Ex wants to take son to new partners

Mummaonherown · 2025-04-10T11:03:59+00:00

I know legally he doesn't have to provide an address, however my ex has asked if he can have my son one night and he will stay in his new gf's house (of 5.5 months) with her 3 children. I would assume that she has a 2 bed so not sure if a bed would be available for him, I asked him if he would be sleeping in a bed and my ex ignored me and then sent a message saying " It's not your business my new gf's address nor who will be sleeping where, he will be well looked after" I've never met her, he initially lied about her name and whether she had children or not. I have since found out that her children spend a lot of time at MGMs house (that's what my ex meant by not in her care) He's also moved in now, last week. Previously my ex used to take our son to PGMs house for 1 night EOW but he said now he's moved in he wants our son to stay there. I haven't said yes or no yet, I'm a little concerned. AIBU to say no

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/04/2025 00:00

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/04/2025 20:17

There is so much shit and wrong advice on this thread. OP, the bottom line is he doesn’t take your child until there is a contact order. If he won’t cooperate with court then there won’t be a contact order. Setting him up email addresses, trying to coax an absolute loser into being a decent parent is never going to work. Just cut off contact with him. If he cares about his child which is clearly doesn’t, he’ll respond to the C100 won’t he?

In the meantime, continue to report him for benefit fraud. Also report him to HMRC every month. Eventually they will catch up with him. He is not going to pay maintenance out of the goodness of his heart. Prepare to be a lone parent and thank the Lord you’ve escaped this prick.

THIS is the only sensible advice on here

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:59

Mummaonherown · 11/04/2025 08:36

@pimplebum my friend suggested a tracker as he lies about where he is and won't answer the phone of an evening at bedtime even though we agreed that I could call him before he goes to sleep. I'll definitely look into a tracker though

If you put an apple tag on your son it'll alert dad's phone don't do that. But if your son was to accidentally pack an air pod in his rucksack?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:56

DorothyStorm · 10/04/2025 19:45

He has loved in with someone he has been dating for 5 and a half months. And she has three kids? Fucking hell what a shitshow this is going to be.

but sadly, you have no right to say no.

She has every right to keep her child at home unless a court orders her otherwise she can just say no he's not going

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:55

Cantbesure · 10/04/2025 16:47

I had some good advice from a friend once that I found hard to take. And it was to say yeh sure and then see what action they actually took. It already sounds like he CBA. And perhaps his main goal is to upset and control you. It’s worth considering.

Not in writing as she would totally undermine herself

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:54

Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 13:32

@TheFormidableMrsC this is what my solicitor thinks will happen, he'll just disappear, especially when another baby arrives.

He called about 30 mins ago wanting to speak to him, my goes preschool 51 weeks a year and has done since he was 11 months as I had to go back to work.
Asked where he was, told him nursery he said "but it's half term" he must have got confused with her children as they are school age (primary) how could you forget such a small thing as that. I might be overthinking it but it just shows how much of an interest he has/had

It'll be because he doesn't pay the bills does he

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:53

VincentofJazz · 10/04/2025 13:23

I’m surprised people are saying it’s got nothing to do with you. I’m am not separated and my children are much older than yours, but even if they go on a sleepover at a friends house (that I don’t know) I still know the address of where they are. I don’t delve into the sleeping arrangements though. Why would this not be the case for all parents- regardless of age, marriage status etc? I wouldn’t expect to have that knowledge removed from me just because I’m not with their father anymore?

I guess the nuance is if you are trying to block access and using this as an excuse (which I don’t think it sounds like you are).

IMO you are well within your rights to expect to know where your child is, but leave the sleeping arrangements and care to your ex. Perhaps if you come at if from that angle you can all move forward?

Only if her ex was trustworthy and sensible but doesn't sound like he is. What if her child is sexually abused by the gfs children? She needs to know who is there in the house with them

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:51

GRex · 10/04/2025 13:13

Withholding the address without good reason could be seen as him impeding your ability to fulfil your parental responsibilities, and for safeguarding reasons it is important to be clear that the boy must have his own bed (sharing with just dad would be ok, but not when another woman is there, sharing with random children is not ok). I think it's best for you to see a solicitor and write to ex that he can have access but may not have overnights until there is a mediation agreement or a court order with clarity over suitable timings and living arrangements that ensure your child's welfare is taken into account.

