To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

She isn’t their grandchild. In fact she has nothing to do with them at all. Be grateful that they even acknowledge her existence and aren’t at your own admission horrible to her.

Step children are not the same as adopted children!

The attitude to step children on Mumsnet is weird in the extreme. I'm a step child and have never been treated any differently by my grandparents (shock, yes they're MY grandparents too even though we're not biologically related!). If I hadn't been, my parents would have sorted that damn quickly although fortunately they're not the kind of people who'd ever behave like that.

My cousins are step children too and the thought of them being excluded from family photos is just frankly bizarre.

I totally understand where you're coming from OP, but this isn't on your little one to sort. It needs to be dealt with by you and your partner.

This is just ridiculous. The idea that you marry someone and the families blend seamlessly is a fiction. Would you expect your child to see your new husband as their father? I doubt it. Most bio parents would not like it one little bit if their child saw no difference between them and their step-parent.

Two adults have decided to get married. That’s it. The idea that both extended families are going to love each other unconditionally is baffling. I’d say it’s a win to even like your in-laws - bank that and be grateful

I have a ten year old. It hurts my heart to think of a group of adults asking her to “step out” of a photo in that manner.

However, I don’t believe there is any point in trying to force these things (or it’s all meaningless anyway), so here is what I would do.

I’d stop seeing them myself and I’d absolutely stop putting my eldest into these situations. I’d use the time where my husband wanted to take the youngest to see her grandparents, to do some really fun stuff with my eldest (I also have a seven year old and I never get much 1 on 1 time with either of them, so I’d turn it into an opportunity for that).

I’d be entirely open with everyone as to why it was this way.

Honestly - I’d also be questioning my marriage if my husband was honestly ok with the different treatment. My daughter would come first and I think it would be extremely difficult for me to be in a marriage to someone who didn’t feel as strongly. But to be honest, I wouldn’t impose step parents on my children. And this is one of the many reasons why.

I think this is a really good point. That the feeling of anticipating the grandchild starts the love before they've even met.
Which is why adoption has similar to a biological child They'll have gone through the highs and lows of the adoption process. The excitement of maybe being matched, and maybe the distress when one doesn't work out. The visits etc and the final adoption.
So by the time they're adopted they've been through so much for the child.

Yep. As long as the in-laws are kind to her dd generally then having the hump over a set of photos is excessive.

I hate this focus on the "biological" grandkids. Step children are essentially adopted children. If you marry someone with children you are taking them on.

If OPs H loves the child like his own then wtf does biology matter? They're family in all the ways that matter.

My in laws shot themselves in the foot by treating my eldest differently to bio grandchildren. The balance of power/needs shifts very decisively as our parents get older and they start needing more time, kindness and (sometimes) financial support from their children and grandchildren.

It is me, not DH that contacts PILs, buys them gifts, thinks of them. They have a now adult step grandchild that makes themself scarce when they are here, my younger DC are more inclined to do the same as a result.

We are the closest geographically and offer most support. They see the the golden grandchild of golden child barely once a year.

We would have a much easier more frequent relationship if they had gone all in with eldest DC. It would have been very little trouble for them to do so.

They have had subsequent step grandchildren that are just grandchildren, but the relationship with our family could have been closer, had they behaved differently. We are the closest to them and see them the most.

I hope after 10 pages OP can finally say how ridiculous, childish and unfair it is to involve a 5 year old in her adult hang ups.

Ok weird tangent but would dh consider adopting dsd?

This seems to only be about the photos, so I'd be trying not to over-think it. They're taking a mix of photos, and the grandparents are being careful about how they manage one of them only having their grandchildren in, without making it obvious.

In your partner's position, I'd be mentioning to the grandparents that they don't have any photos on display that include his step child, and that it makes him sad.

“My DH loves his family and thinks they should be able to treat their grandchildren as long as they are not rude to my eldest, which they’re not.”

he’s bob on. They clearly acknowledge her, they get Christmas presents and include her when she’s there but your daughter is not their grandchild and they are entitled to have different relationships with their grandchildren. It’s not your in laws fault that your daughters paternal family are rubbish. You need to back off or you will ruin your youngest’s relationship with her GP which is really unfair.

At last, some sense

It sounds like they are including her on days out and for special occasions, they just want a photo of their grandchildren every now and then (and they’re including her in some of those photos too!). If you two split up they’d never see your daughter again and there’d be a random child on every family photo so I can understand why they’d do that. I think it would be wrong to start keeping her away from them just because she’s not in some photos. She will feel more isolated than ever! It’s just unfortunate that her bio family are so rubbish but that isn’t the fault of your in-laws.

That was pointedly nasty, I say happy birthday to someone I don´t know that well when they metion it´s their birthday because that´s what you do, especially to a kid, it´s important to them and it doesn´t cost anything.

Is there a possibility of your DH adopting your eldest @SpanishFork ?

I think it is really unfair to exclude your DD from photos, treat differently with presents and even with the ISA, when she has no other paternal family.

Your DH has 2 children, it sounds like his siblings also have more than 1 child. It really us no skin off their nose.

Your younger child will ultimately think badly of her grandparents for how they have treated her sister differently, but I wouldn't mention anything to her.

