To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

YABU to expect your in-laws to accept your daughter into their family just like that. No matter how your DH has accepted her. You need to learn to live with this.

YABVU to leave this to your daughter to handle.

It’s not just some random child, it’s their adult child’s step child.

Wanting photos of your biological GC if they are 'official' professional photos e.g. at graduation, wedding anniversary etc is one thing, but at a family get-together where every Tom, Dick and Harry has their phone out taking dozens of pics it seems unnecessary to be separating people out.

Do you feel the same about adopted children? The grandparents don’t choose that either. Or to have grandchildren at all in fact.

I’d orchestrate an opportunity to do the same to them. Invite everyone over at Easter/Birthday/Christmas for example, then take a photo of just your parents, siblings, children and husband and post on SM ‘lovely day with our family’!

If they say anything about you excluding them then you can politely explain that this is how they make your daughter feel.

I knew people would disagree, and I 100% understand the bond may not be the same and that’s completely valid and normal

But “the grandparents are forced”

I’m sorry but if you love and support your adult child you’d understand their step children are a huge part of their life, a step parent can be just as important as a biological parent.

To clearly exclude someone such a huge part in your adult child’s life especially a CHILD is unfair and mean.

So you, an adult, can’t use words to sort this? But you expect a 5 year old to do just that?

Really? Maybe think about your own behaviour…

Absolutely awful, I was excluded from holidays, photos, gifts everything being the daughter from another man who I've never even met.

I stopped visiting altogether when I grew up as it broke my heart to see pictures of the 4 of them all over the house and none of me.
Being excluded really hurts and the child certainly does notice everything.
You need to tell them if they don't include your daughter then your children don't see them at all. That's your responsibility as the adult.

Parents never get to choose their adult children's set ups. The kid should be in the pictures, they're part of the family.

It's not for your 5 year old to deal with.

But I dont think yabu and I think your DH should have a quiet word with them along the lines of what others have said re your DC being his family now.

The rubbish attitude towards anything step-related is one of the more depressing things I've learnt about people on Mumsnet so some of the comments on this thread are not a suprise at all.

My Mum's parents were divorced and married to new partners before I was born. I know it's different because one half of each pair was obviously my biological grandparent, but I saw them all equally as just grandparents and we were all just their grandkids and there was none of this drama and nonsense. There is nothing to gain by excluding a child and lots to lose. It's just ridiculous and not worth it.

Your eldest isn't their's. There's no reason why they should want someone else's child on their family photo.

Just because you want it, doesn't make it so.

Unfair to put this on a 5 year old.

It's up to you to express how you and your oldest child feel. I don't think it's unreasonable for a grandparent to want pictures of just them and their biological grandchild though, your oldest child has biological grandparents that they don't share with your youngest...does your oldest child's paternal grandparents have pictures taken with your youngest child? Presumably not. Perhaps explain this to your older child..."these are your sister's Dad's parents, your Dad's parents has pictures with you and not her, I know it can feel like you are getting left out sometimes but you and your sister have different grandparents, that's all."

Disagree with this, the grandparents don't chose this relationship, it being forced on them. I do think generally the stepchildren should be included of course, but there's nothing wrong with them.wanting a picture of their grandchildren. The grandchild and grandparents bond is very special, and I'd assume the stepftanchild has their own grandparents who also feel the same about them

Why are you visiting them?

Does your husband see your oldest as his? That's the main question

If he does, HE needs to be enforcing a ban on their weird treatment

Yabu to visit them tbh - if they can't include a 5 year old in their lives, how's it gonna be for her in 10 years?

You are being very unreasonable to expect your five year-old to handle this!

If you are unhappy with the situation you should speak to the adults, including your husband.

Yes of course. Let’s make the 5 yo negotiate this issue that is too tricky for you as an adult to navigate by using your words. Obviously that’s the answer 🙄

Absolutely this.

A five year old can’t manage this.
I’m part of a step family and my parents don’t have photos of my sd anywhere and my ils don’t have photos of mine anywhere. It’s just how it is and I wouldn’t expect it. Your dh can have a word but ultimately it’s their house and their grandchildren.

Yes I agree with this so much, this is why I commented saying you are being crappy for excluding your adult child’s stepchildren

You may not always feel the same as you do with your bio grandchildren, and that’s okay, but to clearly exclude someone who is a huge part of your adult sons life is crappy

Your husband needs to talk to his parents and explain that your daughter is upset that she never appears in any family photos. You are married, you're not some random girlfriend, but their son's wife, who happens to have a child of your own. I understand they may not feel quite the same towards your daughter as she's not their biological grandchild. However, in front of her, they should treat her exactly the same as their other grandchildren. That means including her in photos or activities. Do they buy her birthday and Christmas presents? You, could make a point of taking a picture of all the grandchildren and make a point of including your daughter. Your husband needs to tell his parents, that you are his wife, and not including your daughter is not only disrespectful to you and your daughter but to him too.

I agree it’s totally unfair to put this on a 5 year old (or any child actually). I see why you and she are upset but I can also see I guess why they may want a photo with just their biological grandkids. It’s insensitive of them if this is the only photos they display though. And if it’s upsetting her I’d talk to them about it - you’d like to think they’d be a bit more tactful if they realise it’s upsetting your child. If I was the grandparent in this situation I would display both (well TBH I’m the sort of person would have your daughter in the pics as part of the family but I can see where they’re coming from to an extent).

What does your husband think about this?

If he doesn't think it's an issue that his family want photos of biological grandchildren/cousins only then you are on a hiding to nothing making a fuss about this.

If he agrees with you that it's cruel to your eldest and that she should be treated as an equal part of the family, this is a conversation he needs to have with his parents.

Absolutely do not use your five year old to make a point.

Unpopular opinion but if your child marries someone with children and they act as a step parent role too, you’re a crappy parent / grandparent for clearly excluding that child

I will not back down on this opinion

Of course you can’t at a party I would expect many pictures to be taken with just one of my two in it

what shouldn’t be taken is huge group photos without her being included

Really unfair for you to put this on your 5 year old.

Definitely not unreasonable for being hurt for the way they treat your eldest,

This is where your DH needs to step in and speak to his parents