Don't advise a single mum to waste this money on a. Solicitor

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:50

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/04/2025 12:59

I would absolutely want an address. When we were in court for child arrangements, my ex was told quite clearly to give me an address and we didn’t even have overnights! Child is SN.

I would be asking for a formal court ordered arrangement personally. At 4, with possible SN, he wouldn’t be going to a strangers house that his father has known for 5 months.

I don't think a court order will help op.
She'll get court ordered to make her child available but then this useless lump will only show up every so often and she'll have to stick to it even if dads been away for ages and child is now uncomfortable going. And she'll also get ordered for child to do every other Xmas and you bet this dad will want 'his' Xmas days and take ops child away from her for special occasions like that

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:46

SpainToday · 10/04/2025 12:15

OP I would tell the school what's going on. They'll be able to keep an evidence log for you, should you (God forbid) ever need SS involvement ❤️ if he won't cooperate just objectively let the school know what is going on. xx

Will the school really be bothered the child's father has a new girlfriend or wish to keep evidence of it??

If it's on a school night they would care if he was sleeping in strange new home where he doesn't have a bedroom

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:45

Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:14

@SeventeenClovesOfGarlic I've arranged medation 3 times, he's refused I've sent court papers to his address, told me I'm wasting my time.
He wants to do everything on his terms, if I don't play ball then he makes my life difficult. I'm dealing with narcissistic man sadly

Well if he won't attend court then there's nothing he can do if you don't allow your son to go

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:44

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2025 12:14

Think about a role reversal, would you be happy if he was demanding the same details of you (if you had a new partner and wanted to spend nights there, and he was demanding to know what, when, where, who... )

An unreasonable request is an unreasonable request, he either has parental responsibility or he doesn't.

You can stipulate what you expect, but he doesn't have to adhere to it.

Unless it's something like a life threatening allergy obviously!

I'm sure if op moved in with a man she'd known less than six months and his three children in a two bed home her ex would have a lot to say about it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:43

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2025 12:08

Your ex is the child's dad I presume.

He has full responsibility of his child whilst the child is in his care. His responsibility. Whether he lives with his mum, gm, gf, it doesn't matter, he has parental responsibility.

You do not need to know the address, the gf name, who will be there. Kindly - its fk all to do with you.

But she doesn't have to send him there if she doesn't feel her son will be safe and comfortable unless she's been court ordered to do so. And if dad does take her to mediation/court he'll have to explain to the mediators/ court (and mum will hear) what the appropriate sleeping arrangements will be.
Although of course he could just collect child from school - it depends which night he usually goes there and when and where dad collects him from op.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/04/2025 20:17

There is so much shit and wrong advice on this thread. OP, the bottom line is he doesn’t take your child until there is a contact order. If he won’t cooperate with court then there won’t be a contact order. Setting him up email addresses, trying to coax an absolute loser into being a decent parent is never going to work. Just cut off contact with him. If he cares about his child which is clearly doesn’t, he’ll respond to the C100 won’t he?

In the meantime, continue to report him for benefit fraud. Also report him to HMRC every month. Eventually they will catch up with him. He is not going to pay maintenance out of the goodness of his heart. Prepare to be a lone parent and thank the Lord you’ve escaped this prick.

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 11/04/2025 20:10

@SallyD00lally 💯 he's already committing benefit fraud himself, see my previous posts so it wouldn't surprise me. He's getting close to 3.5k a month with his rent paid by the government due to fraud, and he doesn't pay a penny to his son.

I reported him back in January as it was blocking my child maintenance claim. The man is vile, she must think she's won. He's not a prize I want back

OP posts:

Fupoffyagrasshole · 11/04/2025 20:06

If it’s not court ordered and he’s saying he won’t go to court- then just stop him seeing his son and say no.

until he agrees to go via court

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 11/04/2025 20:01

@BillyBoe46 I already did that just after Christmas I think, 2 houses, he claimed he didn't have an email address so I set one up and a login for him, sent via text and told him to change the password when he logs in.