I also think that if there is any possibility of your husband adopting your daughter, it would probably be hugely significant to her, and as far as your in laws are concerned, it might make them see that their son is her dad, she doesn't have another one, and that makes them her grandparents.

From OPs other thread the older DD had no contact with her father and is mortified when that is mentioned (by a Dr taking family history I think it was?)

OP and older DD clearly have some stuff about older DDs father not being around. But can't force younger DDs family to want to fill that gap.

I'm surprised how many posters seem to think that OP or her DH can or should be demanding that ILs treat older DD as their grandchild. You can't force people to feel that if they don't. It'd be lovely if they did but they don't have to, they can't be made to, and younger DD shouldn't be made to miss out on her family stuff because older DDs family aren't around.

My sons in law are good people and I'm very fond of them. But they are not my children and I will never have that deep and instinctive love for them.

If I had step grandchildren I imagine it would feel the same. I could involve them in everything we do as a family and eventually have a different kind of love for them but the feeling would be different, I'm sure. It would lack that primal element.

I have a mix of photos, but the main one on my coffee table is of my DDs and my grandchildren.

If this prevented your youngest from having a relationship, I would explain that they are not nice people and didn't accept that her sister was daddy's daughter because they're not related by blood.

This is awful - they’re not “not nice people” just because they don’t want to pretend something is true. And there could be serious kickback from the younger child when she gets older and sees this for herself and then becomes very resentful that her familiial bonds have been deliberately compromised for this reason. OP would like them to see her older child as their grandchild, but she isn’t, so they don’t. That’s not a reason to prevent them from having a relationship with their granddaughter. It sounds like they are friendly and kind to the older DD. And if there was an equally active set of parental grandparents, this wouldn’t be an issue at all.

I'm sorry, but however you want to gloss over it, your eldest daughter is not their granddaughter. They're not being mean in wanting photos of their granddaughter.

Would you be offended if they wanted some photos of their son (your DH) on his own without you?

It doesn't mean they're excluding anyone from the family. It's an uncomfortable truth, I'm afraid.

I really can see this from both sides, @SpanishFork.

Put yourself in your in laws' shoes for a moment. They don't have the kind of relationship with your daughter that began with an excited phone call and a picture of a scan. They didn't spend weeks wondering whether today was the day you were going to go into labour. They didn't go to the hospital or your house to meet her when she was a few days old. They weren't around when she said her first word or took her first step. When she came into their lives she was already a fully fledged person, who probably doesn't call them Nanna and Grandad. And, even if they don't realise it, they are probably holding back from getting too emotionally attached to her because at least subconsciously they know that if you and your husband split up, they will probably never see her again unless they're still alive when her sister gets married. So even if they are kind to your daughter, or think they are being kind, they just don't see themselves as her grandparents. Because they're not.

There are some things it is not reasonable to expect them to do, such as saving into an ISA for her. But I'm guessing that the ISA is not what is upsetting your daughter right now, and she probably doesn't even know about it. If you can afford to save for your children, perhaps you could save into an ISA yourself. This is one situation where I think it's OK not to treat your children equally. You could, if funds allow, put some extra money into your elder daughter's ISA to compensate for the fact that she won't be getting anything from her paternal family.

I think it is also OK for them to want to have some pictures with only their biological grandchildren in, if only for the fact that if you and your husband one day split up and they no longer see either you or your daughter, they're going to want to have some pictures of their grandchildren at all ages that don't also feature a child who is no longer part of the family.

However, I think it would probably make a big difference to your daughter if they stopped treating her differently in ways that she notices. So it would be nice if they chose to display some of the pictures that she is actually in. If the next time she goes to their house she sees a new picture on display which is one of the pictures she is in with the other children, rather than one of the pictures she took of the rest of the family, or a lovely picture of just her and her sister, she would probably feel more included.

I think it is also reasonable to point out to them that when they have family parties deliberately planned for days they know she won't be there, or when they give her Christmas presents which are clearly unequal compared to the ones the other children get, she notices. It wouldn't cost that much money for them to get her the same sort of Christmas present that the others get, and to get her something on her birthday.

But it will probably rub them up the wrong way if this comes from you. So you and your husband need to be on the same page about what is reasonable to ask them, and approach them together. Or even him on his own, if you trust him to get the message across more effectively that way.

Assuming they're not bad people, it would be helpful to explain to them that even though they think they're doing enough to include her, the difference in treatment is really noticeable. And it wouldn't be so bad if she had a loving family on her dad's side and this was just an added extra, but she doesn't. And so being treated as less important because she's not a blood relative is just rubbing salt in the wound for her, because it's showing her what she doesn't have and never will, because her paternal family aren't involved in her life.

Honestly I think it isn't fair to do that. Does your eldest have grandparents that are engaged and active in her life? I mean I understand to you it isn't nice or your eldest and I personally wouldn't exclude a child. I would not involve the 5yr old.

I agree with this post. I was born and raised in the UK but I come from a culture where parents-in-laws are supposed to be treated as your own parents. My parents-in-law are lovely and I get them gifts for mothers/fathers day and include them in our extended family activities. However, I view them primarily as my husband's parents. They aren't the same as my own (even though I try to make things equal for both sides).