To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

Haha coming from the people trying to tell the dd what she is rally upset about (eg her own bio dad/ gp not the people she is forced to blend with).

You are wrong. The issue isn’t OP’s feelings, the issue is the DD’s feelings.

op said that her daughter is upset by the way she is being treated by her in-laws - eg excluded from photos. This is deeply harmful and no child should be forced ro blend with a family where they are exposed to treatment that makes them feel worthless and excluded. This is deeply harmful.

Different life experiences are neither here nor there, everyone has those.

I agree but I think this is why OP needs to balance maintaining the grandparent relationship for her youngest while finding other ways to build up her eldest and managing the situation sensitivity. You can't change other people or the fact we all have different relationships. But you can help your daughters navigate these difficult feelings and find ways to make them each feel special and appreciated in their own right.

Are you own parents in the picture, OP?

OP said it was. That's a direct quote from her. She has an issue with it, so it's immaterial whether someone else defines 'the issue' differently.

And as I said, she's stuck with that. Divorce won't affect it.

having different life experiences is not an issue. Everyone has different life experiences.

The issue is being forced to “blend” with a family who lets you know in every little which way that you do not really belong/ are expendable/ not really wanted or appreciated, etc. that is so deeply harmful to a child and no child deserves to be exposed to that regardless of their biology. No child should be forced to participate in such a fiasco.

I very much doubt that they even have a photo of OP's elder daughter seeing as they chose to stop seeing her when their son left OP and his daughter.

Yes I was replying to you saying they've known her at least 6 years, but this was actually quite a few years ago when as youngest was a baby and the whole family setup was therefore pretty new

I don’t have any idea what will happen in the future and neither does anyone else on this thread. And I wasn’t suggesting the children wouldn’t understand there was a difference in relationships. However, I can say from real-life observations that clear discrimination or unkindnesses can be a cause of conflict.

Why are you assuming that? I've got cousins I haven't seen in 25 years!

OP is bothered by her children having different life experiences, which she's stuck with whether she stays married to DH or not.

Don’t be ridiculous of course they knew

And that makes a difference?

I also don't know if everyone would necessarily realise that what photos they put up in their house would have big significance to a stepchild.

In my own home I am extremely careful about the photos I display, and make sure that there are a good mix of photos of all the kids and us, in various combinations including some with just SD and her dad, some with me, SD and one of my younger children (same dad as SD), one of all girls together, one of just my two, one of everyone etc etc etc. But I'm a stepmum so I think very carefully about these things. Not everyone does. And actually, my family have often done things to include SD as if she was mine, SD thought it was weird. For example, my grandmother gave her a very sentimental and thoughtful gift as the eldest daughter of her generation. My SD just found it confusing as she sees it in quite black and white terms - she's not my great grandmother. Even though my grandmother saw her as such. These things are very nuanced and not everyone will understand the ins and outs of it and what will be he right or wrong thing or what matters.

The op’s family all live in the same house and the two girls are sisters. You just don’t forget!

The DH’s cousin and fiancée might well have done! They may not see each other from one year to the next. My DH has a cousin he - quite literally - hasn’t seen for 30 years. One of his brothers has a blended family set up and my DH wouldn’t be able to recall accurately the ins and outs of who’s who and who lives where and when. That’s no reflection on any of the kids involved at all - just a reflection of the fact that my DH isn’t at all close to his brother and so isn’t terribly interested in the details of his life (and tends to glaze over whenever MIL starts talking about any of it). Not all families are super close and see each other all the time.

Anyway, I agree with the PP’s who have said this is more of a red herring of the DD’s feelings about her own family, I’m sure OP was advised to get her DD some help to talk about this on the previous thread.

The wedding was when 5 year old was a baby, and occurred after lockdowns. So the DHs cousin (whose wedding it was) hadn't known older DD for 6 years, we don't even know if cousin knew her at all!

Some posters seem determined to paint the DHs family as deliberately cruel awful people, but OPs posts don't really support that.

Who says she knows these cousins? DH would have no idea if his cousins had step kids

This was years ago when second DD was a baby

It’s not a numbers game at all. The op’s family all live in the same house and the two girls are sisters. You just don’t forget!.

She has known them for at least 6 years. Of course the family knew she existed. What a bizarre thing to say

They might not even have realised she existed. When someone brought it up, she was given an invite, suggesting it was an oversight. Tbh I forgot my DSis’s BIL had a stepchild until there was a child at their wedding I had never seen before.

I mean I haven't been invited to some of my actual blood cousins weddings...it's a numbers game isn't it?

We're talking 4/5 years ago, an immediately post or during lockdown wedding when numbers were restricted and a cousin who presumably didn't know his cousin's partner's child from another relationship all that well. Who knows the ins and outs of the relationship but this particular child has quite a distant connection (cousin's wife's child from a previous relationship). Maybe they didn't know her actual Dad didn't have joint custody and that she wouldn't be with him that weekend. Maybe they didn't even know the child's name (a couple of my siblings have no idea what all of our second cousins are called). It doesn't say that other second cousins, or step-second cousins were invited...it says "nieces and nephews". I'd invite my nieces and nephews to my wedding...but I couldn't afford to have my second or third cousins there. And again...this is a post/during lockdown wedding as the now 5 year old was a baby...it could be explained by the fact that people weren't allowed big weddings.

Also - I do think that weddings all get a bit fraught anyway.

”If you’ve invited cousins Tom and Dick, you should really ask Harry.”
”I can’t remember the last time we saw Harry!”
”No - but Grandma would want him to be there.
”Fair enough. Is his wife’s name Spanish? What’s their baby called….?”

I think that scenario is much more likely than people setting out deliberately to exclude cousin Harry’s step child, especially if, once the issue was raised, the invitation was offered without any fuss….

People don't always invite all their blood relatives to weddings anyway.

Isn't that a totally different set of relatives? And as soon as DH asked about it she was invited?