To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

I think you have posted a few times before OP. Are you also the poster who was going to boycott a wedding because your eldest wasn't invited?

In your shoes I would take a step back from these large family gatherings and let your DH crack on with your younger dd and you do separate things with your older dd. I imagine these things are a few times a year so it is doable.

There is obviously deep seated upset and resentment on your part, and now that your dd is picking up on things the only thing you can do - other than not see them at all - is step back and send your dh to these events with your youngest.

I don’t see it as unreasonable for them to want some photos with just biological grandchildren in them. Anyway it’s not up to your 5 year old to sort out

It's sad they don't have any photos including her in their home.

It's also sad that they don't get her a birthday gift.

But you mentioned ISAs. I really don't think they are obliged to open or pay into a savings account for your DD.

You need to either accept the reality that your elder child is not your in-laws grandchild, or end the marriage. No amount of posting on this forum is going to change the fact that your DH's extended family do not count stepchildren as 'proper' relatives. It is not helping either of your children for you to dwell on this.

I think (remembering all of your previous threads) it’s time to stop trying to make you ILS treat your children fairly. Stop going to these family days, let DH take your youngest and you and oldest have a mother/daughter day. Dd2 can choose eventually what she’d rather be doing.

You can be honest and tell ILS that it upsets DD1 too much to be excluded and so you won’t coming anymore. You can’t exclude DD2 from her family, even though you’d want to understandably, but you’ve already said DH doesn’t care that DD1 is excluded and so you need to accept the situation as it is. The only person you can control is yourself

Don't expect a 5 year old to manage your issues. There is also nothing wrong with them wanting a photo of just their biological grandchild. If people are generally kind, polite to her that should be enough.

Maybe have a chat with your eldest and explain their side of it.

Ok, so is your eldest genuinely upset that she is not in any photographs or is it you that is upset? You say she's never commented on not getting a birthday present so does it bother her?

Personally, if it were me and my eldest was upset, I would have a quiet word with in-laws (backed up by DH) and explain that it would be nice if there was just one photo of her put up seeing as DH considers her as his own. If they are decent people they will agree. Maybe they are just set in their ways and don't see the issue.

Your five year old isn’t responsible for your older child.

So many many threads about older step children feeling left out, parents need to manage their children’s expectations. They are her half sisters grandparents and uncles and aunties.

It’s not your youngest child’s fault your older one’s family are shit, always the way where if the older family has ducked out they expect the new husbands family to pick up the pieces never happens when the older childs family are in the picture funnily enough.

It has been a while since I’ve been so disgusted with the behaviour of so many people all in a single post.

I don’t know what is going on in your head, but I can only assume that this situation has made you so upset, you’ve stopped thinking clearly. You seriously want your five year old to disobey every single adult telling her to come over to them for photos without her elder sister? Is she supposed to just say ‘no Nan, I’m not coming and you can’t make me. I’m staying with my sister’? At five, she’s still small enough to be scooped up and physically carried so is she supposed to kick and scream if one of the relatives comes and gets her? You can’t put that level of responsibility on a five year old! She either pisses off her grandparents by refusing to do what they ask, or she upsets you and her sister because she’s failed to stand her ground against a load of supposedly grown arsed adults. I can’t believe that any of you would turn this into an issue where the children were responsible for managing how adults behave. Fucking shame on every single last one of you, your husband and your in-laws.

If you want to stop your eldest daughter being excluded (and I don’t blame you for that at all, it’s a bloody awful way to treat her and they should be ashamed) then it’s your job to sort it. There will be at least 18 people there in a tiered garden, I can’t follow them without looking weird Are you fucking serious? You’re more concerned with looking weird than getting your five year old to solve your problems for you? I can’t believe you’re serious. That’s bloody awful. Put your fucking drink down, stop making polite chit chat with the same horrible fuckers that won’t even have your daughter, their son’s step daughter, in their photos and stand up for your child.

And where the fuck is your husband in all of this? Why is he not telling his family that their exclusion of her in family photos is shameful? Why is he allowing DD1 to be treated like she’s not his family?

