To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

And OP has said they treat her with kindness and buy her presents ect. If they didn’t treat her with kindness that would be awful but to not treat her the exact same as a grandchild by not saving for an ISA for her is perfectly reasonable!

I say this with kindness OP - if you are still reading that is! - this is clearly something that has occupied your thoughts and perhaps you are not thinking rationally - involving a 5 year old in family politics is not rational. Family therapy or any blended family support groups to help navigate being in a blended family would probably be your best next step to help support both your children.

Yeah but the grandparents want a photo of just grandchildren, not grandchildren and their half siblings. It's not ideal but it's the price we pay for blended families

@Dotjones I do kind of disagree with one point here. She is part of the family. She is the sister of their granddaughter. It's not the same as a grandchild but she is a family member!

I think YABU for two and a half reasons. One, it's their right to only want proper blood relatives in (some) photos. Stepchildren are not true members of the family in the same way other children are. As a stepmother you might see it one way but you can't expect people without a "skin in the game" to see it the same way.

Two, it's unfair to expect your real daughter to police this for you.

The final, half a reason, is that even if you manage to shoehorn the stepchild into every photo, they'll just digitally manipulate the images to erase her. It's easily done and gets easier by the year. Not every manipulated photo is scrutinised like the Princess of Wales's.

That’s how I read that also that even if her son then has his own children making the steps half siblings the steps still won’t be her grandchildren.

If this prevented your youngest from having a relationship, I would explain that they are not nice people and didn't accept that her sister was daddy's daughter because they're not related by blood.

That's idiotic. Don't ruin a loving grandparent/grandchild relationship because your older child's dad and grandparents are useless. THEY are the ones who have truly let DD down and supporting DD to deal with that is the first priority.

DH is not her dad, he's her stepdad. That's a different situation, even if he is the best step dad ever and she loves him like a father. It doesn't make up for the actions of her biological family. Taking issue with grandparents of your other daughter, who actually are involved and sounds like are generally pretty good to your eldest too, will not solve this for her.

Blended families are different to nuclear families. You need to embrace and accept the differences and work with them. Not try and wedge a blended family into a nuclear family mould as that will only lead to disappointment and frustration. She KNOWS her father isn't around. Trying to gloss over that will just leave her feeling more alienated.

I think what she means is that if her DS has more children, that doesn't make his stepchildren her grandchildren. The children are the half-siblings of any future grandchildren. And have another set of grandparents somewhere else.

Why wouldn’t the future biological children of your DS not be your grandchildren?

This

Absolutely no need to be so nasty in your reply

She is not a random child. And you can’t base photos on the idea that a couple will split up. Honestly!

Don't be daft @CaptainFuture - SM's have to fund, compromise for, prioritise their SC but MUST NOT take any decisions about them, for fear of overstepping. Obviously the same double standard applies to GP who must treat all children the same, regardless of lack of actual relationship, because of SGC poor paternal options. Some posters on there think that equality is so important that the actual GC should be stopped from seeing her perfectly nice and loving GP if her half sibling is not treated exactly the same by a family who have no biological relationship to her or and had no choice around her inclusion in their family... SMH.

Excellent point about the potential for OP to cause resentment from her younger DD, if she doesn't handle this properly.

Exactly!! Look at all the hysteria and rage on here when a SM makes any parenting decisions! So basically all posters here berating the step grandparents are you agreeing a stepmum is equal to birth mum?

Why are people comparing with adoption? That's not the same thing at all. A child who is adopted severs all links with their birth family and legally and socially becomes a full part of their adoptive family.

A step-child or half-sibling still has another set of grandparents on the (usually) father's side. In this particular case the paternal grandparents and father are useless and don't bother with their relative which is sad. But they are still her family, however shit a family they are. You cannot expect another set of unrelated people to pick up the slack for the shitness of the child's grandparents/biological father.

what if OPs ex was involved and his family was involved - would OP be posting on how to deal with the unfairness of her elder child getting two Easter eggs? What if her ex partner had lots of money and elder dd was going to get a huge inheritance. Unfortunately in blended families not everything is equal. Personally I feel your ire should be directed at your ex and his family. They are the ones who should be stepping up and they are not.

@Lilacmonsteri don’t think that is a particularly unpopular opinion. I think many people feel this way.

However, a lot of them ( not all, but a lot) are people with skin in the game. Namely people who have kids and want their step grandparents to treat them the same as their biological grandparents.

whilst I do agree with you that deliberately excluding step children is awful, I don’t think that’s what’s happening here. The photographer was being rotated, as pp said. So she won’t have felt excluded. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the grandparents to want a pic of just their bio grandchildren.

I have heard of grandparents who don’t give gifts at Christmas etc which is just vile. I would make sure I had a gift for any child who happened to be present on a gift giving occasion (Christmas, Easter etc) whether they were family or not, so to exclude a stepchild in this way is deliberate and incredibly hurtful and not something I could accept.

However, in blending families, you do have to accept that there may always be a difference between biological and step grandchildren.

Some grandparents don’t make a distinction and I think that’s great and very welcoming of them.

However, for the ones who are somewhere in the middle - including the child, buying gifts, being kind etc….but also wanting a photo of just their biological grandkids, I think that’s ok too.

The point is she’s not being treated differently in group situations. All the children take it in turn to take photos, including her. The grandparents are displaying the photos she takes so she’s not in them. Personally I think it would be nice to include one with her but they don’t and are otherwise nice to her

Eugh. Can't believe the disgusting attitude of so many posters on here. Would you say the same of an adopted child because they are not biologically related either?

Every single one of you who has said that a step child should not be included in family photos should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

I understand your feelings on this matter but seriously, if telling a five you old to do something that adults are unwilling to do is out of order. This is an adult issue involving supposed adults and it’s their job to handle it. Involving a five year old because you think it’s the path of least resistance is shameful. Think about how the five year old would feel, the responsibility of the ask and the feeling of guilt when the carrying out of the task failed because their request was brushed aside.

It's a shame you didn't anticipate the different treatment when they're not your daughter's GP.

Your DH fell in love with you, they didn't and can't be expected to love your DD the same way.

Not many people do, despite what's said.

You should have prepared your daughter for such eventualities and explained the family dynamics in a positive factual way.

It's not right to exclude her, but it's not wrong to treat their DGC how they like.

SIL plays a role too and it's probably something she's mentioned to her parents.

Blood is thicker than water OP.

Would you rather your youngest didn't have an ISA so theyre both the same?

OP should be grateful that they acknowledge her existance? Wow, that's a low bar.

Of course they don't need to treat her the same as their biological grandchildren but they should think about whether their behaviour directly upsets a fairly young child. If she is treated so differently in group situations, OP should stop attending these events with her elder daughter.

OP's is an adult and she should be better equipped to deal with rejection, but her daughter is not and should not be put in situations where there is blatant rejection by her step-family which makes her feel upset.

I agree with curly. They are NOT essentially adopted children.

It's like saying "you should treat my partner in X ways though we are not married because it's as if we were married". But you aren't though, are you. You could be, but you are not. If YOU aren't committed to be married why should I be committed to you being married?

If you have not adopted this child and made that commitment, why should I?

What a low bar to accept for your child, though.

I always wonder about these situations where there are stepchildren that weren't adopted by the new partner. Why were they not adopted? Because they still have a father and a family there, in most cases.

So while I can see it sucks, it doesn't seem illogical or wrong for the stepfamily to conclude: if she is not your daughter, she is not my granddaughter.

(Now, if the child were adopted and the parent had made that commitment, I think it would be wrong for the grandparents to not accept that commitment.)