To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

We don’t know about the situation with DD1’s father and why it’s the way it is so there is no point speculating. It is just very sad that the in-laws are so discriminatory towards the whole family as in apparently helping everyone else with a property but not them. As for excluding her from a picture at a party because she’s not “blood”, words fail me. Of course they can take pictures of different family groups and that would be normal at a wedding. But at a house party? Good grief. It’s like airbrushing someone out of existence.

There’s that bit in fresh Prince that always knocks me and it’s Will’s break down, when his dad does appear and once again lets him down. Why didn’t he want me. And it just hits so hard.

Even now as a fully grown adult with my own children and he could be dead for all I know I still can’t watch it without feeling that exact hatred for that man and yet wanting to why I wasn’t good enough for him.

It’s a life long scar and photos with my siblings family didn’t fix that, parties didn’t fix that. Hell he could leave me a million pounds and it wouldn’t fix all the issues of not being/feeling good enough for him to want to be my dad.

@UndermyShoeJoe identity is exactly how I would describe it. When things happen like being abandoned by a parent it can affect you on an identity level and consequently mess with your self worth. I agree DD probably needs some support to work through her own understanding of what has happened, feelings about her dad, and then build her own positive self- identity and which isn't defined by what has happened to her, and help her see that she is good enough. I think doing this now would be really positive and really help her as she grows up. By deprioritised the DSP relationship which is distressing for DD OP also frees up energy and space for other relationships and experiences to grow.

Sorry to hear about your bio dad. That sounds rough

I got Christmas presents and birthday presents, I went to big family gatherings. I could call in an emergency and they would help. My sibling yes did get more than me, but they were their family. So sure maybe my Christmas present was £20 and theirs might have been £60 but it was still something they knew I’d like.

But they were my siblings family they were their first names.

As a child I knew my bio was shit. Shitter than shit. But my step dad who I do actually call dad unlike ops child family was not who I wanted to fill my biologicals family space. I wanted them to not be shit. I wanted to be recognised by them. I didn’t want a fake family.

I actually liked knowing where I stood in my step family it was a nice consistent

where did you stand out of curiosity?

Separating also won’t fix her not having a loving family form her dads side and then add trauma to another child.

Whose issues will then be mother taking her away from a loving family for her sister.

Now you’ve got two children living without their fathers, one with an involved dad and one without. One possibly and quite likely resentful at loosing her family due to her sisters jealously as a child brain will see it.

Considering the little sister is growing up in an extended family where people are happy half siblings and declare it, to her it’s perfectly fine and not a big deal only her sister is making it a big deal.

Ideally ops father wouldn’t have been a shit and she wouldn’t have ended up in a blended family but now there is two children to consider not just ones wants or feelings.

I actually liked knowing where I stood in my step family it was a nice consistent. None of the fakery that could be ripped away at a second like a parent just walking out.

Ahh I see, I disagree. I mean im sure the dd could do with therapy to deal with abandonment issues by her father. But I don’t think that will help with the wounds caused by exposing her to an unwelcoming blended family.

The only solution is therapy for the child so she work though her feelings of abandonment and feeling she doesn’t fit. Not that it will fix the issue as such but it will help her work thought it all and realise it’s not her she is good enough and she shouldn’t be embarrassed.

Nobody can personally fix it. Even if her father suddenly ran to her door tomorrow she would still have feeling about these last 9 years, there would still be the bubbling of the fact her sibling has everything she doesn’t again even if her father suddenly became dad of the year.

None of this is the dh/ops/siblings/inlaws fault it’s a product of her abandonment in fact if op divorced and the dh then didn’t want anything to do with her this would likely compound the issue of nobody wants me, which is often how you get children who become adults who self sabotage relationships because they never feel good enough and are just waiting for the person to leave to they push they away until they do and then it proves them right.

Exactly.

What would you see as being the solution?

Shark officially jumped!

sorry what?

You don't need to deliberately destroy the little one's happiness because the older one is struggling FFS.

Deliberately destroying the little one’s happiness 🫣. Is that how you view separation? No one should be forced into a blended family that is toxic for them, for the sake of two people being under the same roof.

As had been explained many times, it still won't fix the older one anyway when she sees Michelle up the road going off on holiday with grandparents.

as has been explained many times, no that issue will not be fixed. The issue that will be fixed is forcing a child to have a relationship with people who make her feel bad about herself.

I think the biggest issue which is what’s triggering op for want of a better word is her child basically having an identity crisis. She doesn’t have a family in the way her sister or friends do and that’s what she’s ultimately struggling with. She doesn’t feel
she fits anywhere and op apart from therapy cannot fix that. She stays with dh and her sister has this whole huge family, they split sister still goes off to this huge family while her other family cnba.

Which is you listen to step child a lot of us will tell you even if both parents do parent lovely. Even if it’s a 50:50 split we often never feel we belong that we are just interlopers in someone else’s family. Because if a split family and the other parent is around there is two households that often contain full time children so we don’t belong we are visitors in both houses it can often feel.

Take away one of those parents and you can now add on abandonment. We weren’t good enough for them to stick around while my sibling had two parents together and an extended family everything I don’t have. Why doesn’t my other parent want me, why want I good enough.

This is deeper for the ops daughter than a photo opportunity or not being a bridesmaid. It’s about the feelings of not fitting and her entire father’s family not wanting her. That’s why she’s embarrassed/ ashamed when it’s mentioned. That’s why op doesn’t like how her bils children happily throw around half’s about themselves because it’s a constant wound opener for her child who needs more help inside.