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

NO

I see both sides. in laws are entitled to take photos of just their grandchildren and you can’t expect a 5 year old to police it. I get that you feel you need to defend your eldest but this is not the way! Teach your eldest not to care that they do this. On the other hand get your DH to have a word, if they truly don’t want her in the photo then they can just take one for forms sake and then delete it if they don’t want to keep it. She’d never know and doesn’t need excluding from the general photo call!

Who cares about the mental health of the younger child and her mother blocking her relationship with her parental side? How will you explain it to her when she's older if she meets them and asks why she missed out on them in her life?
Are you going to stop elder daughter doing anything that doesn't include youngest?

Your husband needs to tackle his horrible family.

She is their family - she is their g/c sibling and their son's step daughter. I can't abide people who omit a child from something on this basis.
I do think the OP or her husband should say something if this happens all the time and not leave it to the five year old. If you are not going to be there to say something - I would ring before hand and say something. It is fine they have some of their grand child alone but always leaving the other one out is not on.

We ask children to accept step-siblings as family, why not grandparents?
They are just as much family as DiLs and SiLs are, who are obviously not related either.

Oh and do not put this on your 5 year old. That is a shitty thing to do. If you have a problem, you or your DH need to have a word with his parents.

How old is your eldest? Presumably in-laws have known her for at least 5 years if your youngest is 5. Your eldest isn't a stranger to them. It's a difficult one though as you can't force them to accept your eldest as their grandchild.

I come from a blended family. I was never treated as a grandchild by my step dad's parents and my half siblings were never treated as grandchildren by my grandparents. Both sets of grandparents always bought presents for the children they weren't related to and were welcoming but there was no way they would have pictures up of unrelated children. I know times have changed but I was never scarred by it and accepted they weren't my grandparents as did my half siblings.

This is why I ask the age of your eldest. If she is only a couple of years older than your youngest then I can see why there would be confusion or upset but if she's a bit older she may understand that although she's bought for and included, she is not biologically a grandchild.

To summarize -

Instead of asking her DH to have a discussion with his parents and come to some resolution, the OP is instead telling her five-year-old to step up and not be photographed without her sister as a way of resolving this issue.

I do honestly think that's horrible behaviour to exclude your daughter, but you cannot put your 5 year old in the middle. It will stress her out and make her feel bad. Accept that they're not nice people. Has your husband had a word?

OP maybe you should tell your husband that in future he attends family gathering with just your youngest daughter as your older one is getting very upset about the way they are treated. Let him explain your absence to them.

I didn’t say anything about an isa. But you seem to forget there is a child here who is getting continuously hurt by adults who really should know better or at least pretend they do. Didn’t you read the bit where the step grandchild didn’t receiver an invite to a family wedding ? Do you think that’s an okay way to treat a child?

In your shoes, I would go to your family thing with your eldest instead this time, and see if your DH can have a gentle word with his parents about it. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, he could just say that your eldest is noticing she’s not included in photos and finds it painful to be treated differently to her sister by them because she doesn’t see her other grandparents at all.

If they are decent people they will be able to acknowledge how this must feel for her and change their behaviour a bit. It wouldn’t kill them to include her properly in times where she’s there and to have a couple of photos on display that include her too, in places where she’ll see them when you all next visit. Your DH could give them a photo of the 4 of you if they are receptive. And maybe sometimes you and your eldest could duck out of their family events and do something fun by yourselves instead so they get to spend time with just their biological grandchild too.

It’s not wrong of them to love her less, but it’s very wrong of them to make it so obvious to her.

It’s a photo! Distract your older child and let them have a photo with their real grandchildren, as long as your DD is in some of the pics and not made to stand at the side I don’t see the issue!

Are you the poster who didn’t like the grandparents having a tea party for all the grandkids when your other child was out somewhere with you?

If he’s the wonderful man you say he is, then he would be on board with it. Forcing a teenager to be at a family gathering where she is the only kid excluded is a shitty thing for him to be on board with. If he was a wonderful man, he’d be talking to his parents about it.