but I also don’t blame her. Mil needs more care than your joint families can provide and everyone needs to realise and do something about it. Ultimately, that may be allowing a crisis situation if mil won’t accept care but sadly that might be what it takes.

Yet she knew exactly what dates you were going, knew exactly the problems it was going to cause, but still did it anyway. What exactly did she think was going to happen to her mum if anything happened while both you and she were away? Which of the two if you was she expecting to fly back? Sorry but I find it almost impossible to believe that someone who was so heavily invested in providing day to day care did not have the insight to realise that booking the exact same dates as you was going to be a very bad idea.

My sil and I cared for my mil for several years. She would never have allowed any of her son's to do personal and intimate care.
If we'd been in this situation I would have tried respite in a nursing home and failing that a live in carer from a reputable agency. I think its going to cost you £2.5k either way for 10 days Her friend could then visit.

Going forward a care home may be the solution. We all panicked when mil went, initially for a week's respite. She however loved the home and stayed there til we lost her.

You have my sympathy.
All branches of dementia are awful but Alzheimer's (if that is the case here) is so soul destroying (not invalidating any other illness)

I don't want to add to your worries, but be aware that commodes are notorious for toppling.

I think I mentioned above that a relative down south had to phone a neighbour to come in and lift her off the floor after hers went over. (That happened only a few days ago.)

Personal care has been mentioned. From experience something has to be put in place.

While Mum was still in her own house (prior to our getting the work on our place finished so that she could move in) I got a phone call early in the morning, before I left for work. I lived about 15 miles away from Mum.

At that stage, Mum was able to toilet herself - but she'd had a reaction to a food supplement. (Ensure. Too much can cause tummy trouble.)

Mum had tried to deal with it herself, but had made things worse. The carer on that morning was young and inexperienced and had freaked out.

The care company arranged for someone extra to go in to help Mum, but I had to go in to deal with everything else myself.

I still don't know how I managed to get everything done on time. I did what was needed and just made it into work in time.

In the meantime, the carers helped mum.

The best option for OP's MIL really is respite. Even having a care team in won't allow for unexpected emergencies if MIL is at home. Someone from the family would still have to be on call - adult grandchildren, I assume?

Perhaps having carers in 3-4 times a day will also alleviate the loneliness that causes MiL to text so frequently? I suggest you book them privately for 14 days to cover your ten days away. That's two days before you go and two days after your return. He and SiL can meet with them on Days 1 & 2 to introduce them to MiL, explain things, reassure himself she'll be well looked after. Tell her it's a trial run, which it is. Put the carers on MiL's speed dial.

Then go away and try to relax and enjoy your well deserved holiday, put DH's phone on silent for blocks of time giving him a rest from incessant demands.

Compare notes on your return and consider keeping the carers on.

She wasn’t even aware of the dates, only that when she found out that they were both away at the same time she said she would pop in more . She also stated “ she can’t do personal care “

They didn't ask her?

That really is taking advantage.

I wonder if when she offered she was expecting to be told that care had been sorted but to just pop in to chat if she wanted?

If your husband & SIL aren't being realistic the only one losing out is their mum as they are keeping her from the care she needs.

Glad you spoke to the friend and got her pov. Hopefully DH will listen to her concerns. If she won't do personal care, will MIL get in a bit of a state when she toilets? Or is she still ok to take care of her hygiene needs?

Sadly I know all this, been there, done that etc. It's heart breaking beyond belief 💔 but sometimes the hardest decisions are.

It sounds like your DH and SIL are both in denial about how care their DM needs. Often it takes someone on the outside to point out the deterioration before a proper car plan is put in place.

@Souredgrapes Well done for speaking to MIL's friend OP - not least so that she's better informed. It's rather naughty of your DH and SIL to so casually impose on this woman - I'd be rather annoyed if I were her. Hopefully, your DH and SIL can see this.

And unless she can fund that herself, the decision as to whether she gets a place in a care home, or home care visits rests with the local authority. If they’re funding it they will always go for the cheapest possible option.

Maybe there needs to be fall out and things needs to go 'wrong' and social services needs to be called back in to re-assess...

