To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

Yes I agree, definitely more complicated. Perhaps “unblending” isn’t the right word.

The in-laws aren’t the problem, they are just an example of the problem.

Ultimately this is the core of the issue. There is a division of opinion on this thread into those who think the in-laws aren’t the problem, and those who think the in-laws are very much part of the problem.
I don’t think anyone believes they are the whole problem, but myself and others, think they are a substantial part in their own right, and are making things substantially worse.

It's not the same as unblending though. It's more harmful as unblending is when you have tried to put two families together, it hadn't worked and you return to separate family units. They have a shared child so it's more complicated than that.

The in-laws aren’t the problem, they are just an example of the problem.

The problem is a young girl reaching an age where she has become very aware she doesn’t have a father or grandparents, and she is struggling with that. Entirely understandably.

She was distressed when her doctor was told, she’s upset by her friends going away with their grandparents and she is hurt and upset when she sees her half sister with her grandparents and cousins.

As @UndermyShoeJoe says, she needs help with that. Not destroying another family through separation, not being included in a few photos, but actually addressing the core issue.

You can separate nuclear families and you can separate blended families.

@Tandora they aren't a blended family of the type that can unblend. That would only be an option if the second DD for example was DH's child from a previous relationship. Then unblending would just mean "raising the kids together isn't working, we should live separately/move out".

If DH was an awful stepfather then you'd be left with the nuclear option of breaking up the family, but in this family that means that elder DD loses another father figure and experiences another family breakdown, and younger DD also experiences family breakdown.

Eyes would glaze over either way

then why are you so intent with arguing with me about it ? If it was so irrelevant you wouldn’t be so invested in engaging.

Ultimately, there are aspects of this situation that OP is stuck with

There are aspects she are stuck with. These aspects are that her DD’s dad isn’t involved, this hurts her DD. She sees her sibling has relationships that she doesn’t. That hurts.

There are aspects she is not stuck with

• eg that she has blended a family with in-laws who don’t view her DD as family and are behaving in ways that are hurting Dd.

She is asking for advice on how to manage that.
I’m offering it.

My advice won’t solve the first, it will solve the second.

You don’t have to agree with my advice and you are free to ignore it and/ or glaze your eyes if you wish.

Oh hello

If you were familiar with Tandora's contributions on the sex and gender discussion board, none of this would come as a surprise to you.

Quite a backstory you've constructed here. You seem to have a vivid capacity for invention. If someone doesn't type something, never mind, you'll make it up anyway.

And again, you need to stop conflating words that have different meanings. Your moral take on the behaviour of the ILs is irrelevant. She hasn't asked for that and it makes no difference to the situation. This doesn't mean OP leaving her DH isn't possible, because everyone knows divorce exists.

Those are two very separate things. I haven't said whether she should or shouldn't leave DH, incidentally, and nobody would value my take on that any more than they do yours. Eyes would glaze over either way.

Ultimately, there are aspects of this situation that OP is stuck with. And she is asking for advice on how to manage them. One of them is the clear, ongoing influence that ILs are going to have in DD1s life whatever OP does.

No I agree, and I acknowledged that a while back (certain pps are just intent in continuing a nonsense argument).

It won’t solve all of OP’s DD’s issues- she will still suffer the loss of her dad and that side of her family. She will still see that others have relationships she doesn’t. Nothing can protect her from that.

HOWEVER, I believe that there is additional harm that comes with forcing children to blend in unwelcoming step families. It can trigger and exacerbate those wounds when dd is forced to participate/ be part of a family that gives her little crumbs , but always makes her feel like she doesn’t quite fit/ belong/ matters (eg cutting her out of group photos). Thats the harm that I’m suggesting can be reduced by unblending this family.

And that is because there is a certain community of mumsnetters who adhere to the philosophy that adults in step families are entitled to treat step children however the fuck they like . that they should be entirely immune to judgements for their behaviour and that in any case nobody can stop them, so there!

I can't say I've seen that point of view on the thread. There's lots of posters saying the IL are cruel awful people, and other saying the IL are being reasonable if they're polite and nice to older DD but don't treat her the same. I don't think there are any saying adults can treat stepchildren however they like without being judged and no one can stop them haha. It seems older DD isn't the only one who needs help with bigger feelings.

And listen, @UrinalCake it is perfectly understandable that you disagree with my suggestion OP should “unblend” the family- admittedly that is nuclear advice. Like when someone says LTB! Others may point out that that is reactive, hyperbolic and impractical advice. I get that. We can agree to disagree on whether that is an appropriate or proportionate reaction.

But to pretend that the advice is irrelevant. That the option is not available . That it will have no meaningful effect. That judgements about what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable treatment of others have no place in the discussion, etc, etc. All the things you have been trying to do in this particular conversation with me is a tactic that is always and only applied in these types of step parenting threads.

And that is because there is a certain community of mumsnetters who adhere to the philosophy that adults in step families are entitled to treat step children however the fuck they like . that they should be entirely immune to judgements for their behaviour and that in any case nobody can stop them, so there!

