To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

Yes, because you kept arguing with and trying to derail it.

Derailing what? You made your point repeatedly. I acknowledged it.

You have given your advice, I’m giving mine.

This entire discussion started because you replied to a post of mine about how OP is stuck with this and needs to learn to manage it by irrelevantly bringing up separation.The OP is stuck with what I said she is stuck with, separated or otherwise.

Sure, and several posts back I acknowledged your point and also acknowledged that we were talking at cross purposes and my point was a separate one.

Whether changing them would make DD1 or OP feel better about the in laws, harder to call.

It’s not hard to call at all. It astonishes me how so many adults apparently think it’s fine to force children into families with people who treat them like they are expendable/ don’t matter/ an added extra or an inconvenience. Yes in some situations, parts of the family don’t blend and everyone is fine with that. This situation is not one of those. OP knows that this situation is hurting her child, it’s not right to continue to impose it on her.

For a start, I’d recommend she face reality for what it is, and accept that she can’t force it to be how she wants it to be. Her in laws aren’t going to treat her daughter as ‘theirs’, and continuing to look for, and expect, them to do so is only going to result in further disappointment.

There’s nothing she can do to ensure an outcome that doesn’t result in resentment as a result of the disparity that exists. Se’d be best served being honest with her daughter. Her sister’s paternal family is not hers, and they’re not going to have the same relationship with her as they do their actual grandchild/niece.

The feelings the eldest has about the lack of involvement with her own paternal family are what need addressing here imo, and OP’s in laws are not responsible her papering over the cracks when it comes to that.

OP you are doing the right thing by limiting your older daughter’s time with the step grandparents. If they ask why they don’t see you as much anymore be honest with them as to the reasons why.

Yes, because you kept arguing with and trying to derail it. This entire discussion started because you replied to a post of mine about how OP is stuck with this and needs to learn to manage it by irrelevantly bringing up separation.

The OP is stuck with what I said she is stuck with, separated or otherwise. I agree that there are other, different things she isn't stuck with. Whether changing them would make DD1 or OP feel better about the in laws, harder to call.

On the point of how OP actually needs to work out how to manage this rather than listen to whether anyone thinks her in laws are wrong, it would be a good idea for her to stop trying to force a relationship that doesn't exist and do other things with DD1 sometimes, rather than expect DD2 to manage the situation.

I think only option would be for husband and youngest to go on their own really

To the posters who are saying that the family are within their right to not include the child in photos. What do you think op should do?
carry on as things are and have it affect her daughters self esteem.
Tell her husband to visit alone with the bio grandchild.
speak to the family and explain her daughters feelings, and if they won’t budge, then what?
I personally wouldn’t put my child in the middle of this and they wouldn’t be part of her life. Meaning my husband would have to visit alone with the bio child, but this comes with the risk of resentment growing in that child towards either her grandparents for making it awkward for her mum and sister or vice versa?

You keep making the same point? Yes, she is stuck with her children having divergent life experiences. Separation won’t change that. I agree.

What separation will change is her daughter being forced to blend in a family with people who behave in ways that make her feel crap. OP’s DD may still be upset that she doesn’t have a dad or grandma like her sister (/ diff life experiences), but she won’t be forced to blend/ interact/ play happy families with in-laws who make her feel rejected and worthless. It is the latter part that OP can avoid through separation. These are basic boundaries that all people- adults and children - should be entitled to regardless of biology - not to be surrounded by/ forced to interact/ have a relationship with people who make us feel crap about ourselves .

OP is referring to a particular set of different life experiences, rather than just different per se as all children have. Worth going back and reading all her posts if you haven't already. She mentioned her hurt in the context of PILs saving for DD2. She is stuck with that, and divorce won't change it. This is why I and all the posters who have said it's important she focuses on how to manage the situation going forward are right.

Whether or not DD1 would be upset about the different life experiences in the event of a separation, you don't know. It's a vague guess with nothing to back it up, especially as we don't know what the different life experiences would look like at that point. So it was a strange point to make, especially as OP hasn't given any indication that she's considering a split.

Yes , she is stuck with them having divergent life experiences. As all children do.

OP is not stuck with the situation of her child being upset by the behaviour of her in-laws. She can change this situation by not exposing her child to her in-laws, including through family separation.

Her children will have 'such different life experiences' regardless of whether she splits with DH or not, and if anything that could make them even more divergent. She is stuck with that.

OP is stuck with the situation of her children having different life experiences, yes. This is a situation that all parents are stuck with always.

