To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

@SpanishFork you don't know for sure exactly what the siblings got and you don't know for sure why they aren't giving your husband money..I think you are just assuming it's because of your daughter. Have you and your husband actually asked them for money and been refused?

Why was it jarring that they set up a savings account for DC2. Surely you didn’t expect them to do this for DC1? Or would you have liked them to skip DC2, unlike all of her other cousins etc, because her mother had to another DC to another man years before?

Just to clarify, they haven’t given your DH extra money like they gave all his siblings, because they don’t want your eldest daughter to eventually inherit that extra money? If that is the case, they are very strange, that isn’t just not treating her as family, that is going out of their way to treat your husband differently purely because he treats a girl as his own!

Not even acknowledging her birthday feels unkind. I’m sorry that’s happened OP :(

But she doesn’t call him dad / stepdad so she doesn’t see him as her father or step father really.

It’s a deep rooted issue for her. Her embarrassment of not having a father seems very big if it’s upsetting letting a doctor know and being jealous/upset about even school friends who have a “normal” family.

Something has fed that strong feeling somewhere.

I could not agree more. I m not saying everything should be or could be totally equitable but that is surely a matter of common sense. However, pushing a little girl out of a party photograph and ignoring her birthday is plain nasty.

This little girl doesn't though and OPs husband is to all intents and purposes her father.
I am from a blended family we were all treated the same. My mother was a step grandmother she treated those children the same as she treated mine, spent the same on presents and displayed their photos the same.
That is how decent adults behave towards children

You keep contradicting yourself OP, on one hand you don't care, but have the ins & outs of how they spend their money.

Did you really expect them to open an account for your eldest DD?
Sorry but that sounds entitled and grabby.

Totally get you not wanting her to be treated differently but you have no idea about their financial situation.
You seem to despise them giving dd2 instead of celebrating it.

How about you match the deposits for DD1? At least you won't be doing it for 2 as thank goodness your in-laws do it for DD2.

Explain to your daughter the family dynamics.

What happens if you get divorced, do you expect them to be paying into an account and giving gifts?

Your anger is misdirected regarding money, it should be her own father and her GP ypu should be trying to foster relations with.

Absolutely the right call. Your in-laws do not deserve the privilege of any place in your DD’s life xxx

Isn’t setting up a savings account for their granddaughter a nice and generous thing to have done?

Ultimately, OP, you have to find a way for you and your daughter to be OK with the fact you had children with two men who reacted very, very differently to becoming a father.

One has nothing to do with his child, one is active and present and involved. And so is his family. You can’t blame them for the first bloke’s (and his family’s) total failure to your eldest.

You say - DH gets no help as ultimately DD1 would inherit.

do you know how his as fact?

I will be distancing her from them

👍🏻

You were annoyed they wanted to set up a savings account for her? Surely by not doing she would have been treated differently from her cousins

In-laws stepped in when BiL got divorced then Within 6 months SiL had an extension which DH believes was paid for by parents who DH believes gave her equivalent what they gave BiL.
Ah, so your DH was actually given the same and then you don't know whether the sister got anything or not. Money to BIL could have been a loan, and your DH doesn't know if his sister got anything at all! I had a sibling who was convinced that I was given money for living expenses at uni, I had to correct them when I eventually found out, so I've seen this type of thing first hand. You need to be so careful not to build up resentment about "facts" you guys may well have invented for yourselves, at least have DH ask his parents directly before you hold it against them.

Money isn’t a separate issue though, is it? Not treating her differently would involve them
spending the same on her that they spend on their grandchild.

Re the house - So they have helped him. It sounds like they’re not willing to invest more that could be lost in the event of a divorce, although inheritance being split may of course also be a consideration.

This is entirely normal for those with significant assets. Hell, ‘ring fence your contribution to protect your daughter/son’ is advice routinely given on here for posters that want to help their child onto/up the property ladder.

It is pretty standard for GPs to set up savings accounts for newborn GDs (if they can afford it) so I would not stress about that, it just seems to be a bit of tradition, the idea being it will pay for something useful when they are of age and take the pressure off the parents. But not acknowledging DD1's birthday is totally mean-spirited as money is not an issue here. At the very least it is plain bad manners.

This seems like a leap. Nobody on here knows anything about what money has or hasn't been given to the different children, nor why. The siblings might not have been given anything, it's just an assumption. The DH might have already spent the amount given on university, debt, business start-up, ex girlfriend, etc. The DH might have been told he has to match contributions but not managed it yet. The PIL might have made other contributions at earlier suitable points but can't manage the equivalent right now. Lots of possibilities! Most of them more likely than not giving it in case 50% of the amount goes to a different person in 50 years time.

I'm sure you'll try.

Probably a combination of avoiding them and therapy about her dad would be best.

I'm leaning towards therapy because it seems like this child's unhappiness isn't just limited to the situation with her step grandparents. I get that spending less time with them might be the right approach but if she's also sad about her friends having grandparents then what? You can't avoid everyone that brings up that sadness or her life will be very limited.

I do agree with that and this is why I feel limiting contact with the steps is the better thing to do just now. I also think some family therapy would be beneficial given that the op and her husband are at odds over this as well.

Working on the he assumption that they didn’t help their son onto the property ladder all because he has a stepdaughter would say everything I need to know about the step grandparents. He is their son and they would be helping him

@UrinalCake yes this is definitely "a thing".

It isn't now, for her. But DD1 will grow up, and will have her own views that might or might not align with OPs.

Agree it's interesting. Sometimes in this situation GPs will choose to avoid contributing to what could be shared marital assets, and will pass inheritance directly to bio GC rather than to their own DC who might predecease the spouse who bought SDC to the marriage. OP has said PILs actions over the house mean their own bio GDC is poorer than she'd otherwise be, but that won't necessarily always be so.