To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

@SpanishFork how old was your eldest daughter when you met your partner? I’m assuming fairly little as your youngest is 5 and your eldest daughter is 9. Does he consider her to be his daughter or suggested adopting her? I’m just wondering if his family are just mirroring his attitude towards your daughter and if he treated her like his own, then they would too, or because he doesn’t, they’ve kept their distance.

It never ceases to amaze and disappoint me the attitudes of some adults towards children!!!!
I could and will never exclude any innocent child from family.
Utterly shameful behaviour!!

The simple answer seems to be that you offer to step in as cameraman so your eldest doesn’t have to do it.

I do think you’re being a bit daft though and it’s really not up to you to approve what photos they have on display in their home.

You think the OP gets to decide whether her DH takes their daughter to see his parents?

You're letting down your eldest daughter in a huge way. You chose to find a partner and have another child. You chose to introduce a new father figure into your eldest's life. Now it's your responsibility not to let her be treated like an outsider.

In your shoes I wouldn't have had a baby with someone who wasn't 100% onboard with treating my daughter the same as his biological child, and who wasn't fully committed to making sure she was treated the same by his family. If this prevented your youngest from having a relationship, I would explain that they are not nice people and didn't accept that her sister was daddy's daughter because they're not related by blood.

Yabu. Can't believe you making your five year do this. Also why can't they have a photo just of their grandchild.

Will your eldest’s biological dad allow your hubby to adopt her?

You can't take the younger DC away from seeing her loving extended family because the older DCs extended family aren't interested. That's not right.

It'd be great if the IL wanted to step into that place for older DC but they don't and you can't make them. OP can't force IL to treat her DD like their grandchild, or hold younger DD to ransom. Younger DD will end up resenting older DD and OP if she prevents her having a relationship with her family because older DD hasn't got one.

Could you not address it with PIL, there is a very good chance they don't realise how devastating their actions are? And no, you're right, you can't cut of contact - that is nuts and totally unfair to your youngest. I would address it with them and if they aren't interested I would scale back the joint family activities so your eldest doesn't always spend Easter/Christmas with them.

I think this is inappropriate to put this on your child. Also this a choice you have made on your child by creating a step family.

Act like a grown up and have a conversation with the other adults if you need to. Trying to get your 5yo involved is just nuts and unfair on them.

My in laws were disinterested in our children which we found upsetting. Invites turned down for laughable reasons etc. Ours were the first grandchildren in the family so I found it really baffling. Itied myself and knots about it but it was utterly pointless. Their choice.

Let it go and work to minimise impact on children’s feelings. Actually the more exercised about it you are the worse it is for the children so you might need to dig deep here for their sake as your numerous threads demonstrate this is really getting to you.

Don’t hid behind a five year old, stand up for your child and say you want her included like the other grandchildren, if they refuse, leave the house and never take your children there again, let your husband go alone if he wants to.
also he’s been gutless too as he should have never let this happen in the first place, he should have spoken to his parents

Agree and some people are shit to their bio family too. All I'm saying is you can force what isn't there. Unfortunate as it is

You cannot control others adults feelings and behaviour. It is literally outside your control and you will drive yourself mad trying to do so.

You have to make your peace with it. Agree with HighRen and the poster explaining about the inlaw relationships. If you split she’s out of their lives.

I think this situation is yours to manage and explain to your child. If I'm understanding correctly your in laws took pictures with all children present and then took additional pictures with only their grandchildren?

What is wrong with that, they have included both of your children and then just their blood relatives.

Even if you manage to force your oldest into all photos, what have you achieved? How will your oldest daughter feel? Better or worse?

They are kind to her, but don’t think of her as the same as their DGC. It’s true, she isn’t.

If BIL’s DC want to (correctly!) refer to themselves as half-siblings, then that’s fine. Why does it grate on you?

I’m not sure why you keep pushing them on this. They aren’t stand-in’s for your elder DD’s shit father and family. They didn’t chose to blend; your DH did.

Nobody chooses bio family either!

'Forced on them' wow. It's a child! What a sad way to talk.

Agreed

Absolutely not this. DS partner, who he lives with has two children aged 10 and 12. They are not my grandchildren. I cannot stress how much they are not my grandchildren! I have met them twice. I see DS and partner when they are with their Dad. I could not know them less well if I tried.
If DS and partner marry, they still will not be my grandchildren. If DS and partner have more children, these will still not be my grandchildren.

I give a choice on some things - dads going to the shop do you want to go or stay home with me but that’s low scale. Given the emotions attached to this situation it’s a much more sensitive situation and is making her pick sides

I dunno, I don’t agree. Can just say “mum and sister don’t feel like going to granny’s today but dad wants to so would you like to go with him? I don’t think there needs to be any more to it than that. What’s the alternative? Force everyone to go where 2 people are miserable/feel out of place?

Yes this is exactly it.

My mother in law is exactly that. Shes not my mum. If we divorce she’s just Janice someone I used to know. Just like I am not her daughter in a divorce I’m just Rebecca her son’s ex.

Just as step children/step grandchildren. They are Louise, Johnathon, James and estella. They are related by marriage alone by a law not because they are family by feelings. You can’t force feelings where they don’t exist.

If I divorced I’d never see my mil,fil,sil or her children again. So when I’m talking about her children, do I call them my nephews to my friends? No. They are their names, her names children. So they get Christmas and birthday presents? Yes. Do I babysit or take them for days out. Hell no.

But this is way more loaded than a trip to the shops...
Even at 5, she'll have cottoned on to the highly fraught interaction her mum and ds have in this situation.

Do you not give your 5yo a choice of what they do? It’s not like you’re saying “pick a side of the family forever”. Just currently mum and sister are doing x at home while dad goes to visit grandparents, what do you want to do? In the same way you might day “Dads going to do the food shop do you want to come or stay with me?”