To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

So many posters seeing the new step-family as a second chance or do-over for their own mistakes first time round. These poor eldest children stuck in the middle. Adults filled with regret, manifested - with just cause - in the lesser treatment their older children receive, trying to force the solution to the problem on another family who are just going about their business, then getting upset when that family doesn’t do an about-turn to facilitate the easing of their own regret and remorse. I wonder whether these adults trying for a second chance ever say anything to the step-grandparents directly. I can’t imagine how that would go. To their spouses, sure, but actually to the step-grandparents? Putting themselves directly in the line of hearing a harsh truth which once heard, can never be unheard?

I'm not talking about blending seamlessly, wth does that even mean? Nothing about my nuclear bio family is seamless. It's sometimes chaos but when everyone means well the foundations are good.

If my son loved someone with children then I would treat them with the love he would want for them and grow to love them myself. I am more than capable of loving all children, and entirely incapable of singing them out. If I pop to the shop with extra kids in the car they're getting treats too. Family is not an elite club for us.

If I'm taking photos at an event I'm getting everyone in who wants to be in it. I wouldn't ask an adult friend to step out never mind a child. Photographs document a time, an event, and a snapshot of who you were when it was taken.

As for the 'you might split up' thing. Who the hell plans emotions according to what might go wrong? Be a warm and kind and welcoming step-person, there's no need to do differently.

Really the best thing would be for DH to look into adopting older DD.

Other than that, I don't see much of a husband issue here. He simply disagrees with OP, who hasn't shown herself to have the better attitude of the two on the issue given the way she wanted to manage the photo situation. OP could make it a deal breaker that he speak to his family and relay her position, despite his disagreement, but even then it's quite conceivable that it has no beneficial effect.

Trying to get a 5 year old to cause a family issue by refusing to have pix taken at events without OP's eldest is awful. OP is scared to say something herself but wants to put that on a 5 year old. Guess what. They will know exactly where it's coming from.

@SpanishFork , do your own dirty work. If you have something to say to them, say it yourself.

That would be the answer if they wanted a photo with all of them in. But as I said, I don't think the photos are the real issue here.

As tempting as this idea is, it's ultimately counterproductive. It's still involving a child in the OP's issue with her in laws, will not endear the in laws to either the OP or her child, and will draw her child's attention to the fact that she's not imagining it, and that they really are asking her to take the pictures so she's not in them.

Surely having a quiet word with the in laws and explaining that the difference in treatment is noticeable and it hurts her daughter's feelings, and would it really kill them to display a photo with her in it once in a while is more likely to have the desired effect.

I do agree that It certainly isn’t t appropriate at all for a 5 year old to deal with it. If I were the op I would take the older child off to do something else
whist the husband took the other daughter to see the grandparents and let him explain why she and the other daughter aren’t there. I do think op has a husband issue here as he is very keen to minimise the upset caused to the older child rather than reflect on it.

So why not get an adult to take a photo with all the children in it and display that one?

Sure, that will help. And then she’d be the only child not to have a turn taking photos

Thinking about the taking turns with photos thing. I know it's not the point of the thread but, none of the photos would have all of the children in as one would always be taking the photo. It might be done on purpose but, it could also be they're just choosing the photo with all of their grandchildren actually in it. Either way, not the most important thing here, which is OP's DDs feeling about her absent father.

Also I’d be telling your DD to take photos of them if they ask but to always miss off heads or one person, or do a group shot as portrait, or shake it a little. They’ll soon stop asking her.

I know what she's saying now, however.

And regardless of what the OP and DH may have said to each other at any point, the feelings of his other family members are not his to control or agree with a partner. That's not how any of this works. The deal breaker I refer to is him doing as much as he can, but even then he's not in charge of his parents.

Which is why the post I quote and you agreed with is wiser. @Binchicken had a better idea for how to deal with the situation than trying to manage it via a 5 year old.

I think others are right that you need to deal with this yourself but honestly, I cannot imagine being like this with a step child/grandchild. I don’t get the obsession with blood, your daughter is part of your DH’s family and as such is part of the wider family.
and I get that this might not stretch to inheritance, but to not include a child in family photos is just plain spiteful and I think that it says a lot about them as people. I’d think less of them.

You have no idea what was said between the op and her husband prior to their having another child

This is a much more sensible approach than OPs.

If it bothers you that much the idea of your children with different fathers having potential life differences because of it, either don't create the situation in the first place, make it an utter deal breaker with any new partner or, if neither of the first two, take responsibility for managing it as an adult.

I think it's pretty clear that she does not have three sets of grandparents, or even two sets of grandparents.

so you wouldn't have photos of a wedding on display for example? If your son marries a woman, she isn't related to you by blood either. Do you insist on only having photos of the groom taken?

Your daughter presumably has your parents and her bio dad's parents who might want her, as their grand-daughter, in their family photos. And if, for some reason they can't/ don't, you do not get to co-opt others into the vacuum left by her bio family. Why should she effectively have 3 sets of grandparents when your other daughter only has two? Why should she be in the family photos of people who are not related to her? Unless your DH has formally adopted her as his child then you are the one who is being ridiculous. Set reasonable expectations with her so she doesn’t end up feeling sidelined and excluded. You're the one who made her a step-daughter, not your in-laws.

Well heaven above if the grandparents had their rights impinged on.

Maybe not many people you know do, but I don't know of a single family in this situation who treat the step children any differently. If I did, we'd no longer be friends. This attitude is absolutely disgusting.

Yes and I think OP is directing her frustration with this in the wrong place. DD has been let down badly by her own father and grandparents. It sounds like she needs support with that, rather than getting annoyed with younger DD's grandparents. That won't solve anything.

That is true. She’s part of the extended family but not a grand child. It’s seems her DHs parents treat her as an extended part of the family and not as a grandchild though and as they treat her younger daughter as a grandchild- as she is- it is this differentiation which has upset OP.

For example, I don't save in an ISA for my nephew (DH's sister's son). But he is part of my family. Just not my son! So I treat him differently to my children!

I said it's a different relationship twice sorry!!

Yes I think that's fine. As I said she's not their granddaughter, it's a different relationship. But saying she's not part of the family isn't quite right. It's a different kind of relationship.