To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

The Mum’s feelings aren’t silly at all. She is just hurt for her daughter or don’t her daughters feelings count?

That's so sad. When we did a cousins pic we asked my cousins half siblings to join because even though we only met them when they were 16/18 they were our youngest cousins siblings and as a result one of the gang. They live with my auntie and she's their children's Granny so they're cousins. I don't have the relationship with them I do with cousins I'm close to, but it's no different from the cousins I'm not close to.

I don't share blood with my husbands family, and his family didn't get asked about a relationship with me, but we're now a family and they don't ask me to step out of photos. So I always think that argument is a little weak. They didn't ask to be step grandparents, in laws or grandparents but the reality is they are. I don't get the upset in having an extra child in a family photo. I agree when it comes to inheritance I can see how it's so complex. But their son is raising this child. Surely that means something.

No the mums are. In a blended family there are different sides to families. There are differences they gave different parents and grandparents. They have to learn to accept they can't have everything

I honestly find the ops and some posters here reasoning confusing.
On one hand..... its very upsetting and distressing for elder daughter to have no parental family involvement, it's very upsetting and anger inducing for the DHs parents to not recognise the eldest dd as equally familial as their own grand-daughter despite them being kind and buying gifts etc.... so to make it 'fair' the answer is for OP to block and expect her husband to agree with this and prevent younger dd from having a rrelationship with her own grand-parents, while still decrying the elder dds for not being involved?,

So a 9 year old girl ‘s feelings are silly?

I meant she scuppered their attempt to prevent older DD from knowing about it and therefore feeling left out. These people are making efforts to be kind to the older DD and not to obviously differentiate between her and their grandchildren. They're not overly cruel to the older DD but they also don't see her as their grandchild. It's a shame but it's how it is, and OP needs to stop trying to force it, it's only hurting her and her DD.

Why are you putting this responsibility on a 5 year old. It's perfectly ok for the grandparents to take a photo of just their grandchild. You're being silly

Your daughter presumably has your parents and her bio dad's parents who might want her, as their grand-daughter, in their family photos. And if, for some reason they can't/ don't, you do not get to co-opt others into the vacuum left by her bio family. Why should she effectively have 3 sets of grandparents when your other daughter only has two? Why should she be in the family photos of people who are not related to her? Unless your DH has formally adopted her as his child then you are the one who is being ridiculous. Set reasonable expectations with her so she doesn’t end up feeling sidelined and excluded. You're the one who made her a step-daughter, not your in-laws.

What does your husband think about this?

If he doesn't think it's an issue that his family want photos of biological grandchildren/cousins only then you are on a hiding to nothing making a fuss about this.

If he agrees with you that it's cruel to your eldest and that she should be treated as an equal part of the family, this is a conversation he needs to have with his parents.

Absolutely do not use your five year old to make a point.

Absolutely awful, I was excluded from holidays, photos, gifts everything being the daughter from another man who I've never even met.

I stopped visiting altogether when I grew up as it broke my heart to see pictures of the 4 of them all over the house and none of me.
Being excluded really hurts and the child certainly does notice everything.
You need to tell them if they don't include your daughter then your children don't see them at all. That's your responsibility as the adult.

No. What is "vile" (I don't like the word and it's far too strong in this situation, but I'm deliberately quoting you) is the parent of a child putting that child - actively choosing a home life for her - where that child is going to be treated differently from her half-sibling because of her parentage. THAT is punishing your child for your own mistakes.

Many, many children are punished and made to feel like lepers for being born to particular parents. You only need to pick up a newspaper on any given day to know this. Thankfully this child is well cared for and loved and looked after by at least one parent. Hopefully this is the only fly in the ointment for her. Many children don't even have that. NONE of those children are treated fairly, and it's wrong for ALL of those children.

I was waiting for someone to bring up the "what it" scenario of a deceased parent. I'm afraid it says more about you than the world that you can equate an absent/divorced/useless father with a prematurely deceased one, and the situation of the child of the former with the child of the latter. I cannot believe for a second there would be as many threads like this about step-grandparents to a young child dealing with the grief of a loving and cherished but prematurely deceased parent (whose own parents, if still alive, would like be falling over themselves for their granddaughter). That doesn't happen in real life other than rarely. The vast majority of people aren't monsters. These grandparents aren't monsters either. They have an opinion on who is/isn't in their nuclear (as opposed to extended) family, and that's it. It's unconscionable that you would label them "vile" for it.

That's vile. A child shouldn't be punished or made to feel like a leper for being born to particular parents. What mistake would you say had been made in the case of someone having children with a person who later dropped dead, leaving them a single parent?

No it doesn't , and neither does your son marrying someone who happens to have a child. You can't force these things, it helps no one

*some grandchildren. Blood doesn't equal a good relationship

It's not disgusting, it's reality. Grandchildren have a very special bond with grandparents and that should be respected regardless of what step children are in the picture

That's vile. A child shouldn't be punished or made to feel like a leper for being born to particular parents. What mistake would you say had been made in the case of someone having children with a person who later dropped dead, leaving them a single parent?

So many posters seeing the new step-family as a second chance or do-over for their own mistakes first time round. These poor eldest children stuck in the middle. Adults filled with regret, manifested - with just cause - in the lesser treatment their older children receive, trying to force the solution to the problem on another family who are just going about their business, then getting upset when that family doesn’t do an about-turn to facilitate the easing of their own regret and remorse. I wonder whether these adults trying for a second chance ever say anything to the step-grandparents directly. I can’t imagine how that would go. To their spouses, sure, but actually to the step-grandparents? Putting themselves directly in the line of hearing a harsh truth which once heard, can never be unheard?

If you’d read that party post the OP didn’t scupper the party at all. She didn’t know it was happening so how could she have scuppered it?

She is included in photos. They take it in turns who takes the photos. The grandparents choose which photos to display, and and OPs DD isn't in those. You might think that's mean but it is their choice.

The IL clearly try to be kind to the DD, OP has said they're kind, they buy her an Easter egg, they invite her to things. But they don't see her as their grandchild and they can't be forced to. They even had a grandchild event when OP and her DD were busy, so she wouldn't feel excluded, and OP scuppered it by turning up with her DD and then being annoyed that her DD felt left out. They clearly try not to obviously exclude her but they also clearly aren't her grandparents.

OP is trying to force these people to see her DD as family and they don't. You can't make them. They can't be made to make up for the DDs absent paternal family.

Maybe not many people you know do, but I don't know of a single family in this situation who treat the step children any differently. If I did, we'd no longer be friends. This attitude is absolutely disgusting.

Op is asking for her child, who is close enough to this family to be invited along to family gatherings to be included in a couple of photos not for them to re write there wills. They probably should understand that their bio grandchild in this family is probably going to grow up and think they are not very nice people. The ops daughter is their bio granddaughters sister! The stepdaughter will eventually not want to go around there (and if she were my child I wouldn’t want them around her) and when the younger sibling grows up and learns why she’s probably going to really resent the divide that’s been caused by people not being able to be kind decent beings and not exclude her sister.