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Original poster

To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

635 replies

SpanishFork · 10/04/2025 12:17

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

OP posts:
Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 18:14

DurinsBane · 11/04/2025 18:10

A random kid? Or their GC sister?

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Exactly

Gettingbysomehow · 11/04/2025 18:13

They are half sisters so therefore they are family and anyone who doesn't treat them as such is scum.

converseandjeans · 11/04/2025 18:13

@SpanishFork I’m sure you posted about this a few weeks ago when DH and his cousins went off to a footie match & you had a medical appointment with your eldest & arrived back early. You mentioned photos then. I think you have to accept that PIL want photos of their bio grandchildren together. If you & DH separate then they won’t see your eldest really will they? I’m not saying that you will separate, but generally step children don’t stay in touch with step grandparents.

You need to stop expecting PIL to fill the gap left by her bio father & his parents. It’s not their fault that her Dad is no longer around.

Gettingbysomehow · 11/04/2025 18:12

Mrsttcno1 · 10/04/2025 14:08

I don’t fully understand this to be honest, this is a tricky situation but you explain it to a child in age appropriate terms- she & her sibling do have different relationships with DH’s family.

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All a child sees and feels is that they are not part of the family and not wanted.

DurinsBane · 11/04/2025 18:10

notatinydancer · 10/04/2025 13:41

She’s not their grandchild though ?
Also if you and your husband split up they’d have photos of some random kid.

A random kid? Or their GC sister?

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 18:09

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 18:05

Sue me

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Please don’t be too embarrassed now. It might be better to read replies first.

DurinsBane · 11/04/2025 18:05

Lilacmonster · 10/04/2025 12:24

Unpopular opinion but if your child marries someone with children and they act as a step parent role too, you’re a crappy parent / grandparent for clearly excluding that child

I will not back down on this opinion

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I agree. This opinion isn’t popular on MN though! Not sure why MM seems to have such a thing about making sure step families always know they are step!

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 18:05

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 18:04

But you said no one had said those thingsbut yet they did and you’re trying to cover it by saying you are realistic when that has nothing to do with what you said.

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Sue me

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 18:04

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 18:01

Nope, cause I'm realistic about this situation

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But you said no one had said those thingsbut yet they did and you’re trying to cover it by saying you are realistic when that has nothing to do with what you said.

CowboyJoanna · 11/04/2025 18:02

YABU, Im sorry but if you end up doing this you are incredibly cowardly

Don't use your daughter as leverage just because youre too scared to confront your inlaws favouritism upfront

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 18:01

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:59

No you wouldn’t would you.

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Nope, cause I'm realistic about this situation

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:59

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 17:57

I see nothing here

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No you wouldn’t would you.

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:58

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 17:57

They said IF the parents split up she will become a random child, not that she currently is one

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She is still being called a random child which you seem to find acceptable

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 17:57

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:47

@MummytoE See

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I see nothing here

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 17:57

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:52

@MummytoE you might one to read the above comment about the random kid especially as you said no one had said anything about a random child

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They said IF the parents split up she will become a random child, not that she currently is one

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:52

notatinydancer · 10/04/2025 13:41

She’s not their grandchild though ?
Also if you and your husband split up they’d have photos of some random kid.

@MummytoE you might one to read the above comment about the random kid especially as you said no one had said anything about a random child

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:47

Maddy70 · 11/04/2025 15:55

No the mums are. In a blended family there are different sides to families. There are differences they gave different parents and grandparents. They have to learn to accept they can't have everything

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@MummytoE See

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:45

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 17:37

No one is saying that at all. We are saying that she shouldn't be treated exactly like a grandchild by people who are not her grandparents. Not rocket science.

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Yes they are saying it. Read the thread again!

WimpoleHat · 11/04/2025 17:39

I think her eldest daughter not being invited to a family wedding when her youngest is is quite a big snub in my opinion

In my experience at least, a lot of these situations are due to the fact that wider family just aren’t that au fait with everyone’s individual living situation. The wedding was the DH’s cousin. Chances are the cousin knew that DH was married to someone called Spanish and that they had a DD. The cousin may well not have known that Spanish has a DD from her first marriage whose dad isn’t on the scene and so she lives with them all the time. When they were told of the situation and asked if the older child could come, she was invited without fuss. I went to my BIL’s wedding, not because I’m “me” but because I’m DH’s wife. I’m invited as a courtesy to DH - yes, by name because they know me, but in reality I’m just an elevated plus one. I suppose the concision (if I’m right that it was borne out of ignorance rather than as an attempt to the OP and her DD) that naturally flows from that is that the DH’s parents don’t make much mention of the older DD within the wider family. But then it comes back to the same thing - that she’s not their grandchild.

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 17:37

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 16:58

You would think so wouldn’t you. But according to some posters the daughter is just a random child and should expect not to get everything in life. Quite unbelievable really

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No one is saying that at all. We are saying that she shouldn't be treated exactly like a grandchild by people who are not her grandparents. Not rocket science.

Curlycurio · 11/04/2025 17:35

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:15

I think her eldest daughter not being invited to a family wedding when her youngest is is quite a big snub in my opinion

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I am not sure if a member of my wider family would invite my SD to a wedding. My guess is some would, some wouldn't. If they didn't, my SD might be disappointed. But that would be balanced by the fact she actually has a much bigger family on her mum's side so does a lot of fun family stuff that my DD obviously isn't included in. We have raised them all from an early age to understand that they each will have different experiences and opportunities, and that is okay. But that kind of attitude is something that needs to be taught. As OP's DD doesn't have that balance on her dad's side, that's why I'm saying she needs to do some work to support her daughter to build her self worth and identify and why she's special, she doesn't need to be exactly the same as her sister and have the same history. Hopefully there will be things in her life that she will enjoy that will be just for her. That would be a better outcome.

Curlycurio · 11/04/2025 17:29

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 17:28

The mother is doing more damage by trying to force this situation than the step grandparents are by not having her in photos

Absolutely.

MummytoE · 11/04/2025 17:28

The mother is doing more damage by trying to force this situation than the step grandparents are by not having her in photos

WhatNoRaisins · 11/04/2025 17:22

Curlycurio · 11/04/2025 17:12

Hurt for her daughter that she isn't treated exactly the same by other other daughter's grandparents. And it sounds like they do include her quite a lot, actually. She wasn't left out at the party etc, she's been left out in terms of the photo they chose to display in their house.

But again I think this hurt really is about the absence of her own parents and grandparents rather than this quite small difference in how she is treated.

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This. I get that the older DD is struggling and therefore the OP is hurt for her. Reading the previous thread that mentioned the consultant appointment and how upset she was at it being pointed out that they are half sisters makes me think that even if these grandparents fell in line and did everything that the OP wanted there would still be difficult feelings about her paternal family.

Munnygirl · 11/04/2025 17:15

Curlycurio · 11/04/2025 17:12

Hurt for her daughter that she isn't treated exactly the same by other other daughter's grandparents. And it sounds like they do include her quite a lot, actually. She wasn't left out at the party etc, she's been left out in terms of the photo they chose to display in their house.

But again I think this hurt really is about the absence of her own parents and grandparents rather than this quite small difference in how she is treated.

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I think her eldest daughter not being invited to a family wedding when her youngest is is quite a big snub in my opinion