To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

They have not treated the girl as "irrelevant and disposable" based on what OP has said, they are kind to her and buy her gifts. Some kids didn't see her as a cousin on one occasion 4 years ago when she'd barely joined the family and they might never have met her. The DH is not allowed to be "Daddy", that is enforced by OP, who is then upset about ISAs. Nobody even asked the GPs to put up a photo. She needs to learn how to cope with not having bio dad interested in her, stop making it the fault of her step dad's family.

Your 5 year old can't force that to happen, unfortunately. It's rough for your older daughter, has she asked granny why there aren't any photos of her up in their home?
My mil does the same with me. Photos of all sorts of family combinations which miraculously don't include me. She's a CF, at our wedding she marched over to the photographer and said 'now I want you to take a photo of me, partner, and my grandchildren. Not her.' (pointing at me). There are lots of nice photos of our wedding but guess which one she has displayed?! I am sending solidarity and thoughts to your daughter. People who should know better can be very cruel.

They have not treated the girl as "irrelevant and disposable" based on what OP has said, they are kind to her and buy her gifts. Some kids didn't see her as a cousin on one occasion 4 years ago when she'd barely joined the family and they might never have met her. The DH is not allowed to be "Daddy", that is enforced by OP, who is then upset about ISAs. Nobody even asked the GPs to put up a photo. She needs to learn how to cope with not having bio dad interested in her, stop making it the fault of her step dad's family.

Your 5 year old can't force that to happen, unfortunately. It's rough for your older daughter, has she asked granny why there aren't any photos of her up in their home?
My mil does the same with me. Photos of all sorts of family combinations which miraculously don't include me. She's a CF, at our wedding she marched over to the photographer and said 'now I want you to take a photo of me, partner, and my grandchildren. Not her.' (pointing at me). There are lots of nice photos of our wedding but guess which one she has displayed?! I am sending solidarity and thoughts to your daughter. People who should know better can be very cruel.

The problem is that unblending - her sister will still get everything and she still will not. Worse, now they won't even see her nor do Christmas presents, because that's what her mum wants. So she's feel rejected again by the step dad and his family. This is not a fix, helping DD1 understand and building her self esteem is the fix.

The issue is not that OP’s child needs to get everything her sister does. That’s never going to happen. Throwing her crumbs- like a token Xmas present- doesn’t help either.

The issue is that OPs eldest is being forced to integrate into a family that sees her as irrelevant and disposable. That will inevitably impact her self esteem. She should not be forced to integrate with these people.

Your 5 year old can't force that to happen, unfortunately. It's rough for your older daughter, has she asked granny why there aren't any photos of her up in their home?
My mil does the same with me. Photos of all sorts of family combinations which miraculously don't include me. She's a CF, at our wedding she marched over to the photographer and said 'now I want you to take a photo of me, partner, and my grandchildren. Not her.' (pointing at me). There are lots of nice photos of our wedding but guess which one she has displayed?! I am sending solidarity and thoughts to your daughter. People who should know better can be very cruel.

The problem is that unblending - her sister will still get everything and she still will not. Worse, now they won't even see her nor do Christmas presents, because that's what her mum wants. So she's feel rejected again by the step dad and his family. This is not a fix, helping DD1 understand and building her self esteem is the fix.

In fact I think we both agree that OP would be better taking DD1 to stuff away from PILs rather than trying to force a relationship that they clearly don't feel.

The difference is that you think your moral take is much more important than it actually is, when there is no moral take on PILs behaviour that's relevant here. And that OP can divorce herself away from the ongoing influence on DD1 of PILs relationship with DD2, which is wishful thinking.

However that's all the more reason for OP to take DD1 to other stuff.

Look it’s perfectly simple.

It is worse to be an in-law to someone who makes you feel like crap, than not to have to be their in-law.

Yes it won’t solve all of OP’s DD’s problems, but it will stop her from being forced to blend in a family / interact with people who make her feel like crap.

If you can’t see how blending a family is different to not blending a family, I really can’t help you .

It is indeed, which is why I used the word exposure rather than relationship. They have different meanings. Perhaps your inability to correctly define the two words is why you think this is gaslighting?

PILs are going to be a presence in DD2s life for the foreseeable. They'll be at DD2s events which DD1 may also attend. Their birthday, Christmas and Easter presents will be in the home DD1 shares with DD2. This could all go on well into adulthood. This all means that DD1 will be exposed to them, even if their personal relationship ends. These things all amount to continued exposure, and they're all things that DD1 could also be upset by.

And this is just the indirect exposure. If OP and DH split, DD1 will get to see what a relationship with the paternal side after separation looks like, and that will be another thing DD2 has that she doesn't. There's also the impact of their savings for DD2s adulthood but not DD1s, which will be unaffected by whether they ever see DD1 again or not.

Of course I don’t know for certain that my advice will result in the child being happier , just as you have no idea whether your advice will help .

Neither of us have a crystal ball. We all give our best advice.
you have your opinion on what needs to be done, I have mine.

This difference is that you seem to be struggling with the idea that someone could have a relevant opinion that is different to yours. You seem to think that there is only one possible way to look at this situation and therefore only one possible course of action OP can take. This is completely false.