Shark officially jumped!

You don't need to deliberately destroy the little one's happiness because the older one is struggling FFS. As had been explained many times, it still won't fix the older one anyway when she sees Michelle up the road going off on holiday with grandparents. The older one needs help and support, not losing her step dad too.

Completely agree.

If a son or daughter has a step child who they are embracing as part of a new family then I think grand parents should follow suit. I appreciate that love for that child may not grow in the same way but some of the grandparents on MN are unkind towards step grand-children by behaving in this way.

It’s about kindness and compassion towards children. Imagine the hurt a young child might feel when they realise this is happening:(

I agree with your eldest not being around your husbands parents so much.
They actually don't sound like very nice people towards your husband.
I also agree that I don't think your husband is a great man.
I really feel for your eldest.
She carrys a painful burden for a child.

Do you advocate taking away younger DDs nuclear family in order that older DD doesn't have to be in a blended family?

It’s a tricky one, but overall I don’t think it would be right to stay in a family set up that wasn’t working for one of my children- rather better to find an alternative that - although perhaps not ideal- could at least work for everyone. (Of course this is easy to say as someone not in this situation- obviously life is so much more complex than that, and not meaning to judge OP).

But the being in a blended family ship had sailed! Do you advocate taking away younger DDs nuclear family in order that older DD doesn't have to be in a blended family? OP is trying to balance more than one person's needs and wishes

No where has OP suggested that she is unhappy in her relationship.

No- she has said her child is unhappy. I wouldn’t want to subject my child to a blended family situation that was making them unhappy.

It's mad to me that OP splitting from her DH is suggested as a solution to this problem. No where has OP suggested that she is unhappy in her relationship or that this is something on her radar.

This is the situation they are in and splitting the marriage because DHs parents are polite and kind but don't take older DD as their grandchild is a wild overreaction. And won't even save the problem as older DD would still see her sister getting what she hasn't got, a dad and an extended family.

Not taking older DD to DHs family events and doing something nice with her instead, plus maybe getting her some support with her feelings around her father's absence, seems a much less nuclear option.

My God. If your husband tolerates this, divorce him. It's horrendous behaviour.

@SpanishFork

Thanks for the update OP. I actually wouldn't describe your DH's parents as 'kind'. They sound like the sort of affluent family that are very hot on good manners and treating guests well.

However, I find it telling that your DH is the only one of their children not to receive any help with buying a property. This is because they would be worried about you and your daughter (non-blood family) benefitting from their money. They feel so strongly about this that they prefer not to help their own son get on the property ladder, which would also benefit their blood-related grandchild, than risk any of the money trickling down to you and your daughter.

You have made the right decision to reduce the time that your older daughter spends with them.

Very eloquently put

She’s 9. She doesn’t need to learn to cope just yet

The more I think about it after reading your update, @SpanishFork, the more I think the “step back” strategy is your best option. In the worst case, nothing much changes but you shield your older DD a bit from having to confront the reality of her situation versus that of her younger half sister. But in the best case, it might lead to some positive change.

If I’ve got the measure of your PILs correctly from your post, they are decent, family oriented people - but from the sort of affluent background that makes them very sensitive to any sort of whiff of entitlement. And possibly, when their son married someone with a child, they got a bit antsy about the repercussions of this and had conversations themselves all g the lines of “we shouldn’t be expected to save/provide in the same way for another man’s child” and took a firm “we are not her grandparents” stance. At the same time, though, they are decent enough to buy a Christmas gift and an Easter egg etc - because they would always want to be kind to a child.

Your pulling back is bound to raise questions. “Where’s Spanish?”. It’s bound to. And - let’s be honest - the first couple of times might be seen as a positive for them (they can get their “grandchildren” photos all day to their hearts’ content). But after a while? If they’re decent people, they are going to ask why. And wonder if they’ve upset you. And that then opens up the possibility of a proper conversation about how your DD1 feels about her lack of paternal family versus her friends and her sister. And you can paint it back to them “of course, nothing that can be done about her father’s useless family. She’s not your grandchild and you’ve always been so thoughtful to include her in presents and invite her to things…..”. But it will make them stop and think. How you’ve written here about your DD really makes me feel for her - and I’m very much of the notion that it’s perfectly understandable for them not to see her as a grandchild. But they’ll then have much more of an insight into how she feels -and they’ll maybe wonder if they could have been kinder. If it would have been nice to send a birthday card, or buy a bigger Christmas gift. If the party when she wasn’t there might have looked a bit exclusionary. And then maybe there’ll be an invitation along the lines of “and we do hope DD1 will come”. And if she does come, there’ll be a little more interest shown in her and those relationships can start to develop naturally. And maybe everyone (and especially DD1 herself) can feel more comfortable with her place in the family, even if it’s as a person in her own right and not a grandchild.

A lot of this is pure speculation, of course, but I do think taking some positive action will help you and your older DD either way.

Interesting truncation, missing "to cope". We all need to learn to cope with sub-optimal parts of life. Some people have to learn to cope with illness or physical disability, this girl needs to learn to cope with the mental harm caused by her father and his family. It's no good being sympathetic but pretending that ignoring her sister's family will help, when OP already said she gets upset about friends' families too. The problem needs to be dealt with head-on.