To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

You think they should save in an ISA for a non related child?

Do you also believe that her older child's father's parents should save for her new husband's child? Why?

They both have separate paternal grandparents. Where do you draw the line?

What do you believe about inheritance?

That the step-child should inherit from three grandparents and the subsequent child two? Won't the subsequent child feel hurt?

I get you OP it wouldn't hurt to have another child smiling in a group photo. Bloody hell if anyone asks who everyone is they could just say that's our granddaughter X and next to her is Y, her big sister on her mum's side. I think its cruel to leave her out.

My PIL have a huge amount of favouritism for DH's sibling. Their house is COVERED in photos of that sibling's DC and there is one photo of our child in their entire house, which I gave to them. And our DC is their biological grandchild. It's one of the reasons I don't make any effort to go to their house, all visits are left to DH to organise which means they happen about once a year.

Just because they re perfectly entitled doesn’t mean they should. Their is a hurt child at the centre of this

Yabu.

Its too much to put on a 5 year old, plus are you saying your in laws aren't allowed any photos of their grandchildren without your other child in the photo? It may be upsetting for you but presumably your eldest has another set of grandparents on her dad's side - are those grandparents now expected to display pictures of your new child with their sibling?

You can't force a relationship that isn't there. It might be upsetting for you, but take it from me, it's quite difficult for wider family when step children are introduced who you don't really have a relationship but you are suddenly expected to treat as family.

Have you told your husband that your daughter is getting upset? He really needs to step up here and talk to his parents. He married you knowing you had a child and that you came as a pair.

Unless there’s way more going on than you’ve said, you’re massively overthinking this. If you don’t like your in-laws in general just say so.

I wouldn’t drag a 5 year old into the situation and put the problem onto their shoulders, I just wouldn’t visit them Easter Sunday full stop.
Your in-laws aren’t giving a good message to either of your children - one is favoured, one is made to feel second best. I wouldn’t want that for my children.

I don’t fully understand this to be honest, this is a tricky situation but you explain it to a child in age appropriate terms- she & her sibling do have different relationships with DH’s family.

Could you offer to take a photo when it comes to your DD turn? You say they all take turns at taking photos and it’s always the one your DD takes that’s displayed, is that because it has all biological children in where as the ones your DD is in a biological member is taking the photo? If I was MIL I’d ask for someone to take a photo so I could have all family children biological or not. Maybe she hasn’t thought of that?

You can’t say no photos without the other. Everyone is an individual and allowed photos individually or with certain people without always needing to include someone else.

YABU to put this on a child, yes.

Unless it’s a “everybody come for a photo, oh except you OP’s daughter” I don’t see the massive issue with it and would just take the tack that it’s just a photo, it’s not my photo and it doesn’t have to go in my house

Well if you don't stand up for your child who will? Do you want her to be damaged mentally, because I certainly was.

I'm afraid I have to go with this. Your child isn't their grandchild - your feelings matter, but so do theirs. You married their son, not them. And putting it on a child to sort out is wrong. If you really want to discuss this, then your and/or your husband need to explain to them like grown ups, but in the end you cannot force them to display pictures of a child who is no relation to them at all.

Maybe this is the way forward - if you can't talk to IL or think it will change nothing.

Would you take both your dds to see the in-laws if you and your dh split up OP?

Gosh no, don't drag a 5yo into this.

If your DH won't speak to them then you have the choice to speak to them yourself or accept the status quo.

YANBU to want things to change but it's very unreasonable to put it on your children's shoulders to affect that change @SpanishFork.

So when your eldest daughter goes to their other grandparents (dads parents), are they allowed photos of her without your youngest child?

Double standards.

The eldest needs to understand that although she has the same standing as sister in your household - that doesn't carry to other households (stepdads parents). She isnt their grandchild.

It’s easy enough to say “ok let’s get a photo in with everyone” though. That would be kind, it’s not like they have to display every photo or even keep them.

This is how it should be!! x

This! If you split your dd will never have to see them again, so
why force them to have photos of her? They are completely reasonable to just want photos of their GC. Also YOU and your DH made a choice of being together, I really don’t think kids should be forced on others just because of that. Being kind to a child is expected, but they don’t have to be forced to treat them equally (ISA’s!!).

“It’s a fucking photo” - goes both ways OP 💐 It sounds like it’s symbolic of other frustrations for you though.

Why on MN are step mothers told they don't have to do all sorts of things with their step children as they have two parents but step grandparents are expected to behave as if all grandchildren are biological?