OP is not stuck with the situation of her child being upset by the behaviour of her in-laws. This is not a situation that all parents face and it’s not a situation OP has to be stuck in. She can change this situation by not exposing her child to her in-laws, including through family separation.

It doesn't matter where anyone's concern is. OP is stuck with the situation, which includes her feelings about her DDs having 'such different life experiences'. Her DH and his family both fundamentally disagree with her.

Meaning what she really needs is to work out how best to manage it going forward, as multiple posters have correctly said. This will still be applicable in the event of a split with DH.

Trying to get her 5 year old to manage the issue via the medium of photography was a fucking terrible idea. Going to her cousin's church on Easter Sunday instead of BILs house is a better one.

in that case we are talking at cross purposes. My concern isn’t for the OP- as much as her feelings matter- OP is an adult with choices. She can decide for herself what works best for her to cope with any difficult feelings she has. My concern is for her child, who doesn’t have choices and is being put in a position where she has to interact with people who make her feel crap. And actually OP’s feelings are , as I understand them, also ultimately about concern for her child- as they should be.

I'm not pleased about it, OP has come for advice and that's why I'm saying that it's better to focus on managing the things she can control e.g. how she supports DD with her very difficult feelings and ensures she has balance in her life and experiences/relationships that make her feel important, as I think that is a better idea than trying to force a situation with SGP that might actually just backfire and make her daughter feel worse.

If it really is just about the photos in the house then surely DH can talk to his parents, have a quiet word and if they're nice enough people they would put a photo or two of her up. But it sounds deeper than that.

Why are you so determined that the extended family are being deliberately excluding? I have a huge extended family, they'd have no idea if I had a step child but if they were having a big wedding might invite me. It's not that outlandish to say the DHs cousin didn't know about older DD or what the set up was, and when cousin was asked to include her they did. What more could they do? It's not the conclusive proof of deliberate cruelty you seem to think it is.

At the very least

A strange post, and irrelevant to the question of whether OP is stuck with this whether she splits with DH or not. She is.

I didn't tell her what her problem is either, btw. I'm using OPs own words about different experiences. You can if you tell her that you know better and her feelings don't matter if you want, but it won't make what you said about splitting remotely germane.

It’s perfectly possible for the child to be upset about both things- one doesn’t detract from the other, in fact they likely amplify one another. You all are so pleased to point out OP can’t control her in-laws- well she is likely to have far more influence over them than she does with people with whom she has zero relationship. The reality is she can’t of course control anyone else and nor should she try to, the only thing she can do is set reasonable boundaries for herself and her child- for her child that means not forcing her to be in a family with people who make her feel worthless and rejected .

I hope this is what the OP does

If it were me I would probably quietly reduce the time eldest spends with SGP and focus on building up other positive and affirming relationships for her.

But OP has said the DD is upset about not having her father. On her other thread she said the DD was mortified when the Dr asked about family history and she said they weren't in contact. If older DD had a good relationship with her father's family would she care what younger DDs family do?

Plus OP is using some emotive language and it does feel like she is passing her own feelings to older DD - baby taken from her sister's arms, and all the stuff about older cousin sitting for the bar and ISAs, that's all about OPs feelings.

Even though OP had worded things a certain way it really doesn't seem like the ILs are cruel or making older DD feel worthless - they invite her, they buy her an Easter egg, they take photos with her, they're not shutting her in the cupboard or insisting she's left at home while everyone pretends she doesn't exist!

If these get togethers are upsetting older DD then OP needs to stop taking her to them. She can't force the IL to be more than kind and civil which she says they already are. It doesn't matter how many posters think the IL are wrong, they're not going to change so OP needs to manage the situation for both her children - probably by doing something else fun with older DD while DH takes younger DD to these events.

OP posted a similar thread recently where she mentioned how upset and ashamed DD feels having to admit her own father isn't involved. That's a horrible way for a young girl to feel and that's why I'm saying it's probably the real issue. It's not just that her step grandparents treat her differently, it's that her own dad and grandparents have abandoned her. Her sister has something very special that she doesn't have (loving grandparents), something she clearly is distressed and has complicated feelings about, and the small differences between the way SGP treat her and Dd5 highlight all of that. It's not exactly a leap!

Are you really trying to say his family had no idea he had a stepchild?

You can't change other people or the fact we all have different relationships.

Agree with this, but you can also remove/ protect your child from being exposed to people who chose to behave in ways that make them feel worthless. Blending them together in a family is the opposite of this. This is what I object to.