To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

Spot on, thank you for sharing

@SpanishFork

Are you expecting the grandparents to contribute to an ISA for your daughter when she is not their bio grandchild?

If yes, I think that is spectacularly unrealistic.

They may not realise how hurtful their behaviour is (they should but we are not all built the same) so as others have said maybe speak to your in laws about ways they can be more inclusive. I would tell them your eldest is incredibly hurt because they love their step family and want to be part of it. Ultimately they will do as they please and you will need to manage this and your child’s feelings with honesty. Poor kid it’s so bloody sad.

Why wouldn't they want a picture with just their grandchildren in? I don't see a problem.

Gently, OP, this is batshit behaviour.

You and your husband need to use your words.

Can you phrase as GC and step GC will notice there's no photos of them together in your house and they'll wonder why as they are sisters.
GC may be only 5 now but she'll notice when older surely, especially given it's already upsetting her sister.

Would your eldest be upset for them to know she has noticed and is hurt? They might think she hasn't noticed or doesn't care and need telling, but I can see if she's confided in you she might not want you to tell them.

If your husband won't address it, chuck a grenade into the situation amd force it to a head.

Take a picture of your girls together, in a frame, to the inlaws and pretend it's a lovely gift. Get the 5yo to hand it over and suggest it would look lovely next to the others.

Their move.

Yet another story of adults choosing to have children in multiple relationships and expect all the other adults to play along with their fairytale happy "blended family".

If the inlaws treat the older child fairly and kindly on the whole, there is nothing wrong with them wanting to have a photo of their grandchildren. It is not their fault (and not yours) that the older child's paternal grandparents are a bit shit, but it is really unfair to expect them to step in and compensate for that shitness and pretend that the relationship they have with your older child is the same as with the younger one.

I can't imagine expecting my in laws to put photos of my dc up. They include them on the day when we see them and get a small gift a Christmas when all together and that is more than enough

Absolutely not. So inappropriate to ask this of a 5 year old!

Adults need to deal with this by having a conversation. Stop involving the children.

I can't imagine leaving out a child, though if you're new to the family it can be a bit tricky. In our family nobody ever got left out, so we have several photos of all us cousins with one or two random kids inserted in on different years who were dating mum's cousin's string of boyfriends. When we show the photos to our kids it's like "I think that one's Tim? No, Paul? Well it was one of Auntie X's friends' children... Anyway, look at uncle John's hair!"

Give a few nice frames to inlaws as gifts.
Include a photo of both your children in one.
Ask that they use another to display one of the photos they casually take - but one which includes your oldest too.

Explain that you are assisting them to have a more balanced display of photos in their home due to respecting your older child's feelings. You can't stop them framing their own grandchildren in some shots and displaying those as well.

They will not have meant to be hurtful.

Tell her she obviously takes the best photos which is why they choose them.

It sounds like actually they're doing their best to include her when they do want pictures of their grandchildren.
You say the children all take photos so it's not like they're saying "you stay out of it". They've found a way that they thought was not obvious.
Quietly tell them that she has noticed -assuming that it's her noticing and not you. Maybe ask them to send you one of the ones with both in.

But it isn't unreasonable for them to want some photos of just their grandchildren. If you split up then they'll never see her again.

Can he explain to them that she understands that the "real" photos that go on display are the ones they get her to take so she's not in them, and that they might think they're being subtle when they treat her differently, but she does notice and it upsets her? That it would be nice if they could include her in the proper photos that they display in their home so she feels included?

You can't put that on a five year old.

Mum says I'm not allowed to be in any photos without my sister.

I'm not sure that would go down well and it's unfair on your children.

I think it depends on your DD. IE how old she is, how long she has been part of their lives, whether she has active grandparents on dad's side etc

Maybe they feel like they would be overstepping to take photos?

So they are not excluding her from the group pictures, just choosing to display in their house pics with all their GC and not their son’s wife’s child? Fair enough! Assuming you have access to the group pics where she is and could display these in your house?
How old is your eldest / how long has she known your ILs for?

Is your husband willing to speak to his parents and explain how hurt you and your daughter feel about her being treated differently?

It's not nice to exclude a child. It should ever be done in a hurtful way. At the same time, it's not up to your child.

You need to talk to the adults.

Does your eldest see her own grandparents? I’m from a step family and didn’t see my step siblings’ grandparents as my own, wouldn’t expect to appear in family photos etc and while they always included me and my biological brother and made gestures towards us, we weren’t treated the same as in time spent, value of birthday and Christmas presents which we fully understood because they weren’t our grandparents, we had our own who were similar in their treatment of our ss, kind and inclusive but definitely not the same.

What a horrible attitude. Why would anyone exclude a child. A stepchild is still a grandchild.