This.

I'd be outraged that she'd booked the same dates and I'd be telling hubby to tell her she has to do something about it because shes known about you both going away for time and why should her need for down time be more important than yours.

Actually, impulsive me would do that.
Rational me.... I'd try and put it better and not so gun ho!
I don't think speaking to her will help you though; don't get involved in sibling stuff.
DH needs to come to terms with the fact that his mum isn't going to get any better and that his and his DSis job will get so much harder taking care of her without professional help.

Respite for this trip is an idea although how MIL reacts to having strangers in her home would be on my mind. That being said, it might not be on yours (what I mean by that is everyone is different).

Good luck as this is a horrendous thing to go through.

Did you manage to get to some sort of agreement? Has DH changed his mind in any way?

I would be going on my holiday with my DH and letting SIL deal with it. She knew you would be on holiday. Your DH isn't listening and doesn't see any issue. Let SIL sort it all out.

When I let my DH sort out things with his parents and his sister, my life got so much easier. And his sister has had to deal with so much more since.

Enjoy your holiday and remind DH that he put his sister in charge if he feels he needs to fly back.

Hi OP, I care for my mother inlaw in my home and the advice I would give you going forward is you will need a care plan put in place for the future. It may be carers helping out at home or a care home. Respite care when you go on your breaks. My MIL used to live next door to us since my FIL died but a few years ago she had a fall and moved in with us. It has been endless to be honest but I love my MIL and she is such a lovely lady. We have always been very close.

Nearly four years of caring at home, my MIL who had mixed dementia, double incontinent and is now bed bound due to health and mobility issues. We paid for carers to come in 4 times a day to help and they have been an absolute lifeline to us. We have a hospital bed and arrangements are made for end of life care.We have always cared for my MIL even when she was living on her own and like with your DH and SIL, I was cooking meals, cleaning, sorting out medication, washing, shopping and then it was personal care, hospital/doctors appointments. My DH would be paying all the bills, keeping her home maintained etc but he worked full time in a stressful job so we decided after her fall it would be easier for her to move in with us thinking she would recover and move back next door. It became apparent after a month she needed to stay with us.

It hasn't been easy at times with all the arrangements and I have endless carers, district nurses, doctors etc in my home. We have a keysafe in place so everyone just let's them selves in due to me going back to work part time, school runs, etc

The only thing I probably didn't realise is caring for a love one full time either in their home or in your home is different from caring for someone who isnt a relative in their home or a care home/hospital setting. It is because it is 24/7, you don't get to finish your shift and then close your door at home. I am a nurse so I see the difference and can't always switch off. The carers who come in everyday are just amazing. They go above and beyond and my MIL is happy with us and them. Without the carers she would be in a care home which we didn't want. We had to sell her home to pay for the care which we had to do either way.

Is your MIL claiming attendance allowance and if so your DH can claim carers allowance but it depends how many hours he worked if he has another job. You are all doing an amazing thing, keeping your MIL in her home, and obviously work as a team but it isn't easy. You need your holidays and their are care companies who will help out with your MIL when you are away or care homes will offer Respite care, but you will need to be flexible with your holiday dates.

I wish you all well going forward and hope you get to go on your break away.

@Hangingonthere My mother is just like that too. She knows loads about the lives of her carers and will regale me with it.

If one of them has a baby or becomes a grandparent, auntie, uncle then when my sister or I take her shopping we have to help her buy outfits for the new baby. 😃

They really do become people's lifelines and connection to the outside world.

Not an answer to your problem, but possibly a forward-looking view on coping with an elderly relative - my mother (90s) lived in a house where my older sister had to travel an hour each way to see her - just about every day. Eventually she qualified for carers and moved into sheltered accommodation. And for the three years she lived there her life changed so much for the better. She was much nearer my sister and having been appalled at the thought of carers they became her lifeline to the world outside and would tell her everything that was going on in their lives and she loved it. She was 98 when she died, my sister had much more free time but still saw her regularly (as did I). I would go back and appeal that decision that she doesn't need carers, often if they deem a case 'borderline' (when it obviously isn't) a lot of pushing can reverse that. Best of luck.