DD1 is going to have continued exposure to the in laws even if she never sees them again after today. They are part of her stepfather's life and part of her sister's. Even if OP pursues the split you seem so keen on, the latter will still be true. The exposure will continue regardless of whether DD1 and OPs personal relationships do. This is baked in, OP chose it, she cannot prevent it.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous. If OP separates from her husband there is no need for her eldest (or OP herself) to have a relationship with these people. It’s completely different to being inlaws with them. As you well know.

(isn’t this also one of the reasons most people raise as to why is ok to treat step children like crap? Don’t invest as if the parents divorce you’ll never see the former step kids again etc etc….)

Yes, it is hard to call. You don't know whether the outcome of a hypothetical split would be DD1 feeling more unhappy about the in law relationships or not, and you're making assumptions. You have confused your moral take on what OP ought to do with whether you're able to predict the future.

Your comprehension needs to improve before you start throwing around words like abusive. Nobody said anything about 'need'. You invented that.

DD1 is going to have continued exposure to the in laws even if she never sees them again after today. They are part of her stepfather's life and part of her sister's. Even if OP pursues the split you seem so keen on, the latter will still be true. The exposure will continue regardless of whether DD1 and OPs personal relationships do. This is baked in, OP chose it, she cannot prevent it.

You have decided that changing some things will mean OP is 'not stuck with the situation of her child being upset by the behaviour of her in-laws'. This may or may not be true, because there's more than one way for DD1 to be upset over their actions. Pointing out that you're only guessing isn't telling anyone they need to do anything. It just means you don't have the power of second sight.

Furthermore it’s not about “feeling better about the in laws”- it’s abusive to suggest a child needs to “feel better” about people who hurt them. It’s about not exposing her child to the in-laws as they are people who hurt her child.

Yes, because you kept arguing with and trying to derail it.

Derailing what? You made your point repeatedly. I acknowledged it.

You have given your advice, I’m giving mine.

This entire discussion started because you replied to a post of mine about how OP is stuck with this and needs to learn to manage it by irrelevantly bringing up separation.The OP is stuck with what I said she is stuck with, separated or otherwise.

Sure, and several posts back I acknowledged your point and also acknowledged that we were talking at cross purposes and my point was a separate one.

Whether changing them would make DD1 or OP feel better about the in laws, harder to call.

It’s not hard to call at all. It astonishes me how so many adults apparently think it’s fine to force children into families with people who treat them like they are expendable/ don’t matter/ an added extra or an inconvenience. Yes in some situations, parts of the family don’t blend and everyone is fine with that. This situation is not one of those. OP knows that this situation is hurting her child, it’s not right to continue to impose it on her.

OP you are doing the right thing by limiting your older daughter’s time with the step grandparents. If they ask why they don’t see you as much anymore be honest with them as to the reasons why.

Thank you to everybody for responding.

I accept that it would be wrong to put my five year old in the middle of this, and in my defense admitted it ten pages ago.

Some of you said that I am defending my in-laws, well the fact is they are really nice people, if they weren’t I wouldn’t want either of my kids near them.

Yet they are nice people who have clear boundaries about who and who is not their grandchild.

My child is their only step grandchild.

My DH is her father figure , he treats her as his own but doesn’t see why anyone else should as long as they are kind to her.

Adoption has never been raised and is not something I want to pursue as it would mean contacting my ex.

I have actually conflated two stories, it came to me this morning when sitting in the sun while DH and DD1 played tennis (DD2 was at a friend’s house). The time when DD2 was taken out of DD1’s arms was not at the wedding but at a party when ‘Gertude’s’ grandchildren were called. DD1 would have stayed but nieces stepped in and older nephew gently suggested she go to me. I only found this out two days later.

DD1 actually articulates herself that the relationship DD2 has with her family shines a spotlight on her lack of family. She says it about her friends’ relationships as well.

In-Laws helped every child onto the property ladder and for BiL and SiL helped them again when they each upsized. They didn’t do this for us. That is their right, just like saving for DD2 but it stings and the irony about the house is that their actual biological grandchild will not be as well off as her cousins. I don’t want their money just for my daughter to be more explicitly included and seen on a par with the other grandchildren.

The advice I am taking is that for events DD- and I will absent ourselves. On Saturday I will go to my cousin’s church.

As for removing my youngest from her loving family that wouldn’t happen, my husband wouldn’t let it.

I very much much doubt she will ever give the relationship between her family and my eldest much thought. She would see it for what it is.

I am sorry I ever had the thought of putting her in the middle of this.

Yes, because you kept arguing with and trying to derail it.

Derailing what? You made your point repeatedly. I acknowledged it.

You have given your advice, I’m giving mine.

This entire discussion started because you replied to a post of mine about how OP is stuck with this and needs to learn to manage it by irrelevantly bringing up separation.The OP is stuck with what I said she is stuck with, separated or otherwise.

Sure, and several posts back I acknowledged your point and also acknowledged that we were talking at cross purposes and my point was a separate one.

Whether changing them would make DD1 or OP feel better about the in laws, harder to call.

It’s not hard to call at all. It astonishes me how so many adults apparently think it’s fine to force children into families with people who treat them like they are expendable/ don’t matter/ an added extra or an inconvenience. Yes in some situations, parts of the family don’t blend and everyone is fine with that. This situation is not one of those. OP knows that this situation is hurting her child, it’s not right to continue to impose it on her.