To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

It's not the job of a 5yr old to enforce your rules.

I don't think you're being ridiculous, I can completely understand that it's hurtful to feel that your child is being excluded. And hurtful to think that your child might be feeling unwanted or excluded themselves. However I do agree that the grandparents might want a photo of just their grandchildren and there's nothing wrong with that. It probably just needs to be done in a more sensitive manner.

You’re being unreasonable because you expect your five year old to manage this.
And also because you seem to think your in laws aren’t entitled to photos of only their biological grandchildren/family.
Your DH made a choice to blend a family. Perfectly fine. But that doesn’t mean everyone else in that family have to act as though the same is true for them.

I have been in your shoes op so I get how hurtful it is. I don’t think you can expect your 5 year old to deal with it though. I’d tell in-laws that it upsets your daughter (or get DH to) Hopefully they react with.. We’re so sorry of course we will include her, or not. If not then they’d not be around my child again. My SIL was like this with my son and refused to change. My husband visits that side of the family separately from me now and has done for years.

I hate this kind of stuff, your DH has taken on your eldest child as his own I bet he doesn't exclude said child? Very unfair of grandparents to exclude step grandchildren....so hurtful and confusing for the child. I feel for you OP xxx

OP, gently. Is your eldest daughter honestly upset by this? Or are you upset about it, and projecting?

Just asking as you’ve referred more generally to feeling hurt that your children aren’t having the same life experiences.

If your in-laws intentions are good - which you think they are, given they’re trying to include her in a round of photographs even if they don’t display the one with your eldest in - that’s an easy gloss over surely by telling your daughter she’s the best photographer so that’s why they want to put her photos up.

Telling your 5yo to refuse family photos without her sister is not a reasonable solution.

I think it is hard to navigate.

I used to think of course Step kids should be treated the same - but since then seen within my own family when they are and the relationship breaks down you are suddenly not allowed to know anything about this child who suddenly nothing to do with you. My parents also found they were expected to take down photos with setp child in.

I don't think it fair expecting 5 year old to deal with the situation but your DH having a word and letting them know the photo sitiation been noticed and is upsetting the step child that's better way forward - so they can adjust behavior or at very least all the adults know where they stand.

My daughter was 3 when I met my husband. His dad treated her exactly the same as he did his other grandchildren. Becky was NEVER referred to as a step-child or a step-grandchildren, because he was a decent person 🙂

We said nanna and grandad aren't very kind to XXX sometimes, so we aren't going to visit as a whole family anymore. Ex still took 3 youngest DD's round after xmas/day after bdays etc. But they were the ones that missed out in the end because they then didn't get to see GC on the days they deemed important.

My ex felt as strongly as I did about it too, which helped.

She’s not their grandchild though ?
Also if you and your husband split up they’d have photos of some random kid.

I think YABU only to expect the 5yo to 'deal' with it. It needs to be addressed with inlaws by your DH.

My eldest had a different dad to my younger 3 and she was often excluded in lots of ways by MIL & FIL. SIL was amazing though.

In the end my (now ex) husband told them, we're 5 or 0. And MIL made a snotty comment and we never visited as a family again.

This.

It would be nice if the grandparents also viewed the OP's DD from a previous relationship as their grandchild, but the OP cannot force the grandparents to do this. It is ultimately the grandparents' choice.

The OP involving her five-year old child in the issue by telling her not to have photos without her sister is batshit. Maybe the grandparents have good reasons why they would like to keep their distance.

There is no way they will ever treat her like a granddaughter.
I don’t ever expect them to but I could never have predicted little things like photos (or fucking ISAs)!

This is VVVVVU

She isn't their grandchild.

They are perfectly entitled to save money for their grandchild and have no obligation to save money for a child who isn't actually their grandchild. Just as your exes parents shouldn't be expected to save for your subsequent child from your current marriage.

This is all part of choosing to start over again and blend families and a choice you made, unfortunately. The resentment at the grandparents, sil and cousins seems misplaced.

completely agree Lilac. All of this “blood family” bullshit is just hurtful and totally unnecessary. How anyone can be so deliberately unkind to a child is beyond me.

Speak with the in laws, not the child. They could still.photoshop a picture taken of them together. Just explain how hurtful this is to the child.

Whatever your feelings about this you cannot tell people what pictures they can and cannot have in their own home. It makes sense they might like pictures of their own grandchildren, without an unrelated child in the photograph. You need to help your elder child understand this and not expect to dictate how others choose to decorate their space.

its crap she’s one little kid. Why can’t they include her? But really this needs to come from your dh. Or gift them a lovely framed picture of your kids so at least there’s one:

I had similar with Pil, not as bad but dd was 14 when DS was born so less obvious but yes more spent at Xmas , treats for grand kids my dd left out. But they did include her in everything including photos and even granddad’s eulogy. They did once put pics of me dh, ds, bil, sil and dns on a wall and dd was missing which stung a bit.

Photos are one thing. Contributing to an ISA though, that would be only if your DH adopted her. Would anyone really expect this? DH relative has 4 kids, I wouldn't expect the GP of the youngest 2 to build up savings for the eldest 2, that would seem really odd. They get money from their dad and their own mum's family, I expect that is less but I don't see why it's different than cousins getting different amounts. The whole world isn't equal.

You think they should have a savings account for non grandchildren?

Many do see a big problem. I’ve posted this before but my DM’s friend has never treated her DSD differently from her bio DGC. She wouldn’t dream of doing so. Why on earth wouldn’t the step GD be included in the photo? All this ‘ well if you divorced they wouldn’t see her’ nonsense. How about ‘carry on like this and you won’t see either child’ - which would be my line, and DH’s.