Surprise surprise he refused to use it.
He has again tonight told me I'm not getting a penny until "I change my tune" he wants everything his way.
My mum thinks I should report him for financial abuse, I'm very tempted to do so.

OP posts:

CrispieCake · 11/04/2025 20:00

I would refuse. This man is not an equal parent to you, OP, he's not even a coparent. He yo-yos in and out of your DC's life, doesn't contribute financially and can't even commit to EOW. Your DS doesn't have a stable bond with him and probably doesn't see him as a "safe" parental figure who can meet his needs. He's a deadbeat dad.

There is no way I'd just let him take my small child to an unknown address with random strangers. Yes, parents and carers are generally trusted to judge who is safe around their children but he hasn't really earned the title of either "parent" or "carer", has he?

I'd let him take me to court and explain his conduct to the judge before I allowed overnight contact. Then it would be for the court to decide what is in the child's best interests, taking account of all the evidence.

Stressfordays · 11/04/2025 19:18

Oh and do not let him go play house with his son with some strange woman in a strange place. You don't have to, you've applied for court and are awaiting that. You have concerns and that's that. It won't look bad on you.

Stressfordays · 11/04/2025 19:15

If you've applied for a c100 and he won't engage with court, you're winning. Theyll do you a court order stating child lives full time with you and that's that. Stop all contact now, let him not engage with court and be done with it. Your son will be better off without him and so will you.

I'm speaking from experience here too, honestly, just ignore him.

AroundTheMulberryBush · 11/04/2025 19:05

Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:12

@toomuchfaff so if working it out means my 4.5 year old son is sleeping on a sofa in a strange home (which he has let happen before in his PGM home so he and his new GF can have sex in the bed, left him alone downstairs) that's f all to do with me?

Unfortunately yes, it's nothing to do with you. I mean that with empathy; I've been through similar. It's terrible knowing that your young child is off to God knows where with God knows who. But if he has equal parental responsibility then you can't insist on an address or sleeping arrangements. Would I trust the man who is introducing your 4 year old to a girlfriend of what, 20 weeks, and doing sleepovers already? No, I wouldn't. But it is what it is sadly.

mamajong · 11/04/2025 18:46

Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 21:07

@mamajong my ex is known to turn up to my home and call when he wants to, I've asked to get a calling schedule in place, he's refused to do so, literally does what he wants

I'm in south London/Kent and I don't drive so it's pretty unlikely that I will be rocking up to another part of London (assuming she lives in London) when I have a rare night off to cause trouble, he's withholding because he can and he does what he wants.
This evening, my friend came over, my ex called as I was letting her in, I told him I'd call him back.
10 mins later as I was getting my son in the bath, he called and my son answered the phone. I told my son to put the phone down and shouted out 'i said I'd call you back"
I then had 5 missed calls and a very offensive message from him.
This is what I deal with, if I call him he'll ignore me but if he calls me I have to drop everything so he gets what he wants.

This sounds terrible. Withold contact until you have a contact schedule and the details of where your son will be staying. Force his hand if he goes to court they will want a schedule in place too. Log the calls and unannounced contact, keep the offensive texts and file a harassment order. You do not have to put up with this and he is only good for you son if he can be a positive role model. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

SallyD00lally · 11/04/2025 18:31

If he's lied about her name and won't tell you the address, I wonder if she's committing benefit fraud now that he's moved in?

Lavenderflower · 11/04/2025 18:24

I would be inclined to let him take you to court - you can explain you want him to have access but you need the relevant information.

Lavenderflower · 11/04/2025 18:21

I personally wouldn't be happy with this arrangement particularly sleeping arrangement. I would mention your concern to school or even social. They won't do anything at this stage but everything will be recorded.

ThisAlertRaven · 11/04/2025 18:16

You should be told the address in case of emergency. Also can you meet the new gf?