I see it on every thread and I know exactly what it’s all about.

Exactly.

Yes, confused is a good description of your attitude to this subject.

Let's use the Cambridge definition for ease.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/influence

It says 'the power to have an effect on people or things, or a person or thing that is able to do this'

Let's also say OP did divorce DH, and DD1 didn't go to any of their family gatherings. There would be no personal relationship other than anything that arose from attendance at DD2s events.

ILs would still have the power to have an effect on her, because they would continue to be a fixture in DD2s life. DD1 would, as others have pointed out, not only know that other people have involved grandparents but also that they get relationships with their father and his family even after the partnership ends. We already know that she is affected by the ILs. This meets the dictionary definition above.

It's bigger than the IL though, older DD is also upset that her friends have two bio parents and involved grandparents, OP can't stop her being connected to other DC who've got what she hasn't. Even ending the marriage/cutting off the IL won't solve the issue, older DD needs some help to manage her feelings because in life she is definitely going to have to interact with people and family set ups that aren't the same as hers and trying to prevent that isn't dealing with the issue.

😂. Sorry but I can look up the word influence in the dictionary but it provides no insight into wtf you are on about.

To be honest, people who I have no interaction / relationship with have very little “influence” in my life. Even if they are related to other people that are related to me, and I know they exist, it really doesn’t affect me.

If that’s different for you , I’m quite confused.

Multiple examples of completely making things up are the tactics of someone who doesn't understand what they're reading.

The word 'influence' is one that you used first. It does in fact have a meaning, and is not at all vague, as any good dictionary will be able to show you. I'm not sure whether you genuinely don't understand, or whether you realise that relationship and influence aren't the same thing and you wish it wasn't so obvious.

The OP has insufficient agency to prevent this situation having continual, ongoing influence on DD1. She can do some things, and we've both agreed she ought to eg not take DD1 round. That is, setting a boundary.

But any boundary OP is capable of setting will not prevent influence from being had, and there is no amount of bullshitting or throwing toys out of prams that will change any of that. OP is stuck with it. It's not actually helpful for her to pretend otherwise.

OP does seem to get that, hence the thread is about how to manage the situation going forward.

Adopted children and step children are not the same. OP has said adoption is not on the cards, older DD doesn't call DH dad and he isn't her dad. So what would happen with an adopted child isn't relevant. I have adopted and step children in my family,all are loved and welcomed but it's not the same thing

Insulting me are the tactics of someone who knows they aren’t really making sense.

This word “influence” is doing a lot for you here, and let’s face it , it’s pretty vague/ meaningless.

So let’s agree shall we:

1. nothing OP can do will change the fact that these GP exist (as the GP of her youngest) and her eldest daughter will be aware of their existence.

2. However, OP can ensure that her eldest dd has no interaction and relationship with these GP because their behaviour upsets her.

This is the type of boundary it’s very normal and appropriate to set when someone’s behaviour makes you feel like utter crap and has a negative influence in your life. You can’t control someone else’s behaviour- you can control their level of access to you. Yes they still exist and you may be aware of that, and they may have relationships with some of the people around you, but preventing their access to you nonetheless helps.

Hope we have finally cleared that up.

because it doesn't matter… Nobody cares

Of course it matters. That’s the whole point.

The behaviour of these people is hurting OP’s child. As the mother of this child, OP needs to protect her from this.

Its like if someone posts about their DH who is treating them like crap. pp’s will point out to the OP that DH’s behaviour is unacceptable, that it’s totally reasonable that she is hurt by it and recommend she LTB!!

Thats all that is going on here.

BUT when it comes to step parents and their treatment of step children, pp’s like you come along and get really enraged when other pp’s like point out that certain behaviour is wrong and hurtful and suggest the OP sets boundaries. It happens every time.

You want to pretend that behaviour of adults towards children in step families are immune to the usual scrutiny and judgement, and that people who are affected/ hurt by such behaviours have no agency to influence/ change things or set appropriate boundaries for themselves or their children.
And we all know why.

@UndermyShoeJoe his loss without a doubt.
You read as a very special woman with great self awareness and empathy.

Being someone whose step family never accepted them, I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. Growing up my stepfathers family never accepted me, my older brother, and always questioned the paternity art of my younger sister, yet we were the ones they always called on when they needed things. The flip side is my paternal grandmother always accepted my younger sister who wasn’t biologically related, but she was the sister of her grandchildren and therefore family.
Its so crazy how adults are the immature ones and take out their frustrations on children who have no control over their parents relationships or lack there of.

I agree and I have to wonder whether everyone saying ‘well it’s understandable, they’re not actually related as she’s not their real grand daughter etc etc’ would think this behaviour would be acceptable if the couple later adopted a child.

Should an adopted grandchild be left out of photos? I would guess the answer is no. So perhaps the same grace should be given to step grandchildren.